One of these days I will get around to writing my effort post about how having kids has really opened my eyes as how much gender really is a social construct. I’ve tried to avoid pushing gender norms on my kids but the reality is that society is so overwhelming in this regard.
Also, while I am very much on the side of “let kids pick their own stuff” (largely based on what I said above), my wife got my daughter her first backpack - a sparkly purple unicorn backpack. Which is fine in itself. But… I shouldn’t be, but I do feel kinda hurt I was not involved in the process. Because - and I know this is a bit odd - I am a bit of a backpack aficionado. I worked in an independent outdoor goods store for a couple years and got really involved with the backpacks. Kinda like, my “thing”. There wasn’t anything intentional, but still…
My kid has a growing collection of very mediocre bags and backpacks received as gifts. You’ll definitely have an opportunity to help your kid pick out a nice backpack, and I hope the experience of picking it out with the help of a backpack-expert parent will make that one special (especially if you spice it up with some fun patches or pins)!
Kids stuff is so ephemeral, here today, gone tomorrow. They grow out if it, lose it, break it, become bored of it. There will be more backpacks.
The gender stuff is very true. We don’t push things onto our kids but our girl loves dresses and our boy loves trucks. They go to daycare 5 days a week. They have more hours in a week interfacing with more adults and kids then they have hours in the week interfacing with us.
That’s result of both of us needing to work to support our family. So while we will retain primary influence, that secondary influence is going to be very strong.
The good thing is these norms will stand in contrast to the way you behave and how you talk about them. While most uncritical parents will raise uncritical kids who have to learn to be critical (or never do), your critical perspective will act ad a counter balance, so long as that perspective isn’t oppressive (I think).
You can’t escape the pressures but you’ll be better equipped to explain why these pressures make no sense, because they will begin to make no sense.
And I get the backpack thing. They’re the sort of thing where all backpacks seem similar, but there are a lot of nuances that make the difference between a good backpack and a bad one when you know what to look for. And you don’t want to be stuck with a bad backpack because you already bought it.
So I realized at some point after having my child that a lot of the gender neutral items are actually just more typically “boy” gendered things put on girls. I wanted to not go along with this. I put my baby boy in flowery onesies and was told “why is he wearing girls clothes?.” Like flowers are for girls?? Those beautiful things that just grow in the ground? What a weird society.
A girl in a dinosaur shirt, no one bats an eye. A boy in a sparkly unicorn shirt, people comment. I am not saying dinosaurs are for boys, I am saying unicorns are also for boys. Then also, sparkly unicorns are for all kids. I have become so anti today’s “gender neutral” because it just isn’t neutral.
Anyways, that backpack will be fun because your kid thinks it is fun. Maybe go get a second backpack for the weekends and make that backpack fun too by doing things together in it :)
I see this with my boys as well. They call EVE from Wall-E ‘Girl Robot’, and when they have similar toys where one is bigger than the other, like two trains or busses, one becomes ‘Daddy Bus’ and the other becomes ‘Mummy Bus’.
I ask them why EVE is a girl or why the smaller bus is the Mummy Bus but I don’t get an answer from them yet. I hope they think about it a bit more though and I can talk to them about it some more when they’re older.
One of these days I will get around to writing my effort post about how having kids has really opened my eyes as how much gender really is a social construct. I’ve tried to avoid pushing gender norms on my kids but the reality is that society is so overwhelming in this regard.
Also, while I am very much on the side of “let kids pick their own stuff” (largely based on what I said above), my wife got my daughter her first backpack - a sparkly purple unicorn backpack. Which is fine in itself. But… I shouldn’t be, but I do feel kinda hurt I was not involved in the process. Because - and I know this is a bit odd - I am a bit of a backpack aficionado. I worked in an independent outdoor goods store for a couple years and got really involved with the backpacks. Kinda like, my “thing”. There wasn’t anything intentional, but still…
My kid has a growing collection of very mediocre bags and backpacks received as gifts. You’ll definitely have an opportunity to help your kid pick out a nice backpack, and I hope the experience of picking it out with the help of a backpack-expert parent will make that one special (especially if you spice it up with some fun patches or pins)!
Kids stuff is so ephemeral, here today, gone tomorrow. They grow out if it, lose it, break it, become bored of it. There will be more backpacks.
The gender stuff is very true. We don’t push things onto our kids but our girl loves dresses and our boy loves trucks. They go to daycare 5 days a week. They have more hours in a week interfacing with more adults and kids then they have hours in the week interfacing with us.
That’s result of both of us needing to work to support our family. So while we will retain primary influence, that secondary influence is going to be very strong.
The good thing is these norms will stand in contrast to the way you behave and how you talk about them. While most uncritical parents will raise uncritical kids who have to learn to be critical (or never do), your critical perspective will act ad a counter balance, so long as that perspective isn’t oppressive (I think).
You can’t escape the pressures but you’ll be better equipped to explain why these pressures make no sense, because they will begin to make no sense.
And I get the backpack thing. They’re the sort of thing where all backpacks seem similar, but there are a lot of nuances that make the difference between a good backpack and a bad one when you know what to look for. And you don’t want to be stuck with a bad backpack because you already bought it.
So I realized at some point after having my child that a lot of the gender neutral items are actually just more typically “boy” gendered things put on girls. I wanted to not go along with this. I put my baby boy in flowery onesies and was told “why is he wearing girls clothes?.” Like flowers are for girls?? Those beautiful things that just grow in the ground? What a weird society.
A girl in a dinosaur shirt, no one bats an eye. A boy in a sparkly unicorn shirt, people comment. I am not saying dinosaurs are for boys, I am saying unicorns are also for boys. Then also, sparkly unicorns are for all kids. I have become so anti today’s “gender neutral” because it just isn’t neutral.
Anyways, that backpack will be fun because your kid thinks it is fun. Maybe go get a second backpack for the weekends and make that backpack fun too by doing things together in it :)
I see this with my boys as well. They call EVE from Wall-E ‘Girl Robot’, and when they have similar toys where one is bigger than the other, like two trains or busses, one becomes ‘Daddy Bus’ and the other becomes ‘Mummy Bus’.
I ask them why EVE is a girl or why the smaller bus is the Mummy Bus but I don’t get an answer from them yet. I hope they think about it a bit more though and I can talk to them about it some more when they’re older.