A couple of years ago, I started building a house. It was a huge project, and while I didn’t directly ask my friends for help, I quietly hoped some of them might offer. No one did, which was disappointing, but I didn’t confront anyone about it.
At the same time, I was planning a wedding with my wife last year. We invited my entire friend group (about 15 people) and had a great time (August 24). The last time we all saw each other was at a New Year’s gathering—but since then, things have gone quiet.
What’s happened now is that about 7 people from the original group have started doing more things together, but they don’t regularly invite the rest of us anymore. I’ve noticed I’m no longer naturally included. We haven’t had a falling out, but there’s been around 4 months of silence now, and I haven’t reached out either—partly because it feels awkward after this long.
Since then, I’ve also changed my lifestyle a bit. I started going to the gym regularly and I’ve pulled back from drinking, which the group still does a lot of on weekends. So maybe I’ve distanced myself too, without fully realizing it.
Now I feel kind of alone. I have barely any social contact outside of two others from the group who also seem to be excluded. And honestly, it’s been getting to me. At my age (early 30s), it feels hard to find new people to really connect with. I do say hi and chat a bit with regulars at the gym, but that’s as far as it goes. I wouldn’t feel comfortable just asking someone to go out to eat or hang out.
So I’m wondering:
Is this just a normal phase of life and friendship? Was I expecting too much back then? And is it worth trying to reach out again, or should I just accept the drift and try to build something new (somehow)?
I’d really appreciate any outside thoughts or similar experiences…
It keeps getting me if I see posts from my friend group when they go on vacation or trips together and put it on their status. Even if I likely wouldn’t have time I’d think it would be cool if they would just ask if I wanted to join? But I don’t seem to fit in at all anymore.
Nobody showed up to help with the building project when you didn’t ask, but everyone showed up to the weddings when you did? That says something. I think the saying “unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments” fits perfectly here.
As for growing apart - that’s just part of life. It happens to everyone. You’re not the same people you were when you first met. There’s also this idea of a “lonely chapter” in personal growth, where you’ve changed enough that you no longer fit in with your old friend group, but you’re not yet fully aligned with the new one.
I relate to this strongly. I haven’t spoken to my best friend in two years. Last time, I invited them out on my boat - they said no, so I figured I’d wait for them to suggest something next. But they never did. Now it’s been so long that I’d feel awkward asking again… and probably so do they.