I made this account as an alt because I’m deeply ashamed of the feelings and biases that could be considered reactionary. I know they’re stemming from living in a country that subscribes to the delusion of white supremacy, and other views that ultimately support capitalism, but I want to take responsibility for the work I have to do.
To give some context to the post title, I don’t think I’m virulently racist. I’m nonwhite, and I’m trying to address internalized racism and beliefs around white supremacy. I’ve read about and believe systemic racism is a thing, so I don’t think it’s a matter of me being convinced. I believe these are shitty and wrong things to feel, and I’ve done my best to consciously counter it, but I want to be better.
I’m trying to use things like Google to find resources, but it’s been so bad lately, and I don’t want to sink energy and resources into something like White Fragility when that’s not the kind of work I’m trying to do. Does that make sense?
I want to be better about self-crit, but I want to make sure I’m doing it the right way. Are there recommended books, resources, audiobooks, ways of approaching personal biases and maybe getting to the root of an issue around race? Is this just something that will click as I continue to actively confronting myself?
If there’s a more appropriate place to have discussions like this, I’m okay with this post/account getting removed. I don’t want to stir shit, and if this is a thing I need to work on with a therapist or on my own, I’m willing to continue doing that.
It’s affected my life in the sense that I tend to avoid people different from what I’m familiar with. I’ve been diagnosed with general anxiety and additional traits that could be connected to neurodiversity, so that could be contributing, but I want to put in the appropriate effort and not use that as an excuse. I know that’s an ableist way of seeing it, but I don’t want my own issues to hurt others.
It’s affected relationships in the sense of ‘dating preferences’. I hate that type of racism and I’ve been on the receiving end of it, but it’s something that takes up space in my head. I actively work against that tendency when I can, but I hate that it’s a conscious effort.
I don’t believe that I’ve directly hurt people as a result, and I’ve been mindful and apologetic if I’ve made missteps. I’ve never had somebody stop me and talk to me about saying or doing something insensitive. I’d like to think I’d listen and internalize what someone said about how I treated them.
I never really considered people of color getting caught up in the white-guilt industry. I guess it makes sense if we’re more aware and open to the idea of racism actually existing.
So this is pop psychology AF. But I feel like feeling anxious and unhappy with all that’s going on in the world just means that you’re healthy and awake. The “everything is OK” attitude from the average Westernoid is going to get us all killed. I feel like you should be more proud of your inner workings, as you’re probably a sensitive and thoughtful person.
If you’ve been diagnosed with GAD, that’s a good first step. Anxiety is a huge part of this. It makes you weird about everyone, and race shapes how you’re gonna be weird. Continue down the treatment road.
Something that helped me be more normal interacting with people was organizing, especially the kind where you’re approaching people cold to make an ask: canvassing, approaching someone in another department at work to join the union, that kind of thing. It makes people less scary.
Also, don’t just read about racism, it’s a weird way to look at a group of people. Read books by black people that are about more than just racism. Fiction is good. Check out The Fifth Season by NK Jemisin or Xenogenesis by Octavia Butler.
Is it a kind of thing where you’re afraid of offending people so you stay away in order not to create a faux pas? I used to have that anxiety before my current job, where I have to interact with customers all day. My advice: Don’t just assume you’re “not racist” but the bar for not being racist is on the ground in America so don’t be afraid to just talk to people. Don’t talk about race first thing, just talk about small topics. Pop culture, the weather, how their day has been, etc. The anxiety will begin to go away with time.