This is a vent and probably a trauma dump too, although I’m probably asking for something despite my inability to word it. I’ll try not to make it too specific but it needs to come out so bad. I’m so fucking lonely. It’s a gigantic painful hole of solitude dug just under the sternum.
I’m slowly pulling myself out of a disastrous marriage. She has issues, I have issues, and we’ve been feeding each other’s issues for years. I haven’t existed for a long time. I haven’t acted on negative or positive signals from myself in a long time. I just soaked it all up. There’s still a lot of sorting out to do and it’ll most probably be a whole bucket of pain all along the way.
We have a child. Our daughter’s amab and she rightfully hates her mother, who’s said horrible things to her throughout her life. She is predictably fucked up. She’s only out as trans to me and has basically given up on life at this point. She lives at night, she dropped out of college, she’s unable to cope with basic social interactions and it’s become increasingly hard to get her to eat meals. She’s shutting me out. I have basically no idea what’s going on with her emotionally anymore. I’m ridden with guilt on so many levels.
Me and my daughter moved out of home and are staying with relatives. We have our own rooms but it’s not an easy situation. We have our own psychologists and our own family doctors.
I knew my sexual orientation’s fluid for a long time. I’ve admitted it to myself for a much shorter time. I’ve mostly come out as bi in the last days. What I didn’t expect is how as soon as I’ve started to quit the heteronormative role of a cishetero husband, the gender fluidity would hit me so crazy hard. I’ve made some simple changes to the way I present which feel unbelievably intense and emancipating. I feel things I thought I would never feel again and others that are completely new to me. It’s like permafrost thawing but in a good way.
On the other hand I also feel like a pet completely cut off from their species. I’m so. Fucking. Lonely. I have no friends, let alone queer ones. It takes a tremendous effort to maintain the faith that this is valid, that I’m valid. That I’m not being silly. That this isn’t one of those mid-life crisis that men go through and that everybody laughs about. I mean I know buying an expensive sports car isn’t like buying buttplugs and nail polish but still you know.
So if you read all that thank you so much and please don’t be shy. I hope your day is bright! I’ll go touch grass for a little while now.
As someone who ignored their feelings and eventually realized that I was miserable, it takes bravery to finally listen to yourself again. I think you’re doing the right thing. It’s hard to feel repressed feelings. Really hard. There were many times when I felt like I was barely treading water. Eventually it gets easier and I felt like myself again.
I went to a counselor and they told me that I had to unprogram myself. I had been telling myself things like “you’re not good enough”. I learned to tell myself positive things, even when I half didn’t believe them at first. Here’s some things that helped me to tell myself:
You’re fine the way you are. You belong in this world as much as anyone else. Your feelings are valid.
I gave myself permission to prioritize myself and my feelings and things improved. I’m not saying it’s okay to neglect others. Sometimes the best thing you can do to help others is to help yourself first. You can learn to trust yourself and love yourself again.
I was talking with a friend a couple of days ago whose life is basically putting out brush fires for others and had hit her limit. She pointed out the flight-safety boilerplate of “remember to secure your own mask before helping others.”
❤️
Thank you for sharing. I’m slowly coming to terms with the fact I need to actually be a person if I want to help. It’s a complicated line to thread on but it’s the only one that’s a life.