I struggle to do things in silence. Earlier today, I was unable to cook for almost thirty minutes because I couldn’t find something to listen to. Like I didn’t start until I could find something to settle on.

Before starting something, I usually try to check in with someone or I’ll start up a chat. I don’t have the bandwidth to long.

Other times I’ll have my laptop with a document on one side of the screen with a movie on the other. With a switch nearby, my phone in my hand, and I’m trying to eat a meal.

I have these rich fantasy worlds I’ll daydream in. Like legit world building where I need things to make sense.

It feels like I’m distracting myself from my life sometimes. I’m not in a great place, and I know I’d start tasks when I’m stressed. Sometimes I’ll drop make plans and then drop them immediately. Other times I’ll freeze and stall before making a decision.

On one hand, I think this is a form of dissociation, given my trauma history. I’m just disengaged and I don’t feel motivated to take action.

I also think it might be autism. I’ll let myself get lost in rabbit holes that interest me and I’m very particular.

I also don’t know if this is adhd. The multitasking and keeping busy feel in line. I struggled to pay attention in school, but I don’t know if that was stress or something else.

I feel a lot of shame around this and wonder if these are traits of narcissism. I’m absent minded with being on time for other people, and I feel like using people distract myself is wrong.

I’m asking this because I want to properly identify how my actions may be read so that I can communicate better. Any literature, feedback, or advice is welcome.