What the fuck is wrong with me. I can watch something that doesn’t speak to me whether it is good or not, but the moment I start to like like it I just stop it and get afraid of continuing with it. For example my backlog is full of games that I know I will like but I never play because I am afraid of not properly enjoying them or understanding them.
Is this shit behavior ADHD, autism, OCD or a combination of them all? Do you have this issue as well? Sorry for the rambling but I am high and in despair right now, I can’t enjoy anything at all anymore (when I was a teen I didn’t have this issue, it appeared after a particularly hard semester in uni)
For me, I think it’s part depression/dysthymia keeping me from fully enjoying things, part ocd/ anxiety believing I’m enjoying things wrong if I don’t give something my full attention, my anxiety and adhd keeping me from paying attention, and a general pessimistic belief that something might just ruin my experience of the thing. It ends up with me getting high to participate in things I enjoy, but not fully remembering parts of it.
It’s not healthy and I’m trying to unpack why I am avoiding things I enjoy because I know there’s something else going on, like I’m trying to save my good experiences for when I can better enjoy them, but maybe that’s me just resisting the human experience.