“I’m sorry for [not the main thing you should be apologizing for]…”
🚫 Apologizing on behalf of the recipient:
“I’m sorry you feel that way”
“I’m sorry you came to that conclusion”
🚫 Insulting the intelligence of the recipient by way of apology:
“I’m sorry for not being more clear”
“I’m sorry about being so misleading”
🚫 Non-apologies:
“I apologize for…”
“It’s regrettable that…”
“It was terrible to…”
When in doubt, keep it simple. Get the main apology out ASAP, then carefully start saying your piece afterward. Focus on yourself if the situation demands explaining yourself (many don’t). Be extremely careful to speak only constructively about other individuals during the apology (if you can’t say something nice…).
For example: “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”
🚫 Insulting the intelligence of the recipient by way of apology:
“I’m sorry for not being more clear”
“I’m sorry about being so misleading”
How are those insulting? Saying that I should have been more clear means I am the one who messed up by not communicating properly. Something like “sorry that you misunderstood” would be insulting since it places the blame on the recipient’s intelligence.
They’re not inherently insulting - there are ways to use those phrases appropriately, but they can be (and often are) used sarcastically, when the speaker had been clear in the first place.
The main issue is that it partially reassigns blame onto the recipient of the apology. As if you’re saying “I could have done better, but if you were someone else it might not have been an issue in the first place”.
Keep in mind that most apologies are being given unto hurt people and hurt people are less likely to give you the benefit of the doubt. That’s why rule #1 is to keep it simple and spare the details.
EDIT:
A good example of this in context: “I’m sorry for this mixup. It should’ve been written better.”
Making the object of the sentence explicit (“this mixup”) removes the implied presence of the recipient (“I’m sorry for not being more clear (with you)”).
I find myself saying this one a lot. When I feel like I’m putting in effort and the other person won’t meet me in the middle something like this always seems to slip out, but I hate how passive aggressive it is.
Reframing it so ‘the problem’ is the problem rather than the person is a good idea. Helps with communication, and if it can be internalized, it seems like a better way to think about the conflict too.
An excellent observation! Isn’t it funny how the hardest apologies are the ones where you don’t feel like you’ve done anything wrong? Indeed, more often than not, it’s easier to choke down a slice of humble pie before trying to come clean. Then again… sometimes the only available option is to cook up a disingenuous apology and lie that sucker out through your teeth – both costs are valid forms of payment in the world of apologies. Whichever currency you spend, the most important part is not wasting it!
People like the benefits of apologizing but don’t want to pay the ego tax. It’s one of the singlemost powerful social rituals we have as a species but you wouldn’t know it based on how tightfisted so many apologies get.
Sure, but I think you misinterpreted my comment. Most of these examples feel completely irrelevant to whether an apology is good or not, and are perfectly fine in the majority of apologies which are not given in a shithead way.
That’s cool. At the end of the day I’m just generalizing my own lived experience and to tell you the truth I am not a particularly wise person. Normally I wouldn’t lecture on about this sort of thing at all – it just so happened to be topical today.
🚫 Conditional apologies:
🚫 Apologizing on behalf of the recipient:
🚫 Insulting the intelligence of the recipient by way of apology:
🚫 Non-apologies:
When in doubt, keep it simple. Get the main apology out ASAP, then carefully start saying your piece afterward. Focus on yourself if the situation demands explaining yourself (many don’t). Be extremely careful to speak only constructively about other individuals during the apology (if you can’t say something nice…).
For example: “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”
How are those insulting? Saying that I should have been more clear means I am the one who messed up by not communicating properly. Something like “sorry that you misunderstood” would be insulting since it places the blame on the recipient’s intelligence.
They’re not inherently insulting - there are ways to use those phrases appropriately, but they can be (and often are) used sarcastically, when the speaker had been clear in the first place.
I’m sorry for not being more clear about how the dishes should be done.
The main issue is that it partially reassigns blame onto the recipient of the apology. As if you’re saying “I could have done better, but if you were someone else it might not have been an issue in the first place”.
Keep in mind that most apologies are being given unto hurt people and hurt people are less likely to give you the benefit of the doubt. That’s why rule #1 is to keep it simple and spare the details.
EDIT: A good example of this in context: “I’m sorry for this mixup. It should’ve been written better.”
Making the object of the sentence explicit (“this mixup”) removes the implied presence of the recipient (“I’m sorry for not being more clear (with you)”).
I find myself saying this one a lot. When I feel like I’m putting in effort and the other person won’t meet me in the middle something like this always seems to slip out, but I hate how passive aggressive it is.
Reframing it so ‘the problem’ is the problem rather than the person is a good idea. Helps with communication, and if it can be internalized, it seems like a better way to think about the conflict too.
An excellent observation! Isn’t it funny how the hardest apologies are the ones where you don’t feel like you’ve done anything wrong? Indeed, more often than not, it’s easier to choke down a slice of humble pie before trying to come clean. Then again… sometimes the only available option is to cook up a disingenuous apology and lie that sucker out through your teeth – both costs are valid forms of payment in the world of apologies. Whichever currency you spend, the most important part is not wasting it!
I think what I’ve learned from most of your examples is that people just don’t like apologies.
People like the benefits of apologizing but don’t want to pay the ego tax. It’s one of the singlemost powerful social rituals we have as a species but you wouldn’t know it based on how tightfisted so many apologies get.
Sure, but I think you misinterpreted my comment. Most of these examples feel completely irrelevant to whether an apology is good or not, and are perfectly fine in the majority of apologies which are not given in a shithead way.
That’s cool. At the end of the day I’m just generalizing my own lived experience and to tell you the truth I am not a particularly wise person. Normally I wouldn’t lecture on about this sort of thing at all – it just so happened to be topical today.