I’m in my early thirties and adamantly childfree. I’m lucky enough to be in a long-term relationship with someone who brought up her desire to be childfree on more or less our first date. But I am not having too much luck with my friends from childhood and university - they all seem to be wanting kids, and learning of their pregnancies leaves me with a feeling of sadness. I don’t hate kids and think no one should have them, and I am happy for them if they truly wanted this, but I also know what them having kids will mean - we are essentially putting our friendship on hiatus, and I still don’t know whether waiting 10 years for the kids to be a bit more independent and not requiring as much attention will mean I suddenly have friends again, but somehow I very much doubt it. And I also don’t want 10 years without other friends than my girlfriend. She is in very much the same situation, and while we are good at making the best out of not having kids and stressing about having them, we both would want to be able to hang out with good friends once in a while, both common between us, but also some that are exclusive to each of us.
My assumption is that this is quite common - so I am hoping someone would like to share some success stories in turning this situation around. :)
Why do you assume that this is good, desirable, or a condition to continue a friendship?
I don’t like kids, I have a few friends with kids, some of them really like me, if it were up to me I’d prefer if the kids they didn’t even know I exist.
That said, I value my friendships with their parents. Having a good relationship ship with their kids means my friends get to stay in my life. If I don’t have a decent relationship their kids, that limits how much I can see with my friends, and if I’m particularly rude, antagonistic, etc. toward them they may choose to cut me out of their lives entirely. It’s a matter of whether you like your friends more than you dislike kids.
If your dislike of kids outweighs how much you value your friendship, I think that can be a valid position to have, but it should probably also raise some questions about whether you value your relationship with your friends enough for it to be worth continuing, and/or whether you have some unresolved issues with kids that you may need to address.
If I never had to see my friends’ kids again, that wouldn’t bother me one bit. If I didn’t get to see my friends for years, that would bother me, and for now at least, my friends and their kids are going to be a package deal, so in my case it’s an easy cost/benefit analysis. I value my friends more than I dislike their kids, so I’ll tolerate their little crotch-goblins.
I think this makes sense. Firstly, respect your friends have children. Then, decide how to interact with them now that its what is happening.
If you want a regular, often relationship, having the ability to talk with the whole household on some level just seems sensible. They live there too; the kids are a person even if not a fully experienced one. Being an Uncle or an Aunt can be fun, or just be civil and honest. Ask stuff, field questions and above all don’t be a dick.
The alternative is just to catch your friends when they’re free. This might be rare or very occasional. That sucks but its their right to raise a family. The kids are dependant on your friends and your friends need to make sure they’re OK. It requires patience and understanding. Possibly a little ingenuity.
In my experience, many parents will enjoy some time away from their kids every so often. If they want it, they’ll find a way. And older kids will enjoy sometime where their parents aren’t hovering over them. Either a weekly event or occasional times out might be possible to be carved out.
From my own Mother’s words: your entire world shifts to revolve around your kids when they arrive. I would say you’d need to understand that and act appropriately.
I specifically object to the “becoming an uncle” part. This includes special attention, gifts, considerations well beyond what I’m willing to give even to my own non-immediate family. Visiting my friends and acknowledging, even interacting with the kids superficially, that’s more than OK. But they are not my family and they’ll never be.
Sorry I used the word uncle, it was a metaphor and it’s stronger for some people I guess. I have like 9 uncles and don’t talk to any of them.
I doubt that using “uncle” as a synonym for “disinterested asshole” is going to get much traction.
I’m wondering what kind of family you have where this is considered a norm.
I’m quoting other people’s answers that appear to express those actions as the norm.
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How they view you and how you view them are not necessarily symetrical. Some of my friends’ kids definitely view me in sort of a familial way, like a favorite uncle, I don’t return that sentiment, but it doesn’t make their view of me any less valid. I’m not giving them any gifts or any more attention than is strictly necessary.
Many of us do view our close friends as a sort of family, I’m much closer to a lot of my friends than I am to some of my family members, it wouldn’t be wrong to say I think of some of them as sort of extra siblings and favorite cousins. I also have relatives I don’t particularly like and try to avoid, but still have to play nice with at family functions, and the kids kind of fall into that category. They’re sort of like the racist uncle, the spoiled cousin, the bitchy new fiance, or the drugged-out family fuck-up. They’re part of the package deal with the rest of the family, but if they just vanished one day I wouldn’t be too broken up about it.
I’m lucky to not have any of those, then.
You don’t have family functions? Or are your family members all outwardly hostile toward each other when you get together?
The former.
You mentioned in another comment having lots of uncles. Your family never gets together? No holidays, weddings, funerals, birthday parties, family reunions, etc?
If that’s the case, I don’t really see your opposition to being an uncle, it apparently comes with no added obligations in your family.
Very rarely, and it doesn’t involve any obligation. My mother’s side of the family is in another country, and I’m not close with my father’s side. Besides, nobody is entitled to my time by default.
Words have meaning. Implying a relationship of any kind with kids when I despise them is insulting.
I don’t.
Why do you suggest “becoming an uncle”, then? That way only leads to misery.
Some cultures use uncle/aunt pretty freely for any older family friend who was around a lot. I remember my mom was “auntie” to lots of kids when I was younger but there was no obligation or anything its just a term of endearment to a close older woman.
That must be it. Mine is not one of those. I had plenty of real uncles and adding supernumerary ones would have been seen as weird.
Well yeah for someone who literally hates kids and wants to cut off their friends because of it. It wasn’t a suggestion. It was what another good friend would naturally do/become to another good friend. It doesn’t come with anything that you need to do. There’s no responsibilities. You’d just be around so often that’s how the kids would begin to look at you.
So childfree people are by default not good friends?
That’s on them. Disabusing them of the notion can be necessary.
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