During the pandemic I came out as non-binary due to my personal feelings on how I perceived myself and the way I am.
Lately over this past year I’ve been asking myself how do I feel. Many thought have been going through my head like I’d be happier if I was born a girl and I’ve always wondered what it would be like to have a vagina.
I’m also under immense stress in my personal life that may be exasperating these feelings but they existed before the stress.
My face is scraggly, my legs are a hairy mess. Thankfully I have a safe space with my wife who knows what I’m going through and a friend who listens and offers support. My biggest fear is addressing my family. My mom is still misgendering me and my trans BIL who has fully transitioned. She still lives us and I think she loves him but has fucked up ideas. My dad who has been divorced from my mom for nearly my whole life is full blood republican who believes in personal freedoms from his time in the military but I also don’t know his feelings on trans rights.
I know I’m ranting but I decided I need to crack this shell and figure things out.
I don’t know the first thing about makeup also clothes shopping is overwhelming.
You know the scene in The Matrix where Neo gets a cookie, and there’s a sign above the door that says “know thyself” … well, the knowing thyself is a tricky thing that most people never try to do. Often because it’s too hard or scary. But you’re working it out, and by the time you’ve settled on the big questions you’ll know
kung fuhow to do makeup and find clothes.Two things to remember: There’s no “right” answer so these things can take time. There’s no “right” way to be a woman or any other gender (I have no fucking clue regarding makeup, for instance).
I’m undoing a lot of childhood trauma and shame and begin seeing a psychiatrist and counselor next week where I will lay out my identity then. I was a sensitive “crybaby” who at a very young age made friends with girls vs boys and as I got older I felt the pressure to be more masculine. I don’t want to play basketball I want to play pretend and be on the swings.
The only thing to do is to keep looking inward … it feels intense at the moment because you’re in the middle of making possibly the biggest change in your life, but as you understand yourself better you’ll both feel better and the internal pressure will go down. Talking to a properly qualified professional can help you to navigate yourself.
Be patient, keep at it, you can do this.