I’m exhausted… I don’t know how to break out of this.
I keep having wars inside my head. Dysphoria, imposter syndrome, and OCD that keeps telling me I’m not trans.
I feel really relived when I experience euphoria, but I want to feel like that all the time, which doesn’t happen. So I end up creating an image in my head of who I want to be, I somehow manage to live as this image instead who I am right now. But I also can’t keep that image alive 24/7 without feeling like my head is gonna explode. Whenever that image breaks, I feel really sad. Perfect opportunity for the negative thoughts to return, and I’m already exhausted from trying to keep that image alive that I end up disconnecting from everything.
I’m just numb, my head is so empty, but I’m sure after a few hours, everything will be a mess again. The worst thing is that even when I feel euphoric and happy, it doesn’t feel “me”, as if I don’t have what it takes to be “him”, and I don’t feel like I exist at all. I just want to keep living from my head.
Sorry, nothing I wrote makes sense at all.
fwiw this is a very trans experience you’re going through. you’re trans enough. one thing ive had to learn is that gender euphoria isnt an all the time feeling. it feels amazing when you get it, but eventually the thing that gave you euphoria becomes normal. over time the normal stuff will add up and you notice that a lot of times you just arent feeling dysphoria at all. something might jump up to remind you and it comes back, but the further you go the less that will happen. gender euphoria doesnt go away but it might be more of a special occasion thing, when you put in the extra effort to feel your best.
its important to acknowledge to yourself that you will have ups and downs, that sometimes things will be good and other times things will be bad, and this is totally normal and ok. we dont have to be perfect and present our best most ideal self all the time. the times when things are dark and you’re feeling especially dysphoric are temporary. you will get through them even if they really suck in the moment. over time the lows wont be as low or last as long. its a process that takes a long time, so be gentle with yourself.
Thank you, got it. I think the reason I keep wanting euphoria/dysphoria (even if it hurts) is because I see them as evidence that my feelings and identity still exist, which I’m really scared I’ll lose one day. That’s why when something that made me euphoric/dysphorbic becomes normal, it’s like that evidence is lost, and I feel like I have to protect my identity or else it’s gone. It’ll probably be better if I stop trying to prove and protect everything, but that feels wrong for some reason.
this makes sense to me. like if you get too far along youll lose your transness somehow. for better or worse youll never stop being trans, whether you pull off the most perfect transition of your dreams or dont change anything or something in between. this to me is sometimes a positive and sometimes a negative. i get to be a cute trans woman and enjoy the unique benefits of that identity, but ill never be a cis woman no matter what i do so there will just be things that i want but can never have. no matter what we do there will always be reminders, even if we’re the only one who sees them.
it might help to be around other trans people. i know for me just having someone i can talk to who gets it and accepts me wherever i am in my transition helps so much. plus the further along i get the more part of the club i feel. even if you cant find that where you are, you can find it here 🫂
I guess there really is no point in wasting my energy getting anxious for not feeling anything sometimes. Because these reminders did in fact come back after a while, even without thinking. that’s a relief.
Got it, thank you