Listen up fuckers, cause none of this applies to anybody on this site specifically and I’m just bitching.
I don’t have to accomodate neurotypicals who say horseshit like “I don’t want to keep a tone tag reference sheet open to have a conversation though”, that has officially stopped being a me problem. Similarly, if your response to that is “Communication is a two-way street, so a communication issue is often also a two-way thing”, that doesn’t sound like I have to accomodate YOUR misunderstanding of MY words, however you have decided to read them. If you decide even in spite of tone tags that I’m being an asshole, frankly get fucked and go decide someone else’s emotional state for them. Hell, even if I didn’t use tone tags, I shouldn’t be required to fucking defend myself from your literal spurious accusations. I’ve had enough of your disingenuous assertions.
I’m pretty understanding about misreads, just ask me what I meant instead of fucking assuming the absolute worst in people all the time, and also do not go around expecting neurodiverse people to accomodate whatever YOU read into their words all the time. Your fucking problem. It’s not their job to sort out your preconceptions and accept whatever emotions you decide for them, which was the point of what I was saying anyway. Ableist shit.
This type of thing has become pretty traumatic over the course of like ten of exactly this type of bullshit, so I don’t have the will to cause problems and fight about it but I’m also not willing to constantly cede ground for free to neurotypical expectations.
It is pretty toxic how rare it is for people to ask clarifying questions rather than just assuming the worst and taking the opportunity to dunk. Just no good at all and it can be tiring, not least because I’d like to believe the other person isn’t that malicious or incompetent irl.
In my experience practicing deescalatory / “organizer mode” conversation irl can really help with this. I don’t know why it does but it’s like working out a muscle and it gets stronger over time and eventually it forces me to be more patient even with very wrong and belligerent people. In turn this actually helps me out because I get less frustrated overall and can put my limited emotional resources into other things. I have no idea if this would be helpful for you, just sharing something I’ve recognized in myself.
Exhausting even, must be “fun” fighting people all the time like that, if they keep doing it…
Hi I’ve never organised because I have big autism
Funny lefty lady also accused me of never de-escalating, Idk how or what that looks like. There’s a part of me that says FUCK EM ITS THEIR FAULT but if I could avoid this stress going forward, I want to know. I’m not exactly being impatient with them though, the only thing I haven’t budged on is: I won’t give ground to zero effort neurotypicals, and if what I said doesn’t apply to you it isn’t hostile to you. I’ve been very polite and reasonable elsewise…
De-esc is basically just manipulating someone by using language that may calm them down or otherwise defuse the situation. It can also be a physical thing like separating people or walking away. Luckily, the manipulation ends up becoming just acting like a very patient and deescalatory person so there isn’t much downside.
In my experience I also think it’s usually the other person’s fault lol. They’re often a bigot or otherwise a reactionary or dishonest or inconsistent or making other people unsafe. The main challenge and barrier is that despite knowing this, a direct confrontation is often the least productive course of action even though it’s honest and the person on the other side should hear and understand their mistake. You could think of it like playing a game or building out a strategy where the win scenario is getting someone to stop doing what they’re doing by basically lying to them or distracting them as if they’re a child. Eventually, it may become second nature and therefore feel less dishonest to be “handling” someone (or it might not!).
Anyways I’m not saying you have to do this or anything, just want to share something that works for me and that I’ve seen work for a lot of people. And it’s not about you taking any blame or responsibly for the situation, just methods of dealing with people. Most of the people I use this on are being shitty in some way, it’s not like I blame myself for their behavior! Also no judgment for letting NT people know they fucked up.
Oh yeah I’m really bad at that sort of thing, there you go.
Yeah like in this case, the butthurt ableism! Idrk what the right approach here was, I know an anarchist who said I should have just replied “I wasn’t being hostile”, but of course I was grumpy that they’d DECIDED my TONE for me, so uh oops.
That’s the trouble I have I guess, is the people doing this often have the most disagreeable fucking position humanly possible, why should I have to choose between what’s right and not being stressed to death??? Fuck NTs for this,
em all.