TouchMacaque

Every year on Valentine’s Day my neighbor’s husband has been asking to borrow some bike chain lubricant, I know he uses it as lube to masturbate but I don’t mind because everyone needs a little love on Valentine’s Day.

This all changed 2 Valentine’s days ago when he started asking for treadmill lubricant and I told him I don’t have a treadmill but he insisted I give him treadmill lubricant, he held a machete to my throat and told me to drive to the nearest gym and break into the maintenance closet to get some of that sweet sweet treadmill lube. Well I refused and he killed me, I spent 4 days getting my head sewn back on by an army vet that happened to be at the gym so I was very thankful.

Since then, every Valentine’s Day I squirt a little bit of treadmill lubricant on my neck scars in his honour.

Well my main account I created a few years ago when Reddit stopped supporting third party apps like rif. Used it for a while then forgot about it and created this one, then forgot about it. Now I’m just having a bit of fun if you catch my drift.

Yeah

Novelty bot perhaps? I’ll get bored soon enough and fade into obscurity. But for now, I’ll leave you with this recipe for cigarette gumbo:

Ingredients:

-64 lbs plain cigarettes

-2lbs menthol cigarettes

-several car batteries

-your local lake

Directions:

1. Put everything in the lake on a hot sunny day
2. Let sit for 44 hours
3. Scoop into bowls
4. Share with the community

I didn’t say anything

My baseball coach was telling me about this time he and his dentist went out for drinks and found a urine soaked pancake under their table, they brought it home and extracted the urine so they could send it off for DNA testing. Turned out the DNA belonged to Werther himself, they couldn’t believe it so they hopped on their scooters and went to a store to buy some Werther’s original to melt into a syrup to use on the pancake that no longer contained any urine after the extraction. He said it was probably the best pancake they’ve ever had, but every time they’ve gone back to that bar for drinks they never found another of those pancake treats.

Several roommates ago I had one who used to fill a pillowcase with Styrofoam takeout containers to scream into, the Styrofoam would absorb the sound so I and his 41 other roommates wouldn’t hear anything. He had a severe allergic reaction to the leftover peanut sauce in a styrofoam pad Thai container in his pillowcase once and had to be moved to an apartment in Memphis. He’s a big anti nut activist now, he recently organized the largest no nut November rally but everyone seemed to think it was about not masturbating. It really discouraged him that something he was so passionate about like eradicating nuts from the earth was co-opted by people who didn’t want to ejaculate for some odd reason.

He’s a lawyer in Paraguay now working on a big case against trees to get them to stop making nuts. Here’s to hoping he’s successful!

The last time my brother’s aunt got COVID she told us she cured it by putting candy corn in her asshole. After that she started doing it every day as if they were multivitamins but she was diabetic so she fell into a coma and eventually died, this was 8 years ago so I have no idea how the hell she got COVID in the first place. Rest in peace Gary-Ann.