one life, one body. one existence.
And this is what I get. Born wrong, deformed, mutilated. Everything forever wrong. An outsider. Stuck in pain.
People have told me I’m grieving and I have to accept this, I can’t. I can’t stop thinking about it. About what should have been. What never can be.
And that’s it, isn’t it. I get one chance at this and this is what I get. I wish I’d been aborted and someone else got to live.
Mine is? Like my brain expects/needs to be in a different body. What is dysphoria if not feeling like your body is wrong?
I’d like a better social circle. At the same time I feel like I hardly have the motivation/energy/will to put effort into it. I had a few good people early on but they left and I guess I’m too depressed for new friends.
No, I don’t want to. I hate how much I think about it. How much I feel it. Left work early today because of it. I don’t want to stew on it, or think about it, or feel it at all but I don’t know how to stop it. People have told me I’m grieving but idk how to stop grieving it.
No you’re okay, I really appreciate you talking with me.
I really feel you on that last paragraph. When you’re in the midst of it breaking out of that sort of negative rumination seems impossible. I don’t think there was just one specific thing that made it possible for me, but I know meeting and making friends with other trans people was immensely healing and helpful. I hope you are able to find that better social circle, and that it’s a healing thing for you too.