I’ve wanted this for years. I hope he sees this article and decides to do it.
wow for a solid ten seconds did not realize this was onion. I guess this will become more and more frequent over the next four years.
The fact that I read this headline and my first through wasn’t doubt in any capacity is insane. Satire is now lamer than reality, jesus christ…
The reason that is that fiction has to be coherent. It has to make sense.
Reality is under no such constraint.
Given that RFK jr was a heroin addict for decades, I was once again fooled by this and I thought it was real.
Satire has been dead for years anyway.
the onion actually doesn’t do satire any longer.
they do prophesy now.
Official lathe handlers
Yeah he was on record last week saying it improved his grades as a student lol
I’m in
I actually can’t tell what’s a parody any more
Yeah I thought this was real news at first.
Holy shit I was almost excited there might be one thing to make the coming cycle less shitty until I saw the community
Here’s one that’s real: he’s promised to ban high-fructose corn syrup, which is banned in most other developed countries. It should have been banned in the US decades ago.
He might be a wakadoodle, but he might still get a few things right by accident
I don’t think your corn growers would be very happy with that.
Fuck 'em. They’ll survive on their many subsidies.
Once they raise the global temperatures enough all of the Iowa corn farmers can just farm rice and sugar cane along the Iowa coastline.
I propose we lower Texas enough to flood the Great Plains and revive the Ordovician Sea.
Or those of the pecan pie persuasion.
Use golden syrup, sorghum or honey?
Admission: I can’t stand pecan pie because of it’s hyper-sweetness. Maybe less corn soup would help?
I think the problem is pecan pie’s entire existence depending on something terrible lol
All the pro-small-government people I know (the ones wanting less oversight on guns) are excited for this ban and don’t see the irony that they’re really only small-government in the topics they want, big-government in others they decided are bad (hfcs, some red dye, banning men from women’s bathrooms). We all want government protections, turns out.
Yeah, and to be clear, I’m not thrilled about him being in charge of health, but if that’s gonna be one of his things that he gets right, I would be stupid not to take what little solace I can get.
Yea, except somehow we’ll end up with something worse replacing it.
High fructose fentanyl syrup
No no, Trump’s tariffs on China are payback for not watching entanyl exportr. Just a stream of consciousness.
Hell try and then we’ll be reading a news story about how his brain worms finally kennedy’d him the next hour after the attempt. HFCS and the multitude of corporations producing and using it aren’t some pushover industry like oil and natural gas, they have actual power.
There’s a reason corn is in everything processed in the US.
How tf is the oil and natural gas industry a pushover? They’re literally destroying the earth and getting away with it.
I don’t think Canada has it banned either lol
America Hat is part of America I thought?
Just gotta elect a guy with a brain worm, I guess…?
Nah, we kinda just follow the US.
I think the best we can hope for is that Trump seems unlikely to fuck with state laws regarding marijuana. That’s fine with me.
That’s not to say I wouldn’t try the Coke, though.
I’d def try coke-aine
He might try but Don Jr will be snorting it faster than the factory could add it.
And no one in the mainstream media will care.
Damn, they almost got me lol
Damn, just after it gets added to the BDS list.
Could shoplift it just to try
Coke in a can: mid Coke in a bottle: okay Coke in a bag: LET’S FUCKING GO
NOOOOO ITS FAKE, FUCK
spoiler
(I don’t like coke or cocaine just thought it would be funny to say)
We’re really gonna let the brain worm run shit, huh?
It will be a rolled in approach. Whatever you can’t roll in, you put it in the soda.
