I proposed to my wife by kidnapping her and putting her in a custom built underground cell for a week depriving her of natural light and only feeding her white rice and Gatorade. Every night I’d blast the theme song to Barney at full volume into the cell.

Finally I came down in a mask with a box and told her she had to see what was inside, and sure enough it was a ring.

She said no, and now im doing five years in prison