I struggle to do things in silence. Earlier today, I was unable to cook for almost thirty minutes because I couldn’t find something to listen to. Like I didn’t start until I could find something to settle on.
Before starting something, I usually try to check in with someone or I’ll start up a chat. I don’t have the bandwidth to long.
Other times I’ll have my laptop with a document on one side of the screen with a movie on the other. With a switch nearby, my phone in my hand, and I’m trying to eat a meal.
I have these rich fantasy worlds I’ll daydream in. Like legit world building where I need things to make sense.
It feels like I’m distracting myself from my life sometimes. I’m not in a great place, and I know I’d start tasks when I’m stressed. Sometimes I’ll drop make plans and then drop them immediately. Other times I’ll freeze and stall before making a decision.
On one hand, I think this is a form of dissociation, given my trauma history. I’m just disengaged and I don’t feel motivated to take action.
I also think it might be autism. I’ll let myself get lost in rabbit holes that interest me and I’m very particular.
I also don’t know if this is adhd. The multitasking and keeping busy feel in line. I struggled to pay attention in school, but I don’t know if that was stress or something else.
I feel a lot of shame around this and wonder if these are traits of narcissism. I’m absent minded with being on time for other people, and I feel like using people distract myself is wrong.
I’m asking this because I want to properly identify how my actions may be read so that I can communicate better. Any literature, feedback, or advice is welcome.
Agreeing with other comments it sounds like you’re describing a bunch of the lesser-known aspects of ADHD. Even the narcissism anxiety and the mania feel pretty on brand for what I’ve experienced personally and what my loved ones with ADHD have said and done.
What’s your caffeine intake like? Your sleep schedule? Maybe see if you can get diagnosed and try medication if you want but I think you’ll be surprised by how effective basic things can be for helping you feel grounded. Things like eating enough, taking multivitamin, regularly working out (literally anything that elevates your heart rate), and sleeping as regularly as you can (I can’t but I try).
first bit sounds like being understimulated, which’d probably be an ADHD thing
I have these rich fantasy worlds I’ll daydream in. Like legit world building where I need things to make sense.
if you’re daydreaming a lot and it gets in the way of functioning, it could be maladaptive daydreaming. if you just do it for fun and it doesn’t, then that’s just pretty normal
It feels like I’m distracting myself from my life sometimes. I’m not in a great place, and I know I’d start tasks when I’m stressed. Sometimes I’ll drop make plans and then drop them immediately. Other times I’ll freeze and stall before making a decision.
I do this too, for me it’s that i get super anxious about low-productivity when im anxious, so i try to do something, but then physically cannot focus due to the anxiety
i have disassociative identity disorder, so i have a lot of experience with disassociation. personally none of this feels similar to me, aside from the daydreaming (but that’s coupled with other symptoms). needing to do things in silence, for example, is the exact opposite for me. when im dissociating i prefer silence, and then i kinda blank on what im doing and then it’s done. since i have pretty hardcore amnesia barriers that might just be me, though
Thank you for your insight. I think dissociation because I really don’t want to feel or process what I’m going through. But maybe that’s inaccurate. But it’s like I want to be anywhere but where I am in my body.
Yea that feeling sounds more along the lines of understimulation to me. I feel more passive when i disassociate
I feel like you’re describing me and I just have adhd. I mean, I say “just” adhd, but in a way that’s like “at least this stuff probably stems from just one cause instead of several.” Half of these things are textbook procrastination, some of them are you seeking “white noise” to block out further distractions, the decision paralysis/perfectionism, the powerful daydreaming, needing either looming deadlines or genuine interest to get shit done. It me, all of it.
I understand what you mean, and thank you. Have you found things that make the procrastination less of a problem?
So for me it’s getting started that’s the hard part, if I can get over that hump then that job or whatever has now become The Thing I’m Doing and it’s easier to keep going than it is to start doing something else. Like, wherever it makes sense to do so, I try to append things to an existing routine so that it becomes a habitual “oh that’s just the thing that comes next” and I can autopilot 5-10 minutes deep. Basically figuring out ways to avoid thinking too hard about what I have to do next, because thinking about what I have to do next is when the procrastination happens.
Hey I do that too, am I okay??
Is it getting in the way of things you need to do, want to do, or your relationships?
