So I’ve been in a relationship for a while where it feels like I am much better at navigating my partner’s feelings and supporting them in hard times than they are for me. I’ll give a recent example of what I mean, and here I should put a content warning for a deceased pet.
My partner’s last childhood dog recently passed away, she was getting pretty old and was in failing health for a bit. When she died it wasn’t a terrible shock but it was very sad. My partner got some remembrances from the cremation and upon receiving them was very upset. They didn’t want to just hide the remembrances away somewhere because it felt disrespectful but also couldn’t deal with it at that time. So I stepped in, said, OK, I’ll take them, they’re going to be kept out in the open, not hidden, but I will hold them for you until you’re ready to reach a more permanent solution. Pretty good response if you ask me.
Now flip the script, say I’m the one in need. My partner doesn’t have anything other than cliches or proposed solutions to my problems that clearly aren’t well thought out and are effectively useless. I feel very unsupported emotionally a lot of the time.
But it isn’t just this relationship. I feel this throughout my life. I’ve wondered at times if this is a performed gender roles sort of thing. I’m a man and nobody has said to me directly “you’re a man just don’t have problems lmao” but it does at times feel like we are dancing around that implication. I don’t know. Just curious if other people have experienced this because I’m sick of needing to be the mature party in my relationships. If I cut off everyone that made me feel this way I’d be alone.
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If you haven’t already, start by communicating that you need more and different kinds of emotional support from your partner. They deserve a chance to develop this skill. If they’re not able or willing to meet your needs, you’re not a good fit. I learned this the hard way. But you deserve someone who can meet your emotional support needs.
As far as the other non-romantic relationships go, you don’t have to cut people off, but you should find other, more empathetic people to lean on. I have very close friends that I know will be there for me when I need emotional support. I also have other good friends who aren’t as good at it, and we get along just fine and bond over shared interests.
I’m on the other side of this sort of situation and I think this is a good way to approach it at first.
I have a hard time opening up to people and I recognize that. But recognizing it and acting on it are two different things. So to the OP give them that push and let them know that you want more from them. They may already know that they aren’t giving you enough. Right now I have to deal with the worst feeling of having someone I really cared about and had feelings for distance themselves from me because I didn’t really give it my all. And I was hoping she’d let me know, but she didn’t. And I don’t blame her for that if course. It’s just more difficult for some of us than others to fully express ourselves.
I can imagine it is hard to know what you need to do and for whatever reason feel that it’s out of reach. My partner has expressed the same feeling to me and, quite frankly, taken moments of great pain for me and made them about her feelings of inadequacy for not knowing how to support me. There are a lot of traps to walk into here.
I will keep communicating, I will keep trying for as long as it makes sense to. I just am running out of ways to say “please help me or at least don’t make this worse”.
Ah I see. If it’s a pattern then, yeah, I can see how each time you’d feel worse. Like it’s out there, but I think it’s fair that you’d want to see some sort of growth too.
Thanks - I have been communicating about this and maybe there has been some improvement. But we have been together a long time, so the fact that I’m not even sure things have improved is a bad sign. I will keep putting in the best effort I can though as long as I’m in the relationship. It’s tricky because I can tell my partner has a good core that wants to help me, but she can’t get to that emotional place that lets her connect due to her own anxieties. I can see a path where we support each other but right now I would say her needs are getting met significantly more than my own, and I’m scared that I will talk myself into staying even if I shouldn’t.
you should find other, more empathetic people to lean on.
Yeah you’re right, it’s probably a numbers game. You can’t gel with everyone. I’ve just been dealt a very rough hand for the last few years and it feels hopeless but it’s only hopeless if we give up.
That’s one part of dealing with the “human” factor of relationships. Perhaps your partner isn’t as developed emotionally or doesn’t have the intuition or even the right things to say. You’d think they would know - they should know you by now - but a lot of times they just don’t and don’t know how to respond as they aren’t equipped with a solutions book. Looking for a hero and it just isn’t there and it feels quite alienating and depressing. They are human and they have everything on a spectrum of every IQ / EQ IntroExtrovert whatever and it doesn’t match yours like a mirror.
Our
depreives people of empathy and empatheic skill. Empathy is the profit killer after all. My partner is the result of the IRL Jakarta method. He’s a nice person but dealing with empathy or communicating in such a way is…difficult to think out of his own narcissitic shell. He would pick up on my emotions but not act on those clues so much. Then he has these moments when he will write little notes and be a sweetie.So what I do, and try this - hug her. Take a moment to breathe in the embrace and tell her what’s going on and how you feel. She might not respond right away to it or in the way you want in your head or what you heart really needs right now. Maybe it takes a bit for her to soak it in. But over time this builds that skill for her to pick up on and should improve the communications or at least her response to you. Everyone has their own yadda yadda wrapped up and sometimes others can come like a shock to their system like “Where’d this come from?!”.
Thanks for the suggestion and commentary. I definitely need new strategies to get through to her in the moment, so anything that kind of shatters the distance that’s clearly between us would help. Maybe something as simple as hugging helps as a way to indicate that I need her to take what I’m saying seriously.
Good luck hope it helps!
I don’t know if there’s any way to “fix” this situation but I spent nearly twenty years (with some large gaps) in an asymmetrical relationship like this and it really fucked me up. If it’s causing you pain you might do better to look elsewhere. After a very long healing process I’ve started dating again and found some far more empathetic and caring people (also all queer and ND, take that as you will). I’m not saying cut everyone off but maybe start looking for new people that don’t suck. If you’re even a little bit queer try going to local queer events and meeting people. I was in the closet forever due to my abusive straight-passing relationship destroying my will to live and I’ve met a lot of cool people that are willing to hang out and talk about our feelings and problems.
Thanks comrade for sharing your experience. I’m definitely afraid that I will talk myself into staying long past the relationship’s expiration date. I’m not abused in this relationship but I feel very burdened by it and somewhat unable to be myself. But your overall point to stay open to new relationships of all kinds is well taken and I will do my best to keep engaging, my tendency is unfortunately to shut down when things aren’t working which can’t solve anything.
Anyway, I hope that you’re well and again thanks for sharing your experience with me.
Yeah, that sucks. I already find it depressing to interact with people when they don’t want to operate at the same level of depth I do with things. Like, when I’m anxious about something and they just throw out some Dr. Phil-level shit that’s both untrue, unhelpful, and obviously copied from TV, religion, political propaganda. Feels like you can see the strings puppeting people and human interaction is pointless.
I hope I am never this jaded
You won’t. I can see the strings behind you.
i had a nasty situation emerge from almost literally the start of covid (she came with the disease i guess), of a really inadvised third to our relationship (we are poly, but it was the first time we tried something as a proper live-in triad), and it was a situation that was quickly very one sided. She could provide money, and she tried to use it as a means of emotional control. She was very fragile emotionally, had an active meth addiction she was “hiding” [i know what that looks like, it just took time to accept that’s what it was and begin being dilligent about catching her lies] - but I spent the better part of a year and a half putting up with this person who needed constant love and affirmation and gave absolutely none of it, but would money-bomb a couple of broke girls into putting up with it when she smelled a threat to her place with us.
The financial security for that year and a half was nowhere close to worth what she did to my head. PTSD symptoms worsened. Seeing obvious drug abuse behavior but being told by someone who doesnt know what that looks like, and someone just straight up lying and gaslighting, took a huge toll on my emotional stability.
I try to be there for my nesting partner still, but it has been three and a half years and I’m still not over it.
These things will ruin you if you let them. Sometimes it’s best to move on, and as much as it hurt, emotionally and financiallly, We told her to leave when the lease was up, because she wouldn’t be on it when we renewed.
That signed us up, ultimately, for a long game of cyclical poverty - but that’s somehow less fucking terrible than living with that kind of damage.
Take care of your brain.
It might be that she simply isn’t as emotionally available. There is variance among people with that and depending on her life history, her parents parenting style, probably random shit like genetics or the mix of hormones in the womb etc, some people simply are more emotionally available than others.
And maybe consider your own upbringing. Maybe you are too giving and should be more self-centered? Or maybe you’re the type who likes being old dependable and you put others before yourself, which is exceptional and good, but you expect others to reciprocate to your high standards?
I don’t know you at all so I have no idea or intuition if any of these apply so I’m just throwing out possibilities that might apply to you or likely don’t.
My real point is maybe get therapy, not because you’re broken because you don’t seem broken, but to help you understand yourself and your needs and to have a better idea of how to navigate this imbalance and what it means for compatibility or how you can approach resolving it.
My real point is maybe get therapy, not because you’re broken because you don’t seem broken, but to help you understand yourself and your needs and to have a better idea of how to navigate this imbalance and what it means for compatibility or how you can approach resolving it.
Ha, the therapy’s working then! I am indeed in therapy for other reasons but it has helped all around. I’ve tried to get my partner to engage in therapy on her own or as a couple and she is extremely agitated at the suggestion. I would really like to get her involved because I think if we were both disciplined about it there could be some movement but on my own I feel stuck, at least with respect to the relationship.
Re: your guesses, I definitely have a bad habit of imagining that other people care about me as much as I care about them. Our emotional states are moving targets so holding onto immutable concepts of friendship and love can be dangerous. For my part though I don’t want see my close relationships as disposable. But it’s good to remember that we have to defend ourselves too.
I have experienced a relationship like this and it’s definitely a problem to be fixed. If you spend all your time comforting your partner and “solving” and it’s not reciprocal, this can wear away your respect for them. You may need to make a little more of a lift: when you need support, do the work of figuring out what you want and then tell her. And then hopefully she’ll learn to do that without explicit help.
Also a little bit of stereotyping:
My partner doesn’t have anything other than cliches or proposed solutions to my problems that clearly aren’t well thought out and are effectively useless.
Are you sure this isn’t solution-oriented vs venting-oriented? Some people are very action oriented, some people have more of a passive orientation and want to sort of get it out and hear that they have options and get reassured that way. Action-oriented people feel let down when the other person just reassures them; venting-oriented people feel ignored when they’re trying to blow off steam and the other person keeps trying to make plans. These are gender roles you could be unwittingly playing.
Good suggestions, thank you.
Are you sure this isn’t solution-oriented vs venting-oriented?
Yeah this is a good question and one where I’ve put some focus myself. For my part I’d say I’m practical and try to gauge at a particular moment if I should offer advice or just shut up and listen. If unsure, I’ll ask. For my partner, she usually jumps to advice, which I find off putting. In those situations I’ll suggest we move on and kind of retreat to deal with my issues on my own. That might be toxic in its own way and denying her the chance to try something different, but we’ve been through this kind of thing enough times that I can only see disappointment on my end if I ask her for a different kind of support and she shuts down instead.
Hm. So she’s offering advice (or to take action herself?), but her advice is no good? What do you actually want, material help from her or for her to listen and empathize for a while and sort of support you while you sort things out? Have you communicated that to her? Retreating might be a little toxic, but if neither of you does anything concretely different you’ll just deepen the same groove of a hurtful dynamic and make it harder to change.
Also, Internet psychoanalysis is bunk but one thing that could be happening is you’re so used to managing stuff yourself that you’re hesitant to let another person have any steering input. Make sure she really is giving bad advice, because if she’s trying her best to be helpful and you’re reflexively pushing her away that’s gonna feel really bad on her end.
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Yeah OK so a few things. First I want to be completely clear that my post is not meant to be read as anti-woman, in any way. Sorry to say your comment comes across as blaming women for what I’m describing and is not constructive. It’s hard to read tone in text like this so I don’t want to overstate the point but I want to be completely clear.
Further, the point of my post is to talk about the subject of non-reciprocal relationships in general. This is not necessarily gender-coded although it probably often is. You can have male-male relationships, for example, where one party is much better at supporting the other than vice versa (one person’s a better friend, as it were).
Finally, what you’ve written is descriptive, which is fine, but I think we all kind of know that patriarchy does this. But I can’t snap my fingers and solve toxic masculinity. I’m trying to ask how to navigate these conditions as we find them - other people must be frustrated by similar things and I’m looking for strategies to manage the worry that comes from thinking nobody will be there for you when you really need them.
Sorry if this comes across as scolding, I just wanted to make the purpose of the post clear and hopefully this pushes things in a more productive direction.
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Ok so you’re a scientific misogynist. That makes it way better
Wow what a coward, I dare you to come back and tell us all about your brilliant ideas about women and see how it goes in the MarKetPlaCE oF iDeaS
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Yes, yes, “I’m not owned, I’m not owned”
Buddy, you cannot communicate effectively. Nobody understood what you were trying to say, not because you’re a genius, but because you can’t write clearly. Well, maybe you could if you were being direct, but if you said things too directly I think the misogyny charges would stick just a bit too well, wouldn’t they?
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Hey you had the chance to explain yourself and instead you deleted your posts like a coward. If you weren’t a psychologically weak person afraid of being exposed as a fraud you’d say what you really think. A little pressure in response to a poorly written post and you collapsed. You can’t handle pressure. Prove me wrong and expose yourself, we all dare you
I can see the edges of an argument here but this just reads as misogynistic. I think the intended point here is that “the patriarchy harms everyone”
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