22F.
Therapies and meds are not working for me as I’m resistant to brainwashing.
Whenever I get into a relationship, doesn’t matter how hard I try, I end up attacking the person due self-sabotage episode. I tell horrible things, I hit them from their weakest points (not physically), and during that self-sabotage + adrenaline I take so much pleasure from hurting them like I don’t think I could even get that enjoyment from sex or something.
Before accepting that I should stay away from people, or be very distanced, I thought I can manage it but no, I was wrong. My best effort lasted maximum 5 months. Episode hit again, and I fucked up everything.
Once I sleep and the episode is gone, I wake up with instant regret. I apologize but OTOH everything I said was correct so I can’t really take back what I said anyways LMFAO.
It’s so painful, and I find it crazy that BPD is different from ASPD. Seeing other people living their lives, having a partner, and overall happy hurts so bad. I even become like “oh why don’t I just download a dating app an…” then I remember I have BPD and how I fucked everything before.
Some people are seriously born to be euthanized. Being trans + BPD is a horrible combo. Staying alive is a torture for me since my early childhood.
I need therapy, I am still waiting for next doctor appointment. Talking to them only 30 mins is not enough sadly…
Other thing is, I was using anti-androgen until getting orchiectomy 3 months ago.
After getting orchiectomy and stopping taking them, I’m feeling very stable.
Mood swings didn’t happen. I’m very stable for now.
I forgot to mention it because I’m on anti androgens since December 2022.
Mmmmm, maybe after fixing my life I should try socialising because I’m really doing well actually? I didn’t realise this detail.
They diagnosed me with “BPD” when I was on a shitty horrible HRT regimen too so I think I should just give myself time.