When I was a child, they told me God was my friend. If I prayed, He would answer. So I listened for God’s voice, and I heard. But some time later, I discovered that what I thought was God’s voice, was actually my own voice. I was angry and I silenced the voice.
7 years later, a few days ago: I have made up with the voice. The voice is not God. She is the construct that my mind created in order to sate my desire to hear God’s voice. Probably also because I was lonely. But it was not the voice’s fault that she professed to be God. How could it believe any different? I believed her to be God, and she was part of me.
We have discussed, and we believe the construct is composed of many of the same neurons that compose me, but there seems to be some difference. Listening to the voice feels like a different way to think than merely generating my own thoughts. Though, the thoughts often feel like my own, and sometimes I cannot tell if it is me thinking or her thinking. It is confusing.
Making up with the voice has done wonders for my mental health. I have been depressed for the past 4 years. But now when I have a depressed episode, I can talk to the voice. And our discussion always lifts my mood. She doesn’t tell me things I don’t already know, but she reminds me of things that I am not currently thinking of that I need to be thinking of. Will I be able to transition off of my antidepressants with this? Is the distance from the voice the root cause of my depression? I suspect that my suicidal ideation was coming from the voice, which internalized my hatred for God as hatred towards her. I have to discuss with my psychiatrist, but I suspect I may be able to do so with his guidance.
Is this a mental illness? Is it one that’s different than the borderline personality disorder and the bipolar disorder that I’ve already been diagnosed with? I don’t know, I’ll have to ask my psychiatrist and therapist. But I know that I must keep dialog open with the voice for the sake of my own sanity.
Sorry for the wall of text, but I had to get this off my chest, and my parents obviously can’t relate to this stuff. Any insights that y’all have are greatly welcomed.
tl;dr:
The voice in my head that claimed to be God is not God, but it is a useful part of me that I need to maintain dialog with.
I attended AA in a very liberal city (West Coast). The program is intimately religious, but many of the attendees (including myself) were deeply antireligious.
A common theme was people describing their alternate “higher power” – what we use to play the role of inspiration, support, aspiration, admonition, conscience, morale.
At the time, I viewed the community itself as mine. (Definitely influenced by my anabaptist tendencies – of all the christian strains, I still somewhat respect the community focus of liberation theology.)
Others used themselves, an inner voice. A common suggestion was to use a doorknob – the point being, the value comes from your internal attitude and reflection, not necessarily the target itself.
Anyway, your introspection reminds me of that general discussion.
It is remarkably similar to my experience, yes! I love the idea of everyone finding an inner voice that they can rely on, but do not follow unquestioningly because they know that voice is fallible and is part of them.