So at 4:30 in the morning, I was woken by an interdimensional alien monstrosity I can only imagine is one of the creatures David Grusch was alluding to in that Congressional hearing a few weeks ago, and after an hour of running away, suppressing my screams, and unsuccessful attempts at smashing the thing, I have captured it in a Mason jar, and now have no idea how to properly punish it.
And I emphasize punish as opposed to simply kill, for the indignities this not-so-little asshole put me through the past hour render it completely undeserving of any mercy, quarter, or protection under our legal system.
IT’S HALF THE SIZE OF MY FUCKING HAND.
IT, IT’S BROWN AND SHINY ALL AT THE SAME TIME SOMEHOW.
IT FLEW. I HAD TO DODGE TO KEEP IT FROM FLYING IN MY FACE. 😡😡😡🤬🤬🤬😰😰😰
It dared to defy the authority of the top creature of the motherfucking pecking order on Earth, and for my humiliation it must be forced to suffer. An example must be made so none of its kind get any ideas. I don’t want them to invade Earth and destroy humanity.
Only this is my first time dealing with something like this and I don’t know how to make it suffer.
How do you maximize the pain of an evil alien entity from another dimension? How do we make it suffer as much as possible? Yes, this is a serious question.
Can these things even feel pain?
Did, did Lovecraft ever leave any of his instructions in his books? Anyone have a copy of the Necronomicon, perchance?
Proof that aliens exist, EAT YOUR HEART OUT GRUSCH: https://ibb.co/9VpsTMt
No throwaways, we die like aliens dumb enough to crash land in the American heartland
Dude chill. Don’t step down to their level. Show the creature some mercy. You’ve tortured enough by keeping it in that mason jar. Let it go and break the cycle of violence
Fuck that. I spent 10 minutes looking for it during one attempt only to find it crawling on my freaking bed. The only reason I am even up right now is because I am washing my sheets and blankets because of that vile fucking thing. It left like, this weird black dust.
Oh God, it left weird black dust. 😰😰😰
It’s, it’s not gonna infect me, is it?
Those things don’t lay eggs in people, do they?
Yes that actually is kind of a serious question. 😰😰😰😰😰😰
You will probably have transformed into a monstrous vermin when you awake from uneasy dreams tomorrow morning.
Bring the creature outside and release it, let it tell tales about the mighty human warriors and the incredible mercy they showed for such an inferior being.
Seek mental help. Your desire to torture a bug, to cause pain purely for the sake of causing pain, demonstrates a troubled mind.
Can I ship it to your house then?
Unless it has given unmistakable evidence of possessing high intelligence, torture is pointless. It doesn’t understand its transgression, or how you feel, let alone they’ll ever be able to link the cause of their suffering as a consequence of such transgression.
I would suggest you re evaluate the costs and benefits of making this alien suffer. It’s likely not that convenient for you anyway.
And no, no aliens lay eggs on people. The dust is already unusual.
I don’t know; I think that thing plenty understood the terror it put me through when it tried to fly into my face.
Okay, all joking aside, that thing does have to be killed regardless and it’s too strong to be smooshed, voice of experience. I just need to meditate and figure out how.
Well if you must kill it you can spray insecticide in the jar and cover it quickly. Otherwise you can just leave it in the jar.
I prefer the swift death with a chancla though, I find the first two options take too long, in particular the second, and these aliens can stay alive for more than a week in captivity. Since you can’t use the chancla I would recommend the spray.
Water should do the trick. It has to breathe something.
A slow death by drowning does seem appropriate. I could even pop a hole in the top to stop it escaping while I pour the water in.
I hope they can’t swim 😰
I’d probably set it up in front of a tv set to evangelical christian ministers asking it for money in exchange for miracles.
That is actually not a bad idea
These things crave attention. It will be loving getting this social media clout. I heard the most tortuous thing you can do to these monsters is put it outside and forget about it. They HATE the silent treatment.
But what if it gets back inside?
I think you’ve got it backwards. Most likely this is the creature’s ancestral homeland where thousands of generations found a niche with enough food and safety to reproduce to this day.
That means YOU are the alien and invaded by parking your ship (house) here.
Most likely it just wanted to escape, and get back to a place with food and a mate. It doesn’t understand why it’s trapped. Imagine if you were out in the forest and fell though the roof of a cave, then found yourself trapped with an angry bear. Kinda of like that.
The bug didn’t set out to frighten you. So you’re already torturing it by keeping it confined. I would find the nearest nature park or reservation and let it go there.
Nah fam, evolution doesn’t work that way and humanity didn’t rise to the top by submitting to the will of evil hell monstrosities simply because they were there first. Elvis was there before Michael Jackson, did that stop MJ from beating most of his sales records, marrying his daughter and claiming the title of King of Pop? Nope.
That thing could possibly spread diseases, too, and might wander its way back into my house, or someone else’s, and who would I be if I brought that kind of horror upon an unwitting neighbor? What if it bit somebody, or a house pet?
Does human life hold such little value to you that you are willing to choose a literal evil entity over one of your fellow humans?
That thing needs to die, and I shall kill it as soon as I think of an execution method I find suitable.
I’m not saying you have to welcome this thing anywhere near your house (I wouldn’t either). But I’m not sure you have the healthiest relationship with our fellow living beings. I recommend some David Attenborough documentaries as a bit of cleansing, might help you feel better.
So you caught a moth in a mason jar? I heard on the internet the other day that some moths don’t even have mouths, they just live to bang. I’m sure you’ll think of something.
I have no idea what that thing actually is to be honest. I’ll have to Google it at some point. After it dies a brutal death at my hands
It’s a cockroach if you’re being serious
Okay, serious time: I actually did look it up after I finished freaking out and it turns out the thing is a palmetto bug AKA an American cockroach. I have it trapped in a Mason jar and I spent the goddamn afternoon clearing everything out of my room to make sure there are no other creepy-crawlies. There weren’t any; the damn thing probably just got in from outside on account of summer ending.
I am serious about killing it, though. From what I read, those things spread everything from E. coli to salmonella to fucking Flood infection spores and that means it’s not safe or just to just let it out. It seriously could get into a neighbor’s house and spread pestilence and disease and shit.
I’ll douse it with some boric acid or DE or something. Something good and effective.
I never knew cockroaches could get that damn… big D:
Oh yeah they’re terrifying. You wouldn’t think it could fly but they really do. I wouldn’t be too worried about the disease thing FYI. They certainly could track some stuff in, but just one isn’t going to kill you.
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It’s unhinged!
Is thorazine deadly to aliens or insects? 🤔 If so, it would be a viable execution method
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Looks like a fine alien to take on a bass fishing trip…
I am debating between that and some kind of chemical. Those things have to have pain receptors no matter what fucking hell planet they come from, so logic denotes there must be some chemical I can dump on it to cause it excruciating agony.
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