This is a vent and probably a trauma dump too, although I’m probably asking for something despite my inability to word it. I’ll try not to make it too specific but it needs to come out so bad. I’m so fucking lonely. It’s a gigantic painful hole of solitude dug just under the sternum.
I’m slowly pulling myself out of a disastrous marriage. She has issues, I have issues, and we’ve been feeding each other’s issues for years. I haven’t existed for a long time. I haven’t acted on negative or positive signals from myself in a long time. I just soaked it all up. There’s still a lot of sorting out to do and it’ll most probably be a whole bucket of pain all along the way.
We have a child. Our daughter’s amab and she rightfully hates her mother, who’s said horrible things to her throughout her life. She is predictably fucked up. She’s only out as trans to me and has basically given up on life at this point. She lives at night, she dropped out of college, she’s unable to cope with basic social interactions and it’s become increasingly hard to get her to eat meals. She’s shutting me out. I have basically no idea what’s going on with her emotionally anymore. I’m ridden with guilt on so many levels.
Me and my daughter moved out of home and are staying with relatives. We have our own rooms but it’s not an easy situation. We have our own psychologists and our own family doctors.
I knew my sexual orientation’s fluid for a long time. I’ve admitted it to myself for a much shorter time. I’ve mostly come out as bi in the last days. What I didn’t expect is how as soon as I’ve started to quit the heteronormative role of a cishetero husband, the gender fluidity would hit me so crazy hard. I’ve made some simple changes to the way I present which feel unbelievably intense and emancipating. I feel things I thought I would never feel again and others that are completely new to me. It’s like permafrost thawing but in a good way.
On the other hand I also feel like a pet completely cut off from their species. I’m so. Fucking. Lonely. I have no friends, let alone queer ones. It takes a tremendous effort to maintain the faith that this is valid, that I’m valid. That I’m not being silly. That this isn’t one of those mid-life crisis that men go through and that everybody laughs about. I mean I know buying an expensive sports car isn’t like buying buttplugs and nail polish but still you know.
So if you read all that thank you so much and please don’t be shy. I hope your day is bright! I’ll go touch grass for a little while now.
I mean, honestly, butt plugs and nail polish are a lot cheaper than a sports car, and much better for the environment.
Jokes aside (although there’s also quite a bit of truth to that), there are a number of things that are interesting to unpack. Starting with:
That’s an incredibly important realization. And be glad you’ve made it, it sure as hell wasn’t easy, I’m assuming. And it won’t be easy for a while yet. But you’re working on a path where in the long term, things will be much better. You have a psychologist, which is great - and that will definitely help you down that path. And if you ever “fall back”, don’t be hard on yourself, it can happen. Get back up and do your best to get onto that path. (And personal note: I know people who are heading into that “not existing” state as you describe it and it’s excruciating to watch, especially after having tried everything to help them. Stories like yours are always a glimmer of hope for me)
I know men having mid-life crises are often joked about, but mid-life crises are serious and valid, as well. I understand you have that “silly” association with them, but they are everything other than that. Maybe you’re going through a mid-life crisis. Maybe you’re not. It honestly doesn’t matter. It’s valid, whatever it is.
What is also important is that you’re honest with your daughter without taking anything out on her (side note: how old is she?). You’re not going to be able to hide that you’re not doing well from her. She won’t believe you for a second that everything is fine. At the same time, this whole thing is incredibly tough for her as well. Being honest and straightforward with her can really help, because if you’re open with people yourself, they’ll often be much more open with you. And she probably desperately needs someone she can be open with. You’re indirectly saying you need someone you can trust, someone who understands you. In all likelihood, she need the same. Do your best to be that person, and you can really help her. She’s already out only to you, so the basis for trust is definitely there.
Hope things get better.
Good point about the mid-life crisis being valid. I really dislike the mockery made out of it. I’ve had to deal with that prejudice from the ex and it stung more than it should have.
You’re absolutely right about being open to my daughter. She’s 18. If I wasn’t open to her about my struggles and about my own queerness than she probably wouldn’t have felt safe enough to share with me that she’s my daughter and not my son.
Thanks for the good wishes and reassurance, it means so much.