Hi everyone, first post on here. This will be a bit of a ramble, sorry in advance.
I’m dealing with some inner turmoil, as do most people. As I age it gets worse and I know I’m not alone in this, but I don’t have anybody in my inner circle who understands, while they might be sympathetic.
I struggle with feeling like I’m my authentic self. I feel like I’m in the wrong body and have been all my life. I don’t hate it though, I just deal with it, mostly through just ignoring its existence and accepting that it at least lets me do things. I’m quite capable. But I also just don’t feel… right. When I look at myself in the mirror, I feel nothing. I used to hate it, now I just feel apathy.
I dress like the gender people perceive me as, to make life easier for myself. At work, we use uniforms, which some days helps and others make it worse.
I worry about expressing myself both in terms of dialogue and clothing options as I live in Tory country and my spouse and other dear queer friends have dealt with emotional and physical abuse for not “toeing the line”. My partner expresses themselves so minimally, yet sooo flamboyantly if you ask the general public?
In our local community, we get “away” with more as we are part of the artist and musician community, but why should that have to matter?
It’s fucked up.
I struggle with mental health issues and have my entire life. I usually tell myself that’s what’s causing the incongruity, or discrepancy, between what society perceives me as and what I perceive me as. I’m not sure that’s true anymore… But I’m scared. Part of me likes hiding. Part of me is tired of not sticking up for myself more.
Mostly I’m just tired.
I feel a bit similarly to you. It can be so strange to be living somewhere where fully expressing yourself is seen as ‘shocking’ or would potentially get negative/abusive feedback. Like, it’s destabilizing, it creates some unavoidable disassociation when your reality is out of sync with the people around you. I don’t have a solution, but I can offer my solidarity. It really sucks, it’s bad for a human brain and being to have to do. For me, I try to do what I can to build up and feed and protect my own internal experience of myself as much as possible, privately and for myself, as often as possible. It seems to help.
Nail on the head. I don’t feel like I’m asking for anything ludicrous here, it’s literally just clothing items that might go against the majority of people’s ideas of my perceived gender. Gender fuckery, if you will.
It’s odd when your entire existence is an event and a shock and a reset to others. I’m not out to provoke (though I’d be fine with people doing that, sometimes that’s exactly what it takes), I just want to live life how I feel it best suits me.
And yeah, I’m similar to you. My spouse and I have created a safe little haven for ourselves and our general friend group are either similar to us or understanding at least.
Thank you, your words mattered a lot to me.
Yes it’s so weird!! It takes everything you’re trying to do for yourself out of context it’s bizarre! I’m so happy you have a little haven with a few close people. Hopefully, with luck, this moment will fade out and things will begin to shift for the better again. I thank you for your words as well
Exactly!
I sincerely hope you get to live life authentically, whatever that might mean to you.