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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/Emotional-Ad3352 on 2023-09-08 03:52:32.

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My husband and I have been together for seven years, and married for three months. We both work high-stress jobs, with high incomes and no children, we are frugal and spend our money on savings and trips.

In our relationship, I plan our retirement, keep track of finances, host friends/family, arrange gifts, make appointments, and plan our vacations (we travel a lot). For his part, he does laundry and cooks and does the dishes more than me. He gets along well with everyone and is the more “easygoing” one.

On our trips, I’ve asked my husband to help me with tasks ranging from helping me plan beforehand, to finding an Uber. Usually he ignores me until it’s too late and I have to make the decision, or he makes mistakes (getting an Uber to the wrong place, or forgetting beach towels I asked him to bring). Mistakes aren’t a big deal, but he places the blame for them on me.

This issue is not new to us, for our wedding I did 99% of the planning and he promised in return that he would plan a honeymoon. Right before the wedding he looked up a Costco package that was almost twice as expensive as we’d agreed to spend, and that didn’t have guaranteed spots. What I really wanted him to do was not to find an all-inclusive unaffordable trip (that we didn’t go on) but do something that was tailored to us.

My husband also has a twin brother that often comes along with us. Like my husband, his twin doesn’t help plan and he had never thanked me for planning trips for us. He behaves like coming on the trips is a gift to me. Outside of this, I’ve tried to be his friend, but I feel no reciprocity. I get him gifts for his birthday and holidays, text and call him, and include him (i.e. asking him if he wants me to write his name on a Mother’s Day card when he hasn’t helped pick a gift).

Right now, we’re all on a flight back from Hawaii where I researched hotels and flights, put together schedule, booked hikes and dinners, rented a car, etc. When I brought up the fact that they complained a lot and never said thank you, my brother-in-law said that he told me the “sunset was nice” and that is the same as a thank you.

When I told this to my husband and explained how upset I am with both of them for not helping me (not yelling but definitely not in a calm way) he told me to f*** myself. My husband also said that if I cancel future trips that I’m no longer invited to my in-laws Thanksgiving (the one thing his mom plans).

I’ve already planned and booked an elaborate three week Christmas trip to Italy for the three of us (they say they want to go, while doing nothing) but I just feel exhausted. At this point, I’m considering canceling it entirely, canceling my own portion, or canceling one or both of their portions and going solo. Would I be the asshole if I took one of those paths?

TL;DR: Burned out wife unsure about how to proceed after planning numerous unappreciated vacations for husband and brother-in-law, thinking about canceling an upcoming trip.