WASHINGTON—In an effort to address voters hurt by recent actions that resulted in her being thrown out of a theatrical performance, Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO) announced Friday that she would personally jerk off any constituents she offended. “In the past week, I’ve heard from many supporters who were concerned by my behavior in recently released footage, which is why I’m offering to make things good between us by jacking you off,” said Boebert, instructing supporters to contact her office with proof of Colorado residency and she would personally travel to their home to deliver an on-the-house tugjob. “As a disclaimer, I will be wearing a latex glove and you need to wipe yourself off afterwards. I’m not going to do that. I’m serious about making amends, however, so feel free to rest your hand on my breasts, if necessary. Just know that this a one week only deal. So get in touch soon.” At press time, Boebert also warned her constituents that she planned to vape the entire time.
At press time, Boebert also warned her constituents that she planned to vape the entire time.
That is an amazing ending.
“This isn’t trashy enough to be a story about her.”
gets to end
“There we go.”
For real. That did it for me 😂
Finishing on her tits costs extra
drives to ATM
I don’t think ass-to-mouth is on the menu, unfortunately.
If there’s one thing we know about her, it’s that money makes things happen.
But she’d have to stop vaping.
Not necessarily…that makes one big assumption.
Man I hate to even joke about this but
I’m offended
She has that trashy trailer park look that I am ashamed to say is appealing. But im just so offended by her actions…
You mean the 1 really hot chick of the trailer park that made all the other girls look like nothing compared to her, but she was maybe like a 6 in the rest of the world?
Obligatory Flight of the Conchords:
Yeah
Looking 'round the room I can tell that you Are the most beautiful girl in the room In the whole wide room (ooh)
And when you’re on the street Depending on the street I bet you are definitely in the top three
“you’re a legend, Dave”
If you’ve ever been to Rifle, Colorado, you’d realize your theory is close than you think. But I’d go 5, not 6…
FYI: Rifle is the unkempt armpit of the Western Slope.
I’m from Georgia. Grew up around too many examples. They always think really highly of themselves too.
I used to work around the pipelines between Rifle and Grand Junction. Ate at her restaurant once. So much of that experience screams armpit.
Yea, you know, attainable.
She’s a 6?
Ikr
This is exactly what it is. She’s right at that inflection point of approachability.
Is this where the line starts?
For coke and Bojobs!
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She’s not your mom. Go for it.
She’s a grandmother, but she’s not your grandmother.
That’s poop knife and broken arms. I’m cumbox and double dick dude away from bingo.
All I need is jumper cables and a jolly rancher.
Stay away from Colby.
I’m just upset I don’t live in Colorado. She sucks, but I bet she does it good.
The offer was for a handjob, actually.
Meh, well I’ll take what I can get.
You’d probably be the first person to get chlamydia from a hand job
Nah she jerked off tons of dudes.
I would be the 300th dude she gave chlamydia
That’s why she’s going to wear gloves, to protect you not her.
I didn’t even realise this was the onion at first, thought it was an actual news article
The Onion has had to craft wildly ridiculous headlines to differentiate itself from the regular news, and sometimes it still seems questionable.
They’ve been on fire lately. Got me a few times too lol
You got onioned
“you ate the onion,” in the parlance of our times.
Oh SHIT. Me too. I was like damn she is capable of doing something I like?!!? I was so conflicted! Thank goodness lol
(To be clear I’m not horny for her. I shop at a different market)
I would accept the offer at least to see if she’d follow through. At the end of the day, who’s hand is doing the job doesn’t really matter if you can look at whatever you want.
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Commodities?
Do you think she could jerk off two people in one motion with one hand, if they were sorted by height accordingly? Can she use both hands?
Sorry for the potato quality but I think we’ve all had more than enough of his face in HD anyway
The Dick Jerk Theorem finally comes back around
Did anybody ever finalize the math on this like Futuramas body swap formula?
Only if you can get optimum tip-to-tip efficiency.
But do different girths affect one’s ability to jerk dicks?
Probably have to adjust the mean jerk time for her
Gotta go middle-out. Or line them up tip to tip.
Just make sure each complementary pair has the same dick to floor distance
Professor Gerkh M. Hoff
It’s pretty crazy that I wasn’t sure if this was The Onion at first.
I honestly thought about it and suspected it wasn’t before looking. This seems like something she’d say at least.
I mean, the new job isn’t working out; might as well go back to the old one.
Give me a Bobert in the Expendables 4 theater lol
i thought turning Lewinsky into a verb was a bit unfair, but with Boebert im all for it
The difference is that she is, herself, a public political figure. Lewinsky was not.
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God she’s hot! I am into dumb MILFs.
Don’t stick your dick in crazy
No, you can. Just don’t give crazy your real name and number
Also don’t underestimate crazy because they can become a crazy stalker
Always take the long way home.
Only if she’s above the Vicky Mendoza diagonal.
Lol true
She looks like a very selfish lover though. Probably licks it a couple times while making a face, and calls it a blowie.
🤣🤣omg! I can’t stop laughing and I am at work.
Hey now, some of us are into selfish lovers
She’s not really my type, but, if she tried to jerk me off at Beetlejuice and tried to follow me back to my room and my wife allowed it and she weren’t such a shit heel, I wouldn’t kick her out.
(I do want to comment about the picture being the standard “porn orifice” thing. Someone spent time picking that frame)
I refuse to apologize for being a MILF-man.
GILF, though.
She’s morraly reprehensible, but if she wants to fiddle with my gristle stick I won’t stop her.
Gristle stick. That’s a new one for me.
Damn y’all is THIRSTY!
Guilty as charged. She’s both terrible, and terribly sexy. I’m ashamed but nonetheless here we are.
I don’t see the sexiness. Narrow hips, fake boobs, vacant hateful stare. Her makeup is well done, but she doesn’t do it herself.
It’s the jizz guard glasses. Your mind is playing tricks on you by superimposing her kinda ugly mug on unto the extensive catalog of porn stored in your memory.
That’s up to $20 worth of value free!
Psh, speak for yourself I’m definitely still charging her full price.
You know, as someone without a penis, I just don’t think I trust her to do a good enough job to get it done.
I dunno. I get the feeling she’s had quite a bit of practice.
Say what you want about Boebert but any candidate that jerks me off has my vote. I’m just gonna lay that out there right now.
hello im dick cheney and your dick is the one i’ll br chaining; i shot a man in the with a gun but i’ll be shooting you with my [redacted] until i have another heart attack. oh btw we lost 1.9 trillion and we’re not doing an audit
Gonna be honest Mr Cheney I don’t think you’ve got what it takes to get me there, but you’re welcome to try.
Please report back with the outcome. I’m edging over here.
He never showed up so I guess I’ll just be writing my own name in again.
Just wait till he sicks seal team dicks on you
I don’t know man. If she starts talking i’m out.
She’ll be too busy vaping to speak.
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Has she accounted for optimal tip to tip efficiency?
