For me it was growing up around drug addicts. I wanted to know why so many people in my life liked them so much, so started using drugs around the age of 13.
It started with abusing inhalants, huffing ether spray for small motors, and even huffing gasoline at my worst.
I started associating with troll groups online at the time, and a lot of them were drug users as well. They knew I was a dumb kid and got me to stop huffing and move onto abusing my prescriptions, which included adderall and xanax. I would switch between the two based on what I had on hand. Crushing up the adderall to snort it, taking multiple pills of Xanax trying not to black out.
I did this for a year or two and stopped as I learned about “research chemicals”, which I could legally buy online. I tried all kinds of psychedelic drugs such as 2C-E and nBome. I was lucky I didn’t die, since those drugs were extremely intense on my body. I ended up going to the ER after talking too much nBome, which resulted in my legs turning a completely pale white. They felt cold and numb, which told me it was vein constriction, a known risk of the drug which can easily result in death or limb loss.
I’m about 19 when that happened, and Silk Road was kicking into high gear, so I figured I should just start using that to buy real drugs, which I did. I started buying absurd amounts of weed and acid, spending basically all my money from my first job. I didn’t have to pay bills or rent as I was living with my grandparents. I don’t even remember most of this period of my life, as it was just a constant stream of psychedelics, alcohol, Xanax, and marijuana abuse.
In 2016 the weed and psychedelics weren’t doing it anymore, and for whatever reason my grandpa had managed to collect enough unused Xanax prescriptions that I got my hands on HUNDREDS of pills. I quickly became addicted in the span of about a month, which I knew because I started to wake up feeling stabbing pains, cramps, extreme lethargy, and depression.
The next 6 months were the worst period of my life. I would take xanax multiple times a day just to get through the day. Even with that, I was having awful withdrawals that included dry heaving even though I wanted to throw up, strange memory loss (both short term and long term), intolerance to light and sound (even the wind was enough to make me want to vomit), cramps, stabbing pains, insomnia, and so much more.
Eventually I ended up buying heroin, but luckily my friend at the time put his foot down and threatened to leave me if I didn’t accept his help getting off the drugs. It took about 6 months and lots of checking in, but eventually I tapered myself off the Xanax and got rid of any heroin I had. Unfortunately however the taste of heroin I got was enough for me to start seeking out opiates. Luckily between the high prices and extreme risks that fentanyl was posing at the time, I never got addicted, but even to this day I wish I was able to use more, and often get obsessive thinking about how nice it would feel to use them again.
From that point to now I’ve been able to stick to weed for the most part, but looking back on all the time and money I wasted just makes me sad. I am lucky my experiences were benign compared to what could have happened at least.
To anyone who may be considering using drugs for the first time, just don’t. Yes they feel good, but living life feels better. With drugs the pleasure quickly goes away and you just end up using them to cope. It’s a stupid, worthless cycle that just leaves you feeling empty.
Sorry this comment was so long.
Thanks for sharing. Good on you for getting clean and I wish you strength in staying that way.
Thanks for sharing. My nephew went to rehab recently for Xanax and I didn’t really understand it. I didn’t want to prod him or my sister really, so I appreciate the insight.
Xanax is similar to opiates in that it makes emotional pains and problems go away, the difference is it does this by sedating you rather than giving you overwhelming pleasure.
Apparently benzodiazapine (and alcohol) withdrawals are the worst you can have. I’ve only experienced benzo withdrawals, so I can’t say, but it’s worth remembering that if you just stop using them cold turkey, you can actually die, unlike practically every other withdrawal.
So just remember he’s going through some stuff. Don’t let that be an excuse for him to take advantage of you though.
Thanks for sharing. My nephew went to rehab recently for Xanax and I didn’t really understand it. I didn’t want to prod him or my sister really, so I appreciate the insight.
i probably sound dumb but i think i’m an alcoholic. i refuse to stop drinking unless i’m blacked out. i won’t drink unless i’m blacking out. i’ve also had to go to the hospital for throwing up blood. i also occasionally have to call out of work. i just turned 24 two days ago and prior to 2022, i never ever drank. 2022 was an awful year for me and so i said “fuck it” and went all out.
i guess i’m “clean” during the week, idk
You need help stopping and there is help available. I quit drinking a few years ago after realizing I was an alcoholic. You need to stop before you body forces you to stop.
With some effort, support, and planning I was able to not drink for a year straight. And have since been able to have a drink without having too much or wanting more.
It isn’t easy but neither is liver issues.
Figure out what drives you to drink and avoid it. I cut friends that I liked to drink around. Quit a well paying job because it stressed me out. I took a few weeks off after I quit and kinda reset and finally had found my major trigger.
Anyway you can get a handle on it.
And have since been able to have a drink without having too much or wanting more.
This is very dangerous. Alcoholics often try and convince themselves they can ‘just have one’, and it usually becomes another months or years long bender.
Be careful playing with fire
That is certainly alcoholism. You don’t sound dumb, you’re smart for being able to recognize it. Many people just ignore it and pretend they aren’t addicted.
Semantics aside, you have a deeply unhealthy relationship with alcohol, and it’s probably best to find a way to end that relationship before something life ruining happens to you while drunk.
Relatable.
Keep trying. You can do it.
I wasn’t a black out drunk, mainly cause it didn’t take much to make me drunk, but I couldn’t stop once I started either. First I hold out on drinking during the week, then I’d have drinks on the evening, then a drink before work then decided to quit before it got further out of hand.
I hope you find the motivation to quit cause honestly drinking is such a waste of time. I genuinely believe all you need is to believe you can.
I’ve been there before.
Gotta get help. Gotta get therapy. Alcohol does have a strong physical/chemical dependency that forms on long term abuse, however the source of what drives you to abuse chemicals is always something deeper.
Get the help. It’s worth it not to feel paper thin.
Started as experimenting with drinking, found that I liked weed better, experimented with pretty much everything else, got arrested and put on probation, failed a drug test and was confronted by my parents, then went to rehab.
Rehab got me sober, Alcoholics Anonymous kept me sober.
The biggest reason I was able to get sober is that I actually wanted to. By the end of my addiction, I wanted to stop but couldn’t.
The biggest reason I was able to stay sober was AA. Going and working the 12 steps.
Feb. 2008 my spine tried to kill me. Lower lumbar spinal stenosis.
Did a bunch of stuff, winded up on vicodin. At my peak, just to function as a normal human being, I was taking 10 a day.
2 when I woke up.
2 when I got to work.
2 at lunchtime.
2 when I got home.
2 to be able to sleep.For a year, it felt like my head was stuffed with cotton.
I got tired of not being able to think so I stopped the vicodin, managing the pain with stretching, breathing exercises, and meditation.
The pain never left, but I could “distance” it, like shouting from the house across the street.
I would not wish stenosis pain on my worst enemy.
They can’t fry nerves or anything? My Grandmother has spine issues related to an accident and had that done a few times, so perhaps it’s something you could ask for? Sorry to hear you’re going through the pain though, I don’t think most people realize how awful chronic pain is.
At the time the doc said they could do a laminectomy, which is removing some of the spine material to prevent the spinal cord from being crushed. But it’s expensive, would require I be off work for 6 weeks, and wouldn’t be super effective.
So I told him “Ok, pretend we did that, because pretending doesn’t cost anything, not super effective, still in pain, now what?”
“Well, we can do cortizone shots into your spine…”
“Gee, that sounds pleasant, but I’ve heard you can only have so many of those and you’re done, you can’t have anymore. I’ve got, maybe, what another 40 years? Let’s not burn all the cortizone shots now… What’s next?”
¯\_(ツ)_/¯ “Vicodin?”
I started huffing glue with my friend Rick Reeves (keanus dad actually) in '92, next thing I know it’s '97 and we’re speeding down route 66 in high as kites on a mixture of paint thinners, ludes and xanax, and I just think to myself “this ain’t no life”. Right then and there I told rick to stop the car, in the middle of the desert, to let me out.
I walked through the desert for about 40 weeks really finding myself, learning who I was. Feeding off of slow snakes, roadkill and cactus water. It really sobered me up and I’ve been clean for 26 years.
Dude went on a Moses marathon run
It all started with the socialably acceptable alcohol which I drank to extremes then came weed followed by the hard drugs later in life.
I got clean by turning up at a Narcotics Anonymous meeting and getting myself a sponsor and working the steps.
Just for Today - I’m clean and have a positive outlook on life
The wish to found something much deeper and higher on the meaning of the life. (Both In and Out).
