I hate seeing the disparity between what I know I'm capable of and what I'm actually able to do.

I’ve got a degree in engineering. I love engineering, programming, electronics, CAD and physical prototype design. I love identifying problems and figuring out requirements and designing something to solve it. I know I’m really good at it, but I can only really perform what feels like 20% of the time.

I’ll get into some hyper focus for some problem, learn some complex technology, solve the problem, then not be able to look at tech for weeks. This is cool for hobby stuff but man I gotta work too.

I find it nearly impossible to work on things which I don’t find personally interesting which isn’t good because most “work” isn’t interesting whatsoever. I envy people who are able to just go “ah time to do this boring thing” and they just fucking do it. It genuinely feels impossible to just start.

I’m medicated for ADHD but it feels like it only works like 20-30% of the time. The rest of the time my eyes just lose focus and I stare blankly at a screen waiting for hours to pass.

I don’t know how to make this work for me either. I know theoretically I could be a prototype engineer, the type of freelance generalist who gets an idea out and disappears but I don’t know how to network sufficiently enough to do that. I’ve got a good job right now, but COL is so high and full remote isn’t possible so I’ll always be living in a small apartment or be in so much debt I’ll never be able to retire.

I want to do more hardware stuff but that’s so rarely a remote type job and offices just hurt my soul with how uncomfortable I am all day long. I could probably make a living as a software engineer but I don’t know if I’d be able to keep up any kind of pace long term that would let me keep my job.

I almost want to take a stab at doing youtube videos and see if I can make a handful of neat projects that get me a sponsor. enough to score a house in a rundown rustbelt town and be able to fuck off and work at my own pace without the impending doom of rent or mortgage staring me down.

I drink plenty of water, jog when its warm, use a pomodoro timer when I remember. I learned the fundamentals of Rust in a weekend, designed and manufactured a run of PCBs in under 3 months. I just can’t keep that momentum going, even if I try to slow down.

thanks for letting me rant. Its not lost on me how privileged I am in this scenario. I’m quite lucky and comfortable but it terrifies me how even someone doing well like myself can’t see an exit off this awful ride.

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