Got up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. On the way back to bed I accidentally tripped on a piece of furniture I didn’t see. When I turned on the light my pinky toe was bent in a right angle. Had to have it reset and taped up but since it was my right foot I couldn’t drive for several weeks. Every day I just thought how stupid and avoidable this whole mess was.

I missed the last step going down the stairs in my own home, landed flat with all my weight on one foot, and managed to break the heel bone right where all the bones come together in the middle of my foot.

What must’ve been a broken blood vessel or something that caused pain and swelling near the vagina…how, you say? Sitting cross-legged on my own bony heel and sometimes to fast and too hard so that the heel bone damaged something. It hurt so sit down for a week. It healed completely within 3 weeks, but, boy, was I scared to have to go to the doctor to have it looked at or worked on.

I cracked my ribs mountain biking. Two months later, I got food poisoning and re-cracked them, whilst throwing up.

I was 17, doing a night shift job during summer vacation. Perfectly legal, limited to only certain amount of hours per week/month/year.

On this particular hot summer day, before one of my shifts, I did not sleep much, three hours maybe, because I’ve decided to play Quake all day at home. I woke up late and got to work at like 22:00 instead of 20:30. It was a polyfoam mat processing factory and for being late, I thought I’d be sent to the recycling furnace: a position where you and another kid have to line up a load of discarded polyfoam scraps that a machine then pulls in on a conveyor belt, flattens and bakes it into insulation mats for construction. Super boring, with spurts of 10 minutes of loading and then half an hour of dozing off on a foldable plastic chair. A load alarm would wake us up at the end of the baking cycle.

But my boss had other plans for me. He told me to grab an exacto knife and head out to the back of the building with him. We walked along the designated pathway demarcated by fluorescent white stripes on both sides past all the machines and stations on the factory floor. Then out the loading bay door past one particular machine that seemed to end in a sort of funnel outdoors. My boss pointed at a tall staple of plastic sack: “These are plastic pellet sacks. You have to pick them up one by one, place the sack over the funnel. Then you open up the sack with your knife and empty it’s contents into the funnel. The machine will do the rest. Keep filling the funnel with new sacks if it empties.”

Easy enough I thought. Boss left again on his long walk back towards the offices on the other end of the factory hall. I’ve felt particularly sleepy and tired on this pleasantly warm summer night , but I’ve picked up a bag with my left arm and held it pressed to my body. However when I’ve tried cutting it with my right hand, I just couldn’t get the ~8kg slippery plastic sack high enough with that arm and was scared I’d spill the pellets on the ground. So in my infinite wisdom I’ve swapped the bag under my right arm and the knife into my left hand. Much better. I’ve made a wide cut on the bag with the exacto, funneling in the pellets into the machine as it was slowly gobbling it all up to extrude it into whatever material would later become the polyfoam base.

But then I’ve felt it. A sharp pain from my right hand. My middle finger in particular. I’ve carefully slid the half-consumed sack on the ground and started to investigate. The tip of my finger was hanging on a sliver of skin, and wherever I was waving it, I was doing picasso-like splatter but in blood. Nothing too extreme, but definitely bleeding a lot. Reminded me of Inspector Gadget’s gadget finger, open up the tip to reveal a screw driver or some telescopic listening device. I became woozy. An earlier childhood memory came back, where I have busted my palm open on a sharp rock and my knees felt like jelly. This was a similar feeling. I knew I’d need help soon. So I went inside the factory hall through the loading bay and started walking back towards the offices, while doing my best to squeeze my finger with my left hand. What felt like a minute of walking past various machinery, I got to a group of people, which included my boss handing out instructions to other latecomers in front of the supervisor’s office. He looked up at me and before he could ask why I’m not at my assigned station, I held my bloody hand up and tried to say “I don’t feel well.”

Next thing I know is that I had a killer headache in the back of my head. The floor is pleasantly cold but my head is resting on the lap and palms of a slightly chubby and angelic sounding girl. They are telling me I’ve passed out and hit my head hard while splattering blood around with my finger. They put a rag-tourniquet around my arm and wrapped my finger in another rag. Someone was stating they are getting their car. The angel helps me up and walks me outside in the fresh air during this warm summer night. The asphalt in the parking lot is still radiating a lot of heat. They drive me to the ER in a small hatch back, all while having a jolly chit chat and trying to keep me from passing out again. I tell them that I get motion sickness if I’m not sitting in the front, but the angel insists I have to sit with her in the back. Her voice is very soothing. I almost fall asleep.

We get to the ER and they get me into a wheelchair and push me in. My angel passes me off to the nurses but says she and the driver will stay around while they wheel me into a room. The nurses buzz around me, three of them performing minor tasks in tandem. They don’t look too concerned. They rather have the aura of quiet but slightly bored dutiful professionals about them. They position my right arm on a sort of stand that they rolled up next to my chair and then take off the makeshift tourniquet and rag and start inspecting my finger. I look up at it briefly.

I come to again with some pain in my neck, this time with my head propped up by one of the nurses. One of them laughs while exclaiming that it looks like I can’t handle the sight of my own injuries. She might be absolutely right! They quickly proceedes to clean up the wound and glue my fingertip back.

I was taking apart a printer when I was a kid. I learned not to pry up the hard way.

Screwdriver right in the eye socket. Amazing I didn’t lose the eye.

I do circus entertainment like unicycle, stilts and rope walking but my worst injury actually happened when I turned too fast on stage to talk to a volunteer. Twisted my ankle and couldn’t walk right for two weeks.

I also do electronics as a hobby and found out early on that teeth are not wire strippers. Still paying for that mistake.

I cut my finger down to the bone while working with a jewelers saw. Didn’t even realize I hit flesh until my whole finger was being moved by the blade. Don’t particularly want to think about how far I may have gotten into the bone…

When I was like 7 my aunt got a new home made quilt for christmas and was proudly holding it up for everyone to see. All I could think was how fun it would be to run into that nice soft quilt. So I tried, and like the dumbest cartoon character my head bounced off it after smacking into the metal table right behind it.

At least there was no permanent damage, or so my imaginary therapist tells me.

I slept wrong and couldn’t straighten my neck for a week.

I was on the roof of a 4 story building and was trying to show off to others. The building next to the one I was on was 3 stories and there was an alley between the buildings. The alley was wide enough for cars to get through and a line of trees next to the driving part, about 20 feet total from building to building. I wasn’t going to try jumping the entire alley, my plan was to jump to a tree, grab one of the branches and ‘ride’ it to the roof of the other building. I executed the manuever almost perfectly. It went exactly as I had imagined but with one exception: I was also smoking a cigarette. The lit part of the cigarette was knocked off the end and the burning coals managed to slip around my glasses and got stuck directly in the middle of my eyeball. It burned my cornea, thankfully not too seriously. I was blind in that eye for about a month while it healed.

I honestly don’t know how I am not blind in that eye. It’s my good eye too. I’ve had 2 other situations that led to being blinded in the same eye, that was the second incident. Both of the other two incidents are also dumb.

The first was from me forgetting to take out my contacts, during the brief time I wore them. They were one pair a week contacts, which I wore for a month and a half. The eye got infected and prevented me from wearing contacts again due to corneal scarring. It also prevented me from seeing much of anything at my first concert. I was 14 and the headliner was Blink 182. I was told that they had ladies take their shirts off on the stage, something 14 year old me would have been very interested in seeing. I saw nothing though, one eye was covered with a medical patch, the other was contactless, I had no glasses at the time and my vision in the eye that worked is 20/180.

The last and most recent dumb injury was not really my fault, at least I don’t think it was but that’s debatable. I was working in an aluminum extrusion factory. They made parts for the frames of windows and doors. After the parts are extruded and cut, some of the edges are razor sharp. A coworker of mine had to take a tool and deburr these sharp edges, so that workers handling the material don’t cut themselves by accident (or on purpose I suppose). The process leads to piles of razor sharp slivers of aluminum all over the place. I was chatting with a coworker after my shift was done, waiting for her to finish cleaning up her work area. I had removed my work glasses and was wearing my normal glasses. Big OSHA no-no. My normal glasses did not have the requisite side shields. The coworker used compressed air to clean up the area by blasting the pieces off the extrusions and onto the floor to be swept up. She playfully blasted some in my direction while we were talking. A sliver of aluminum was blasted into my eye and got lodged there. I had to have minor surgery and was blinded in that eye for 2 months. Since I was clocked out at the time, I was not covered by workmans comp. I probably could have gotten it covered but at that time I regularly smoked weed, so I would have failed the mandatory workmans comp drug screen and lost my job. I chose to keep my job and paid for the removal, approximately $9,000 in 2005 money.

Thanks for reading! Since this was pretty long, you get a bonus for reading: A dumb joke! In 2015 I had a job interview. I had seen a joke online and everything needed for the joke played out. The interviewers asked me where I saw myself in 5 years. I responded that I did not know because I did not have 2020 vision. I did not get the job. Still worth it.

I’ve dislocated my shoulder fourteen times, mostly in an innovative way each time.

Once, a friend invited me to play catch with a group. I came along for the socialization, but warned that if I threw anything that I would dislocate my shoulder and have to go to the hospital. He scoffed and said it wouldn’t happen. Somehow he convinced me it wouldn’t, so I threw the ball once, then immediately had to go to the hospital, as I had dislocated my shoulder.

Another time, my dad had to take me to the hospital, as I had been laying in bed and attempted to turn over, dislocating my shoulder.

I was close to blackout drunk and passing out on the sofa. I accidentally spilled a beer on the floor and decided to leave it for the morning. I must have got up to go to the bathroom and slipped because I came to with a head-wound from the corner of my coffee table.

My place looked like a murder scene from me stumbling around and bumping into walls with blood on my hands trying to figure out what happened before I got my neighbors to call 911 for me. Head wounds bleed a LOT. Thirteen stitches. Luckily, it was on the top of my scalp and my hair covers the massive scar.

As a kid (+/- 7yo) I saw a huge ass nail hanging out from some broken piece of wood laying in the school yard and thought: “I’ll make a hole in my slipper”, so I hovered my foot over the nail, but that didn’t do it. “Oh I need to put pressure on it”.

In my head I thought I was making an arch with my foot so that I would only put weight on the front and back of the slipper and the nail wouldn’t hit me. Only in my head.

So I stepped on the nail, injuring myself. I then went to an adult. After patching my foot they asked me to go find the nail and throw it in the trash, before anyone else steps on it too.

The piece of wood was too big for me to handle, so I thought: “nobody is gonna be stupid enough to step on that” and left it there.

I gestured energetically to someone to throw the next fruit to me to fruit ninja it and cut my hand on the knife