an emotional rollercoaster for sure, I had an emotional breakthrough, I feel so much better daily, and I’m really motivated to improve myself. estrogen seems to have been a wonderful decision for me :)

I gotta say, seeing my civil rights on one side of a coin that is actively spinning in the air, waiting for it to land on a table and reveal if I’m safe or not, is not good for my stress levels, yo.

… TWO months HRT (ah, ah, ah) …

So I got my GID diagnosis at last! I’m now certified Trans, for what it’s worth. Switching from DIY to prescription injections next week, yay ~

Plus a surprising (welcome) result in the Japanese election. Hope for marriage equality in the near future?

Difficult, not gonna lie. Everything’s become much more real since coming out to my parents, and while everyone I’ve told has been amazingly supportive I kinda feel like I’m trapped being who I’ve always been. Each small step is like climbing another mountain. I’m scared I might never get to finally be me (thanks TERF Island). Got a blåhaj to snuggle though so things aren’t all bad I guess

bad.

I put away my clean laundry pile! And cleaned up my living space a fair bit! Wooo!

And I’m making TACOS!

Tricky… I finally got my first NHS appointment the other week and have to wait up to 12 weeks for the second one with a psychologist where they will actually give a dysphoria or incongruence diagnosis and (hopefully) start me on my journey. It has been a long time coming, I’m scared and apprehensive - I have a lot of internalised hatred and denial I have to overcome and I need to work hard on actually accepting myself but at least it feels like there is actual movement now.

On one plus side I was chatting to my friend’s wife the other day (I’m very much not out to anyone yet) about our mutual love of all things pumpkin spice (found a pumpkin spiced oat milk in the supermarket) and got sent a "#basicwhitegirl’ meme in return which made me happier than she could ever know…

Ugh, had to wear male clothes because it was quite cold and I can’t afford anything. Went to lots of second hand stores and of the little that fit, I just felt it looked terrible. So, boymoding it was.

Over time it really eats away at me, and I just dissociate. And now I have to heal it again. I’ll be so happy once I had this all behind me. I at least managed to find something unisex and I tossed the male clothes.

Buy ya, after that ordeal, another. Got lasered, and it makes me look like I have facial hair tattooed on or something for about two weeks. Can’t wear makeup.

Can’t wait to exit terminator mode.

On the positive side, I’m currently staying in some family’s garden in Belgium and they’re super supportive. And last week I was in another Belgian family’s garden and they were, too. The hrt also remains solid every single day and I don’t understand how I ever survived without it.

I’ve been struggling like usual. Trying to meet some people so I’m not always alone, but wow, some of the folks I’m meeting are exhausting to be around.

It’s been a long time since I’ve had a friend I can just hang out with and feel like it’s not work.

I got my meds like I mentioned in a previous thread. So I’m good in that regard.

Some serious stuff happened at work that resulted in some legal issues. It wasnt my fault thankfully. But I am involved with the evidence collection process. Go figure.

And I’ve been playing alot of Final Fantasy 14 recently. Mostly on Sundays.

Oh yeah and I’m getting my hair dyed this week!

Overall doing a lot better. So that’s good.

It’s been an intense few weeks. Been offering up space to some other folks in the community and we’ve been working through some heavy shit. Feels good to be living polyamory as mutual aid, something I’ve always believed in but hadn’t yet implemented to the level I wanted.

I’m also experiencing some really major improvements with fibromyalgia for a few reasons. I’ve been able to get to the gym a lot more, and having the equipment there to get my joints back in place is helping a lot. Still can’t make my way through a workout without feeling really out of place and dysphoric and I’m sure I’m glowering at everyone but nobody’s given me shit yet and I doubt they will. I also definitely didn’t hear this many dudes before I transitioned at the end of their sets loudly announcing “87… 88… 89…” and racking their weights like they’re benching the earth itself.

Psilocybin has also changed things significantly and microdosing has been helping so so much. So glad to have people who helped hook me up.

Fucked up?

I am in Vancouver Canada and the whole week has been a knife edge dance of a provincial election between a party that is basically Republican-lite and two Progressive parties where either could make a majority government… And given the projection is of a Conservative win in the Federal elections having two levels of trans hostile groups in charge of one of the most trans friendly places in the world feels a bit like the one place I feel safe is under fire.

I know I am more durable than most. Because I basically chose my partner’s sexual phenotype preferences over transition I live under general permanent assumption that I am cis and straight passing. It sucks literally all the time for the dysphoria and feeling of living inside this illusion created by my body that people think treating me as cis is okay… but I don’t have to worry about a lot of medical continuity of service vulnerabilities. I have so many friends not in my situation who are down to the bricks clinging by their fingernails already that I worry.

My partner has stepped up the cuddles to keep my spirits up. Things have been getting better as things are being forcast but it’s been a rough ride.