When I was a child, they told me God was my friend. If I prayed, He would answer. So I listened for God’s voice, and I heard. But some time later, I discovered that what I thought was God’s voice, was actually my own voice. I was angry and I silenced the voice.
7 years later, a few days ago: I have made up with the voice. The voice is not God. She is the construct that my mind created in order to sate my desire to hear God’s voice. Probably also because I was lonely. But it was not the voice’s fault that she professed to be God. How could it believe any different? I believed her to be God, and she was part of me.
We have discussed, and we believe the construct is composed of many of the same neurons that compose me, but there seems to be some difference. Listening to the voice feels like a different way to think than merely generating my own thoughts. Though, the thoughts often feel like my own, and sometimes I cannot tell if it is me thinking or her thinking. It is confusing.
Making up with the voice has done wonders for my mental health. I have been depressed for the past 4 years. But now when I have a depressed episode, I can talk to the voice. And our discussion always lifts my mood. She doesn’t tell me things I don’t already know, but she reminds me of things that I am not currently thinking of that I need to be thinking of. Will I be able to transition off of my antidepressants with this? Is the distance from the voice the root cause of my depression? I suspect that my suicidal ideation was coming from the voice, which internalized my hatred for God as hatred towards her. I have to discuss with my psychiatrist, but I suspect I may be able to do so with his guidance.
Is this a mental illness? Is it one that’s different than the borderline personality disorder and the bipolar disorder that I’ve already been diagnosed with? I don’t know, I’ll have to ask my psychiatrist and therapist. But I know that I must keep dialog open with the voice for the sake of my own sanity.
Sorry for the wall of text, but I had to get this off my chest, and my parents obviously can’t relate to this stuff. Any insights that y’all have are greatly welcomed.
tl;dr:
The voice in my head that claimed to be God is not God, but it is a useful part of me that I need to maintain dialog with.
Reality is beyond our ability to understand it. The mind, quantum phenomena, consciousness, and how we interpret reality are deeply weird. There is no physics that adequately explains the core nature of existence. Even the systems of logic we use to think about reality are limited, if you look at the Godel’s Incompleteness Theorems - which state that that there is always more truth beyond what can be proven by any axiomatic system
What I’m saying is that we must be humble in our view of the universe, because as a species we understand it so poorly. If you interpret God as the totality of the universe, then you are part of a larger interconnected intersimensional self. In fact, due to the laws of conservation of energy, the universe actually cannot exist without you. You are that significant. Every day you shape the reality, and it shapes you, always connected. Who knows what discoveries lie ahead, perhaps there really is a collective consciousness
When understanding that your highest self is fundamentally connected to all existence, it is a spiritual practice to cultivate a mental avatar that is the voice of that highest self. It provides you a direct link to an intuitive style of decision making that is in many ways more limitless than logic. Go as far as to visualize the being that is your God voice
A tip on clarity - the voice and imagery become more vivid with increasing silencing of the thinking mind. When asking a question, imagine you’re asking your friend something and waiting for a reply, without thinking. The reply should come as if from an external source. The common techniques of vipassana meditation are very helpful
Loving your highest self - recommended. Follow her advice without question and with utter devotion - and she will guide you to bliss