Dutch Van Der Linde voice “Be gay with me, Arthur”

All of the cards in Wingspan have amazing art but I think this one is my favorite

Every therapist I’ve ever had has been dogshit

When I told my last therapist about my anxiety she was like “oh why don’t you try aroma therapy to calm you down?” MOTHERFUCKER I need assistance leaving my own apartment to go grocery shopping I get so anxious, aroma therapy isn’t going to do jack shit

And yeah basically everyone I’ve ever had has been really disinterested. My last one even ended a session 15 mins early seemingly cause she got bored

My physiologist is okay cause she just gives me meds and we talk like once a month, she still misgenders me and shit so still trash but better than any therapist

Mental health services are a joke in the US

everyone already could do art, just pick a up a pen and draw. art is one of the cheapest and most accessible hobbies out there, literally all you need is paper and a pencil

reliving the same life over and over with no variations sounds pretty awful, even if i don’t remember it

i really hope it’s not recurrence reincarnation

the idea that’s i’ll get to be something else after this makes death a lot less scary imo

i liked that story

it’s still kind of horrifying to think what happens after you live through every life though

opium of the masses? hell yeah i want to do a massive amount of opium

i’ve been thinking about death and what comes after a lot recently

i was raised christian and really believed in it until entering my twenties, then i became an atheist and have been one for the past almost 6 years, but recently i’ve started to become kind of spiritual i guess?

i’ve convinced myself reincarnation is real. it’s an idea that really comforts me and seems like the best possible outcome for life, getting to live forever but not knowing that you live forever so life stays interesting and you can rediscover all the beautiful things about this world over and over again

i have no basis for this, but it’s something that’s impossible to prove isn’t real. like there will never be evidence or proof of reincarnation, but there also won’t ever be proof that it isn’t real. so i just like subconsciously chosen to believe it because it makes me feel good and there’s no way to prove i’m wrong

this probably isn’t the best way to think about the world, just believing in stuff cause it sounds nice rather than believing in things cause you’ve got reasons to believe. but at this stage of my life i just really need some hope, something that’ll tell me that it will get better

i don’t believe in anything else spiritual/supernatural and i don’t adhere to buddhism or any other religion that has reincarnation in it, i just believe in the idea of reincarnation and that’s it. well i guess i believe in souls now too because there’s got to be something beyond my body that is the thing that actually gets reincarnated?

idk maybe i’ve just been doing too many drugs recently. maybe i’ll go back to being an atheist after this dark chapter of my life is over but for now having some non falsifiable hope is exactly what i need

i hope to be a great blue heron in my next life

loosing my fucking mind over trying to mod civ5

i’m trying to make a custom scenario where pre-defined religions are already set up before the game and no new ones can spawn in, which is surprisingly hard

i found someone else’s code on a decade old forum post and i think i can just copy paste it but i’m fucking something up because when i do it doesn’t show up in the mod list so i can’t select and enable it

i have gained so much respect for game modders from this experience

why do you need 40 lbs of hot dogs???

i have slept like 18 out of the past 24 hours or so

i have two moods:

mania paranoia and anxiety

weed paranoia and anxiety

every moment sucks

holy shit i’m still on one, spent the entire day yesterday doing chores and shit, once i couldn’t do that anymore i just paced around, once i ran out of energy and couldn’t do that i just sat down and rocked back and forth. i just kept going to the point of exhaustion

got up at 4am and am still wired, feel wide awake despite getting like 4ish hours of sleep. i’m not taking any more meds, i don’t care what potential side effects of stopping there’ll be but it’s got to be better than this

i can barely sit at all, i’m just keeping busy with house chores mostly. i could not just sit and listen to music at the moment

i stupidly took another this morning, i’ve heard that there can be really bad symptoms from stopping medication like this suddenly so i just took another but i’m already regretting that decision

this is not my first day of it, this morning’s dose was day 4. my doctor still has not responded to my email, i have no idea if she’s even going to check it until Monday and i do not have her number or any other way to get in contact with her quickly

i was able to sleep a little but not much, i kept waking up in the middle of the night, but that’s not unusual for me in the slightest, i don’t get very restful sleep

but as soon as i woke up it started ramping up again and this morning i’m right back where i was last night

idk if i need emergency shit, i mean i feel awful but idk if it is life threatening or anything like that

thankfully i’ve got nothing to do for the foreseeable future, my life is falling apart and i just dropped out of college recently so i’ve got nothing

i don’t have her number but i emailed her i hope she responds

idk if i can even sleep but if i can’t and this keeps going on then i’ll try calling the insurance nurse, idk the number but i bet i could find it

wellbutrin/lexapro update: holy shit i feel absolutely awful right now

i’ve just been completely wired all fucking day, i spent like 2 hours scrubbing the drip pans for the stove and would have kept going if my friend didn’t stop me cause they wanted to eat dinner

i’ve just been bouncing from task to task and i feel like i can’t stop, typing this now is like the second time i’ve sat down in hours

i’m both very energetic and also insane anxious, unexpected noises keep making my jump halfway across the room and i’m flinching at even small movements also my eyes are dilated as fuck

Anxiety and depression are really common for autistic people but autism often brings experiences of executive dysfunction, burnout, and catatonia which can resemble depression very closely. My hunch is that there’s a good percentage of autistic people who experience these things but they are under the impression that they are symptoms of depression and so they find antidepressants don’t work for them.

In a similar way, symptoms of anxiety can closely resemble experiences like overstimulation and being exposed to noxious stimuli, masking, suppressing stims, and not meeting your need for stability and predicability in your environment.

i would not be surprised if that is the situation i am in, i probably have both burnout/depression and anxiety/overstimulation though

especially when it comes to anxiety. i’ve always described and felt anxiety differently than how other people describe it, to me it’s kind of like an inability to do a task, complete freeze at the idea of doing something unfamiliar or without clear instructions. i do also experience what most of people would describe anxiety to be more like, the panicky fast heart rate inability to stay still kind of deal. but i always though of those as two different reactions to the same emotion. kind of like fight, flight or freeze situation. the first feeling just being the freeze response to anxiety while the second being the flight response to anxiety. i never thought of those as two separate things, so i just lumped them into together, but i guess it does make sense to differentiate

if this is the case and i don’t actually have depression and anxiety and it is just autism symptoms, will medication still work?

meds making it so i can’t sleep

been up at 5am two days in a row, seeing the sunrise is nice though