This post is in two parts, a vent about frustrations, and then some questions I have.

The Vent, with dysphoria and transphobia under an additional spoiler.

I am completely mystified and utterly intimidated by the whole process of going to a stylist and getting a haircut. I would like to try something different from the style that I’ve been wearing for the past three years since I got out of the closet but every time I go I just wind up with the same thing but cleaned up a little. I find that I lack the knowledge to accurately communicate what I want, and because of this I don’t feel comfortable attempting to micromanage someone who is doing something totally outside of my realm of expertise for me. Some of the online guides say that I can go to an experienced (translated: expensive) stylist and they can give me the guidance I’m looking for but that hasn’t been the case, primarily due to a lack of assertiveness on my part.

CW: dysphoria, internalized transphobia

The whole hair salon experience induces this greasy, dysphoric feeling from beginning to end. I’m feeling some of it right now, actually. The brainworms tell me that a real woman would already know all this stuff and that my discomfort and awkwardness just proves that my identity is somehow fake and my being in a traditionally feminine space is unwelcome and so on and so forth. I get it in my head that “This person is being nice enough to tolerate my presence and work on this part of my body, to be in any way demanding of this person would be asking for too much.” These thoughts make the already confusing process all the more draining.

These are my questions:

  • Is there some kind of guide that explains the lingo and maybe even theory behind women’s hairstyles?
  • Does anyone else get really intimidated by this whole thing?
  • How do I make going to the stylist fun?
  • Any tips on procuring good reference pictures and inspiration?

I hope this ramble was okay, I have 0 clue what I’m doing. Thank you for your time and attention.

  • Tomboymoder [she/her, pup/pup's]@hexbear.netEnglish
    3·
    26 days ago

    I didn’t get my hair cut for a long time because I found everything about it overwhelming.
    I would just cut it myself.
    I finally went with my gf giving me moral support, I told them the type of haircut I wanted and showed some pictures of people with similar hair I found on the internet.

  • imogen_underscore [it/its, she/her]@hexbear.netEnglish
    2·
    26 days ago

    Is there some kind of guide that explains the lingo and maybe even theory behind women’s hairstyles?

    i don’t have a specific resource i can recommend offhand, i have just kinda learned the names of different popular hairstyles over the years which is enough to get me by. you could look up lists of them. I’ve had some variation on a shag mullet for years now so that’s all I’ve had to know to point at really. the main parts of the hair you might want to refer to if you are getting more specific would be the front/bangs/fringe, the sides, the top, and the back. you can micromanage the cut by asking for these parts to be longer or shorter, thicker or thinner. layering is another concept worth knowing about.

    Does anyone else get really intimidated by this whole thing?

    absolutely yes, but a couple of positive or just not totally shit experiences under your belt will massively help with this. trying to find a queer friendly salon may help, if that’s an option where you are. (I now go to one that is trans owned/operated so it’s a very comfortable space for me but when I first came out i just went to the same place as my mam lol)

    How do I make going to the stylist fun?

    what I can most recommend here is finding a queer friendly place if that’s available where you are, ideally one staffed/owned by queers. i found when I started going to a queer one I was able to build a good rapport with my stylists which makes the whole thing easier and possibly more fun.

    Any tips on procuring good reference pictures and inspiration?

    i just type “womens [haircut name]” into image search and scroll to find a few that I like. some people say Pinterest is good for it, I have had some good inspiration on tiktok as well. if micromanaging is where you struggle I would recommend spending some time looking for inspiration and finding a haircut that basically totally fits what you’re looking for. then just show it to your stylist and say I want this. it’s a very normal thing to do and tbh the easiest way to communicate what you want, I do it every time.

    regarding the part on dysphoria/internalized transphobia - I don’t think I’ll be able to give you all the answers wrt this stuff, but I want to tell you that you do belong in those spaces, it is allowed for you to go and get a nice femme haircut wherever you feel like doing that. it sounds like you have some negative thoughts on this that you need to overcome, I would just urge you to go for it especially if you can find a queer friendly place or one that trans people near you recommend, you will be amazed how fast those thought patterns fade away and how quickly your confidence builds if you manage to do it a couple of times and it goes fine. i know it’s very scary but you absolutely can do it.