Love to completely avoid a simple but critical task for weeks only to be reminded that I really need to have it done by now and now I have to make shit up and pretend I’m dumb or lost my notes or my dog ate my laptop, because saying “my brain didn’t give a fuck about this particular task for the last month because there was no real deadline and now I’m filled to the brim with anxiety and I want to hide in my bed for three days because now there is one and it was today” is a valid thing in therapy but some how not at work.
Anyway, ADHD sucks and I get knocked down but i get up again and so on.
I do have a mostly competent manager. I will apologize and say something to the likes you said. I will take my meds, breathe and find words and actions that will make this situation acceptable. I appreciate your words in any case.
But the dread of failure and rejection is so deep seated, it physically hurts. I stare at my problem and I know it’s transient, it’s solvable and it will be okay… And yet my body and soul react to it with a violence that is usually reserved for hearing about events in Gaza or a loved one dying. I have failed a thousend times on similar things and all my brain learned is shame and hiding. I am better now, but it’s still like a baseball bat to the gut. It’s full on fight or flight, and my body is going 100% flight and leaves the fighting for another day.