I’ve been admittedly struggling with my identity as a whole, especially as I approach my 1 year mark on Estrogen. So far it’s the right call for me, but I’ve discovered that I’m becoming more comfortable with my masculine traits and even find myself binding my breasts that I’ve waited so many years to have, while the next day I’ll do the complete opposite and present femininely.
I feel like I have no consistent sense of self and often have a hard time even knowing what’s going on in my head haha
Constantly trying to figure out if I’m a boy, girl, both, or neither, because I admittedly struggle with my body in various fronts. One day I’m too feminine, the next I look too much like a man, or I’m not androgynous enough.
Frankly, it’s exhausting. I used to think I was just a woman but it doesn’t seem to fit as I continue hrt.
It feels odd to express all of this but, I’ve not really talked to many trans people as I’m chronically shy. Is there anyone who can relate to what I’m going through?
So full disclosure: I am not trans but I have a legitimate question. Why is there so much pressure on trans people to put themselves into one box or another? Isn’t the recognition of gender fluidity supposed to free people from sex-based boxes and social norms? This is not me saying at all that people shouldn’t be able to express themselves as they want or shouldn’t be able to identify in whatever way makes them most comfortable, but I find it hard to reconcile these two sides to what I see as the same coin. Maybe you could provide some perspective to me? I wish you the best and hope you get some good answers from people much more knowledgeable than me!
Gender role abolition is a critical part of transfeminist activism, and acceptance of people who defy gender expectations is necessary in order for trans liberation. But the responsibility for gender role abolition does not fall onto trans people. I am expected like every other woman to adhere to certain gender expectations in society. I’m only responding to the same social pressures every other woman is. Just because I’m a trans woman doesn’t mean I’m going to be at the forefront of defying gender expectations. It would be aggressive to say to a cisgender woman “you’re reinforcing gender roles by liking pink and wearing makeup”, its just tolerated against trans women because our womanhood is not considered as valid as cisgender women’s.
Being trans means everything about me is under a microscope. My body, my personality, how I talk, how I move, how I dress, how often I pass, and so on. And any of those variables can be used to dismiss me either way. Your voice can be too soft or too abrasive, either way your womanhood is invalid. You can dress too in-line with female gender roles, or you can dress too non-conforming. And either way you’re wrong and not a real woman. Those same things are used to dismiss the womanhood of cisgender women too, it’s just rightfully called misogynistic when it happens to cis women. When it happens to trans women its rarely ever called out for the misogyny that it is.
Why is there so much pressure on trans people to put themselves into one box or another?
Many reasons, some or all of which play in to any individual trans person’s experience
- Trans people are punished more harshly for not adhering to gender norms than cis people are.
- There is a long legacy of denying trans folk access to transition and health care if they don’t fit in to a binary gender. So a non binary trans person often knows that they’re not cis, and consciously or unconsciously tries to force themself to be binary, because that’s the only path available to them.
- Gender performance, gender identity and dysphoria overlap and interplay with each other. Whilst they are all distinct, when you’re trying to tease apart your own experiences with them, it’s often hard to tell where one ends and the other begins, which in turn creates confusion and pressure. For example, you talk about gender fluidity freeing us from sex based boxes and norms. I’m a trans woman, but I’m not gender fluid. My experience of gender has been consistent my whole life, even before I understood it. I have zero desire to be constrained by sex based norms, and I have little time for gendered restrictions on expression, but that doesn’t mean my gender is fluid. Yet it’s hard to distinguish those concepts sometimes…
Hi there, I’m a non-binary trans person, might be able to shed some insight here.
So, trans is a spectrum. You can be mtf, or ftm, or somewhere in between. Mtf and ftm are “binary” trans identities, because they fit into the typical gender binary. Trans women are women, trans men are men.
But there exists a whole spectrum in between there, which is where I live, which contains many different gender identities. These include genderfluid, demiboy, demigirl, agender, bigender, genderqueer, and many others. The shared characteristic is that they are not part of the binary male or female. You may also hear the umbrella term, enby (phonetically derived from NB, for Non-Binary).
These are still trans identities, because they are not cis. Cis means you identify with your assigned gender at birth (AGAB), trans means you don’t.
What is right for any given person is really up to them to know what feels right. As for why we need labels in the first place, it’s because it gives us a sense of belonging. It helps us feel seen. Like we’re not going through this alone. Not everyone will identify with labels, and that’s fine, but I’ve found that for the majority of trans people, having the labels helps them come to terms with who they really are.
When I was first figuring out that I wasn’t cis, it was very confusing. There’s a lot of information out there and it can be overwhelming. But seeing all the different labels helped me to learn how to talk about my experiences, and which genders I identified with more than others, and overall just made me feel like this was just something to figure out and think on, rather than it being something wrong with me. I knew I’d figure it out eventually, it was just a process of trial and error.
I can now proudly say I am bigenderfluid, which is a gender that I think I may have invented. But to me, it means that while my “ratio” of femme to masc presentation varies day to day, I always feel like a little bit of both. So, there’s always two, thus bigender, but it’s not firm, thus genderfluid.
Hope this helps! And I’m always happy to answer (good faith) questions, so feel free to ask any follow ups you may have.
I’m not the best at answering these kinds of questions but I’ll try to give my perspective
I sometimes feel pressured into choosing who I am and using labels, when inherently I know labels will never perfectly describe the complexities of being human. But because everything in the Western world seems to demand conformity into such restrictive labels, I honestly just am left feeling like I’m not truly being myself.
(An example is on paperwork for many things still demanding binary gender markers when my ID labels me as non-binary)
Maybe I am gender fluid, but I think I’m scared to admit to it because it’s such a change from my previous Perception of self before hormones?
Summed up, I feel there’s pressure to pick a box and stay in a box, but I really don’t feel like any box really fits me
Transfem (but not really (but kinda)) here, part of the problem is I don’t really “know” outside the binary, if that makes sense. All my life I’ve only really known the very binary standards and have been expected to uphold them. Since I’m AMAB I try to lean to a more feminine side since it is destroying the main binary I know, but I know fitting into the fem binary isn’t it for me either.
Tldr the binary is all I’ve known but I know I’m not but I don’t know how to not be binary.
You may want to look into genderfluid as what you’re describing reminds me of that.
I’ve considered it admittedly, I think I’m just worried about push back from others I know.
Add in a little bit of denial and imposter syndrome as well and that’s me rn
As long as you are upfront about your feelings and patient with those around you, i don’t think you have anything to worry about.
Those who care about you should understand. Its tough not knowing who you might be or what makes you comfortable.
I haven’t gone through what you’re going through but ive known people going through transitions and as long as youre being nice about it and being patient, im sure those you know will care about you all the same.
Most importantly you just gotta find what makes you comfy. Whatever that is.
i began having similar thoughts/feelings once i began feeling more comfortable with my body due to HRT. like others have said here, you shouldn’t feel pressured to place yourself in one box or another and you should instead use this time to really explore everything you can about gender. just see where you land and follow your feelings.
it may even come to pass that, like me, you find that you can’t identify as only one thing. over the last three years i’ve gone from coming out as non-binary tranfem, to identifying fully as a woman, to now having an understanding that i’m polygenderflux and i feel varying degrees of certain genders. and guess what, some of those genders i made up, they’re mine; because gender isn’t real (?) 🤷♀️ you can kind of just… be you.
I can’t say this is something I have experienced. I got gender euphoria from the start right up to today.
But maybe you are gender fluid? If that fits then it fits. It’s OK to be a man on Tues and a woman on Friday.
There is no wrong way to be you. There is only you. The words are only important if they are useful. When words fail, you are still here, and you are more important than the words will ever be.
It’s OK to tell a story to simplify it down to strangers. (Like: I’m a trans woman) You don’t need to have the whole experience of your transition down to an elevator speech.
I say this to give some guidance on how you could move through the world. Strangers get the simple lie. Friends and family get the more nuanced truth.
As someone who recently figured out they’re genderfluid, I think that’s what’s up. I’m AMAB and never went on HRT, but I’ve had the similar thoughts as OP. Some days wanting to be fem, others masculine, or somewhere in between.
This is totally relatable. I see gender as a whole as pretty nebulous. For myself, it is anything but easy to understand, and terrifyingly difficult to explain to others. What I hear from you sounds gender-fluid, it may or may not be a label that resonates with you.
It can also be beneficial to see your gender expression as independent from your gender identity. You might still be a woman, but express masc if that’s just the vibe for that day. There shouldn’t be rules. Trans people have suffered enough from gender expectations and pressure. Becoming trans doesn’t remove them, it only shifts them to a new goalpost.
Personally I love titling myself as Non-binary. It’s an umbrella term, independently it isn’t very descriptive. I don’t resonate with gender-fluid, demi-girl, bigender, etc… I sort of see myself as Non-binary as a n act of protest against gender. It’s a social construct as far as I’m concerned, and putting more thought into it feels like a disservice to myself. I spent enough years searching desperately for a label that hasn’t been created yet. It is exhausting, It is constrictive, I don’t want to do that to myself. I wanna do whatever it is I want. My body, my choice, my life, and it damn better be my right too.
Hopefully you figure it out. I technically never did, but what I have found is a path to make myself a lot happier. I hope you can find the same at the very least. Sending you virtual hugs 🤗
