Various reasons over the years:
- Don’t want to risk making the workplace unpleasant (twice)
- Wrong race that would upset my parents (twice)
- Lives too far away (twice)
- Age gap (once)
- Me being exposed to porn at a very young age (first time I was 3 or 4, and I grew up with unsupervised internet access) gave me a completely broken sexuality and I don’t want to bring other people into this mess
- Feeling inadequate, ugly or uninteresting (I used to be very fat so you can imagine how I grew up)
- Feeling that my interest in the other person is not genuine and that I only see her as a sexual object
In the end, I’m 32 and single, my friends are getting married and starting their own families and I have this dreadful feeling that I missed out on something important in life, I drown this feeling in work, video games and all sorts of projects, but when I’m alone and I can’t think of anything to do and I start thinking about the future, I want to kill myself.
It’s never too late, man. Get therapied up, and you got a whole life ahead of you. My grandmother didn’t remarry until 76, and she’s been married 16 years already.
Wrong race that would upset my parents
Your parents aren’t going to date your partner, so their opinions on her race mean absolutely nothing. It’s like going to a restaurant with a friend and they tell you you can’t order salmon because they don’t like it. It’s not their food, so what they say doesn’t matter since they’re not eating it.
Feeling that my interest in the other person is not genuine and that I only see her as a sexual object
This felt a little too real to read. I know that feeling, and it’s not nice. I got no advice here, just letting you know you’re not alone in feeling it.
I have this dreadful feeling that I missed out on something important in life
The best part about life is that you get to define what’s important to you. Some people may find meaning in having a family, but it’s not the only objective way of finding meaning/purpose. You could find joy in creating things, exploring the world, even just working. There’s no secret formula or shortcut to finding it, and there’s definitely no hard rules about what it can be. I hope this helps you feel better.
Your parents aren’t going to date your partner, so their opinions on her race mean absolutely nothing
Thank you. I am Filipino and have experienced racism my entire life living in the US and growing up in the south. I wasn’t sure what to say but when I see comments like not dating someone of a specific race - obviously its enraging.
You’re completely right. Her race does not matter and parents get no say in who you date as an adult.
I’d so sorry to hear that. Stay strong brother, my thoughts are with you!
Please don’t. Seek help. You’re not alone.
My 90-yo stepfather skyped me recently to introduce me to his new girlfriend. She’s 69, younger than me! It’s never too late. And you are really young, lol.
I’m 37 and am just now starting to have some of the best sex of my life. Still single, but feeling more and more confident in myself and seeing major changes in how I approach my own sexuality, what a relationship is, and what I would want out of one.
Therapy was paramount.
There is no shame in getting help for yourself. Get the help you need and take time doing it. Confidence adds to sexiness.
Me too bro.
We were both married and I was genuinely worried she might feel the same way.
Why ruin four people’s live on an indulgence?
to quote Niles on Frasier “Why should two people be happy? When four people could be ECSTATIC”
Crippling self doubt, what else?
She trusted me as a friend and really loved the asshole. I knew him a lot longer than she did and really couldn’t stand the guy, and I don’t think he liked me either, but she didn’t know that. I was dating someone else too, but my gf didn’t compare to her.
Funny thing is she’d tell me about their arguments and disputes and 90% of the time, she was in the wrong and I’d tell her that. I couldn’t believe I was defending him but I was honest and she appreciated my sharing a dude’s perspective. He followed her to college, and I don’t think he’d have even went if not for her, and they got married after. Still married now 30+ years later. I can only believe he grew into a much better man than he seemed to be as a kid, and I’m glad I didn’t interfere with their relationship. I eventually found my soul-mate and best friend so wouldn’t change a thing, but I can’t help but wonder how things might have played out in some alternate universe.
If it helps, I saw you arguing with her in that universe because of how you made the morning coffee too strong again after married for 7 years. The feelings between you guys were genuine and passionate but for many times you called me up late at night for a quick beer, complaining how things would have been different.
I’m glad to see you in a better place in this universe. Cherish what you have now, bro.
Lol… no worries. I have no doubt I’m with the woman I was made for. 14 years of marriage and we’ve never even had a harsh word between us and we love each other’s company. It’s a rare match and both of us, having been in bad marriages the first time around, know just how fortunate we are to have found each other. As I said, I wouldn’t go back in time and change a thing.
Besides, my wife and I both know there’s no such thing as coffee that’s too strong. It’d be a fight every morning! 🙂
She was a 10, I’m a solid 4 when I get all done up.
I thought you were talking about age…
Damn. No. We were in our early 20s.
I did too at first! Just like oh fuck where is this sentence going…
If she’s not done up would she be a 6-7? You need to catch her then!
Seriously though she’s a 10 in your eyes because she’s I assume pretty plus you like who she is as a person. Maybe you haven’t accounted for how she sees you as a person. I guess what I’m saying is we all assume pretty people won’t be into us because we’re not attractive. But by doing so you’re judging things by looks too. If you truly like the person take a shot and get to know her and show her who you are.
Honestly finding love is a grind. Not by pure chance. I tried and failed so much before I met my wife and I owe it to those failures. It made me a better partner but also a way better first few dates.
She was literally the girl who people stopped and got her to pose for professional pictures on the beach and I’m the guy they’d forget was there. But we got along great.
If you get along great who cares?
I saw a 10/10 girl on the bus the other day and she was with a guy who looked like Asian Ron Jeremy. (and that guy was just average guy on the bus, I doubt he has fame or the dick to compensate like Ron Jeremy use to)
4 isn’t bad. 5 is the average, 4 is just slightly below, so still fair.
Agreed! I’m not ashamed of my looks, when I put a suit on for work my wife compliments me almost every time and I feel so pretty.
Not only that but people tend to rate themselves slightly lower than what they really are
Cause I was the gender they weren’t into (repeat x30).
Where are all the bi folk when you need 'em
Sup
name checks out.
That’s so sweet, you named yourself after me!
♥️
So, uhhhh…
You forklift certified?
I am actually lol.
Oh my God, get over here, you sexy hunk of whatever gender you are
SPLOOSH
While that’s ideal, yes, I’d settle for more lesbians. 😄
Two people with the same sexuality and preferences just understand each other the best, don’t they
Lesbians only want to do the fun parts of sex. All killer no fill’er.
(My sincere apologies for that last sentence, it’s both inaccurate and tasteless, but I couldn’t help myself)
Tasteless would be if I responded with the culinary properties of my gender fluid
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Why is it Sadly/fortunately? Did you mean unfortunately?
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Adam and eve had 3 sons…
…and a daughter.
Yuck.
There’s this girl I’ve known for almost 10 years and we always-maybe-kinda liked each other, but we have this “non verbal agreement” of not bothering one another because in reality we both know we would tear each other apart in the end.
There are some character traits that are funny as long as you are friends but would be destructive as partners.I never had to confess, she knew. And I knew she liked me back. But she could never bring herself to go for it, over fear of ruining the friendship. But her refusal to go for it made it so that over time the friendship was ruined anyways from me feeling jerked around/used.
It was never the right time, also haven’t thought of her in years.
- We met in chem lab and it was a fucking amazing time every week her smile made every week so worth it.
- That lasted the year and I finally felt the courage to ask her but summer was starting
- She came back with a boyfriend.
- Her classes started being very different and she did more sorority activities so it was hard to hang out ever.
- She breaks up with that boyfriend but it’s already senior year and she was going to grad school in Texas and I was going elsewhere.
- We give each other big hugs and say goodbye on the last day cementing it as a forever “what if I had more courage?”
She was the only what if for me tbh, I haven’t thought of her in years as said. Hope she’s doing well, but it’s important to always move on from this stuff lol. Don’t hang onto it, if it was going to work it would have
I’ve tried 4 times, 1 was a complete rejection that nearly ruined a friendship, the second was a weird soft-rejection that led to a friends relationship that felt a lot like I was taking advantage of this person. That ended when they moved away.
The other two led to relationships, one lasted a month and ended with me getting dumped. Second is my current girlfriend.
All of these happened within a year, starting when I was 22. Before that first rejection I had never made a move on anyone because I had 0 self confidence and could only see women as sexual objects. The girl who first rejected me was the first one that I liked for genuine reasons, which allowed me to change the way I looked at women. I now have a lot of female friends and hardly ever think about women I see in a sexual way, when 2 years ago I couldn’t see a woman without thinking that way. I owe a lot to the girl who rejected me, and we are now friends again, for which I am grateful.
The girl who first rejected me was the first one that I liked for genuine reasons, which allowed me to change the way I looked at women
Was there anything she did specifically that made you look at women as a whole differently?
She talked to me without me having to strike up the conversation, that was a huge part of it. She was really easy to talk to, and friendly to everyone. She was passionate about the same things as me, and got me out doing things that were beyond my comfort zone. Basically, she was a human being who treated me like an equal human being. There was no disgust at my presence, or laughing at my awkwardness. Those had been the things I was afraid of prior to that.
Thanks. This is super insightful for me as a woman.
Because there are so many easier, safer, less awkward ways to check if someone likes me back or not. And if it turns out they do, I don’t need to confess anything, I just set up dates, or do nice things for them and see where that takes us.
Do you mean you just ask people out? like no fear and you’re just always sure?
What? I’m never sure about anything these days. I just feel “I’ve always wanted to try this restaurant, would you be interested” is better than “I have to confess something … I’m totally attracted to you” That being said I’m in a committed relationship right now and it started with just spending time together naturally.
Because there are so many easier, safer, less awkward ways to check if someone likes me back or not
Oh you said this. So I thought maybe you just knew when someone liked you. Like a tell during a poker game.
I’m just in a situation where social norms where I live dictate that I shouldn’t ask someone out so I was hoping for insight on how to tell if someone is actually interested or not. Without straight up asking.
I may not have a lot of experience but there are definitely signs for both sexes. Notice how your behaviours have changed toward someone after you were into them, then sex swap to think similarly. Generally the interested party wants more interaction with the counterparty but there must be more.
Where I live, most people go by gender, not sex.
The person I’m into is very androgynous so there isn’t like, a tell tale sign. I don’t think they really do anything that’s either male or female.
I was a mess and even though we were both hot to trot I did not want to enter into a relationship before getting my shit together.
It’s been a few decades now but I’m sure that one day I will… not sure my wife will understand though 😂
going through this rn, but congrats on finding some peace with it
In my case, and in retrospect, it was in large part caused by undiagnosed ADHD and autism.
From a single sentence I wouldn’t be able to say one way or the other whether it’s something that affects you, but it was immensely helpful to look at a series of videos about “Adult ADHD” on YouTube. It became clear that a major portion of my issues could be attributed to my lack of knowledge about myself and these issues.
I wanted kids of my own and she didn’t. It never would have worked.
I decided not to confess to a coworker because I had learned that lesson the hard way at a previous job. I figured it would be better to not mix work and dating. Unfortunately as time went on I grew infatuated with this coworker and it took a combination of meditation, medication, and real intense personal work to realize that my infatuation was really just my mind’s way of trying to distract me from my own anxiety and depression. So I focused on that and ended up getting a better job and meeting someone who was such a significantly better match for me.
