I’ve noticed I have a problem with not noticing people’s bad intentions until I’m well into an interaction or relationship, and not having good ways to respond when I do notice. Some of this may be brain, but I think much of it is habitual from things I was taught in my upbringing that don’t work well in the world.
Has anyone successfully figured this one out? I’ve done a ton of work on myself and gotten a lot wiser, but I still keep falling into the same trap of giving my good faith time and words to people who are semiblatantly trying to take advantage of me, are asking questions in bad faith, or are just generally being kinda mean or creepy to me. Once I do notice, it’s usually gotten to a point where it’s a little costlier to exit the situation than I think it would be if I had noticed right away. It still happens even when I feel cynical or don’t like/trust someone.
Any way to avoid this in the future? I guess I feel like I need a good reason to think “fuck this person.” It’s hard for me to react to it in the moment when it’s not clear to me a)what they’re doing and b)how to effectively shut it down or extricate myself.
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Boundaries.
Why do predators seem to always find the person who will let them sink their teeth in? They’re not seeking intelligently. What they’re doing is pushing boundaries with everyone. People with healthy boundaries are pushed away, people lacking boundaries let the predators in. The reason the predator got to you was that you either set no boundaries with them or you folded on a boundary you did give showing them how they can further take advantage of you. I was raised in such a way as to tolerate abuse and neglect so my boundaries let the predators right in historically.
“Predator” might seem like a strong word for emotional vampires, closet narcissists, and dependent personalities, but what they are doing is victim seeking. They can’t be another way until they identify their own behavior and choose to be another way. Let them push you away when they push your boundaries.
I personally always had a tough time with spotting bad intentions, and I started to always tell people
“let me think about it and get back to you”
That lets me get the distance and time to really assess the ask: does it help me, does it hurt me, does it hurt someone else, what does the asker gain from it, why would they want that, etc.
Generally, if someone is pressuring me not to take time to give an answer, I take that as a red flag. And for me at least it was tough to learn to ask for that time, but it’s such a huge help in avoiding people with bad intentions.
This is sage advice.
There are some great suggestions here! It feels like a lot to focus on each of these things when you’re not practiced with these habits being suggested, but gaining proficiency in any of them will help to improve the others.
This link (PDF) is one of the Toastmasters resources on body language. Some of the tools presented there will help you to more effectively nope out of situations when you become uncomfortable, and hopefully empower you to feel more confident making those calls before it becomes too costly. I think it will also assist you in catching these occurrences earlier, since incongruities between what’s being spoken and what the other person’s body is saying can signify that there is a disconnect in intentions
Improve your empathy. It sounds hard, but when you focus on body language it gets a lot easier. People will give away what their goal is before they even spit a word. You can say “Hey” to them and that is most of the time all you need.
Thank you. I should add that I am referring to manipulative people specifically. I can tell someone is being an asshole if they’re not hiding it, but I do struggle when people pretend that they’re being friendly or neutral or while also being terrible under the surface, if that makes sense. In retrospect it was usually obvious to other people, but I don’t see the bad faith element beneath the friendly behavior it until it escalates.
You can learn about manipulation techniques so you can spot some sooner… but ultimately it’s up to you to make a decision, and chances are you’ll either over-react, or under-react. It’s very hard to not make any mistakes, or spot the ones who spend their whole life learning how to manipulate others.
Thanks. I definitely do tend to make a lot of mistakes judging this.
Then the best I can suggest is don’t let what anyone says get to you. You can only control what you do, and if someone tries to manipulate you, and you catch it too late, well that’s just a valuable lesson for the future
I feel like listening to your gut is a big component of this. There have been times when I notice that the way someone talks bothers me for a reason I can’t put my finger on and I decide to give them the benefit of the doubt, assuming I’m being shallow or unreasonable, but then a few months or even years later their behavior lines up with my initial discomfort and I realize I had spotted something being off from the start. Sometimes it’s better to listen to the general feeling you’re getting from the less verbal and analytical parts of yourself than to wait until you have a real explanation.
Of course, there may be people who are just anxious or a little eccentric and that’s what you’re spotting, but usually it’s worth at least sniffing it out from a distance rather than fully ignoring those feelings until you can articulate the reason for them.
i think this one starts with you
one half of the equation is to be comfortable and firm in your boundaries. if someone asks something of you that you’re not comfortable with, don’t do it. say you’re not comfortable. if they insist, or say it’s normal, decline again and leave the interaction
this is the bread and butter of navigating these encounters. if you’re not comfortable with this, try to practice with a mirror, a trusted friend, or a therapist
the other half of the equation is to get in touch with your own feelings and emotions. the best way we understand others is by understanding ourselves. take some time to practice mindfulness meditation and spend that time listening to and observing how you feel. as you practice more, this skill will come more naturally to you in day to day interactions. soon, you’ll be able to tell when people are being fake or manipulative by understanding how you feel in relation to it
you may think this won’t help you understand others, but humans are wired with very good mirror neurons which are very perceptive of how others are feeling. when you understand how something feels for you, you will understand how it feels for someone else, and you’ll be able to notice more subtle things like a missing emotion - for example, a lack of joy when feigning interest in something you’re interested in
both of these take some time and dedication to develop, but i think it will help you with your problem
an additional skill you will probably want to pick up is breathing practice. check out 4-7-8 breathing (the first number is the count for inhaling, the second is for holding, the third is for exhaling; so breathe for 4, hold for 7, exhale for 8; if this is too hard, you can try 4-4-4). this is to help keep you calm when asserting boundaries or remaining patient with your feelings during meditation
Thank you
I’m really not qualified in any way to state the below, just trying to draw from my personal experience and express what I think is useful and relevant in this situation.
English is not my first language
Honestly I think it is more useful and helpful to focus on the second part of the equation: exiting the situation.
Exiting situations is a tremendously useful life skill regardless of the other person(s) intentions while spotting people with bad intentions could become a burden as it might lead you down a path of mistrusting many more persons than you “need” to mistrust.
Learning to say “no” in different and effective ways is also a way to learn to say yes and will, in my experience, let you live a life closer to what you want.
I suspect that I’m still early on my path to communicate this effectively because I was not really listened to as a child, so my feelings and wishes where not seen as relevant to a situation.
As for how to do it: I don’t really have anything groundbreaking to give you. But as with most things I suspect it’s just practice: start saying no! And start acknowledging how you feel or felt even if it’s too late to do anything about it as that can teach yourself to look for clues (inside yourself) in the future (maybe).
Thanks. Any good effective ways to exit situations that you have found work for you? I find when I start to feel uncomfortable it’s harder for me decide what to do or say specifically.
I’m still quite bad at saying no and exiting situations, but I have become much better than before.
Some things I have done and try to remember to do:
- I practiced saying “no” to everything for a while. That was really uncomfortable!
- Declaring that I need time to think about something (as others have said here) can be effective. Like with scams/clickbait/up-selling/etc: if the other is trying to induce urgency they most likely don’t want you to think about it rationally.
- Segway:ing into outs with the standard phrase (and a slightly rises voice): “Oh, that reminds of…” and either change the subject completely or lying about needing to go and do something else.
- Calling people out on their bullshit but without showing any interest in talking further about it: “That is just not true”, “This isn’t something I want to talk about”, “If you keep talking about this I will leave” and then obviously leave if necessary.
Could you be a little bit more specific? Do you have an example or two of people/situations you struggled to navigate? Bad intentions can mean a lot of things and understanding how you respond and how you wish you were responding could both be really helpful to figuring out where the process is breaking down and what skills might be most useful.
I am thinking of things like comments that were cruel, competitiveness, contempt, or people who are asking questions and acting interested but who are really trying to bait me into conflict or have an ulterior motive. I am better at it than I used to be but it’s hard for me to respond to it when it does happen.
Sometimes I interpret people too charitably or I just don’t realize until the next day how I felt or what they really meant. Other times I notice but I don’t know how to translate my internal misgivings into words that change or end the situation. Being angry or direct often backfires. Usually these are people who are acting as if we are friends but in a disrespectful way. It just really catches me off guard still, for some reason.
Boundaries have helped a lot, but my sense of self trust wavers a lot for ptsd reasons and this is probably what assholes are zeroing in on. I just keep running into it perenially. The body language thing is something i need to work on.
Edited because typos.
I’ve personally found it’s best to just directly ask questions when people say things that are cruel, come from a place of contempt or otherwise trying to start conflict. “Are you saying x?” but in much clearer words is a great way to get people to reveal their true nature. There is no need to be charitable if you’ve asked them and they don’t back off or they agree with whatever terrible sentiment you just asked whether they held. Generally speaking people who aren’t malicious will not only back off on what they’re saying but they’ll put in extra work to clear up any confusion - if someone doesn’t bother to clear up any confusion around some perceived hate or negativity, it can be a more subtle signal they aren’t acting in good faith.
If they do back off but only as a means to try and bait you (such as refusing to elaborate or by distracting), they’ll invariably continue to push boundaries or make other masked statements. If you stick to that same strategy and you need to ask for clarification three times and they keep pushing in the same direction, I’d say it’s safe to move on at that point.
As an aside - It’s usually much more effective to feel sad for them than it is to be angry or direct. But honestly, it’s better to simply not engage. Most of these folks are hurting in some way, and they’re looking to offload the emotional labor to others, or to quickly feel good about themselves by putting others down. Engaging just reinforces the behavior and frankly just wastes your time, because it’s not about the subject they’re talking about… it’s about managing their emotions.
Thanks. This is helpful
