I asked out a friend of mine who I’ve been trying to ask out for a while now to grab coffee next week. They said yes but I don’t think they got the more than platonic intentions I had, they seem kind of oblivious to it (or are just hiding it well). I can’t flirt if my life depended on it, how can I convey my romantic intent without just… saying it outright?
idk if I’m giving enough context or detail here but feel free to ask if you need
All the (correct) advice in this thread:
I like the look in the last panel, like “that doesn’t sound right”
“We communists disdain to conceal our views and aims - this date carries romantic intent”
I’m sorry, but say it outright. It doesn’t need to be awkward, but you can send them a message saying “by the way, this is a romantic date, I’m really interested in you for xyz reasons. If that’s not something you’re comfortable with, I hope we can remain friends.”
Having the upfront honesty and faster response will cool your nerves (and theirs). Plus, they may be wondering the same thing! Is it romantic? Is it platonic? If they are also romantically interested, they might be pretty nervous!
Just my 2 cents. I was really nervous and unclear with my now-fiancé at first until I just made it clear, and fast forward a few years and we are getting married. Clearing up my intentions early made everything so much easier and less stressful.
i agree with your sentiment but personally i think you gotta have this conversation face to face, sending a message like that and then waiting for a response, and the person on the other end knowing that you’re waiting for their response, with no body language cues etc., sounds torturous to me. just my opinion tho
Depends on when OP next sees them IRL, at the date or otherwise. If it’s the date next, then getting it out first gives the other person a chance to decline or confirm, if it’s sprung up in-person that gives them 0 agency.
i feel like the vibes will be clearer IRL tho, is it flirty? is it strictly friendly? are small flirtatious comments or gestures engaged with or do they slip by? is there a lot of eye contact? are they primping their appearance, smoothing clothes, fixing hair? are eyes wandering or is there talk about each other’s bodies? is the prospect of hanging out longer/again enthusiastic or do they already have plans after? does the other person talk about someone else they are interested in or dating? and if that stuff turns out to be absent they can still just have a nice time together, tho it definitely does sting
i guess the op is saying she doesn’t feel confident in her game but i feel like all of the above is lost over text. that’s just how i operate tho, i’m too old for texting lol
not intending to argue with u at all btw just relishing in the tea and love hearing other people’s approach to courtship
Haha, I certainly would have agreed had the date not already been set. If OP can see them again beforehand, you’re correct, but springing it at the date is more awkward, plus they may want to get ready differently if they know it’s a romantic date.
Show up in a shirt that says:
This is a date, by the way. Sorry if that wasn’t clear until now. Marg bar Amerikkka.
So you should have made it clear when you asked, but since you didn’t here’s what I think.
I would have to know more context, but go on the coffee date as just friends. Don’t put pressure on the date to woo them and sweep them off their feet. Don’t go for the kiss since it’s not clear this is romantic. Just hang out like a normal person trying to have fun with their friend over coffee. If this person accepted as a platonic date then you tell them it was intended to be romantic, that could confuse them.
Then, near the end of the date after you’ve already had fun as friends, tell them how you feel. “Hey I really like spending time with you, would you want to go on a real date? Like dinner this weekend?”
This way it doesn’t make them feel like you’ve tricked them. You had your platonic coffee, now you tell them that you want something more intimate.
I think this is more elegant than texting “hey I meant this as a romantic date btw.” However, that’s still not a terrible option if it’s stressing you out.
idk, I think we’re close enough to where I can skip the pretend platonicism and state it almost outright at the start. “Hey, sorry I had to ask you out over text, but when i tried to do it at the [event] the other day it was way too awkward with your roommate staring right at us”, which is 100% true and also states that yes i was asking you out. idk, i’ll probably be more direct with it if that somehow doesn’t click for them but it feels weird and dishonest to wait until the end to drop the intention so I should probably do it up front
Then definitely do that. You know your friend better than me.
I have been blindsided by romantic intent at the end of of what I didn’t realise was a date, and it’s not fun for either party if the feelings aren’t returned. You’re gonna have to say it outright.
I think being as direct as you feel comfortable being is the best approach. I literally said “i would like to be in a monogamous relationship with you, does that sound good to you?” To the person who is now my wife so maybe I’m not the best for the job
maybe I’m not the best for the job
Or maybe you’re perfect, have you considered that?
I have, yes.
The direct and honest approach is best
I say go subtle with awkward eyebrow movements. I’m very good at sexy things.
Eyy guuurl, you lookin’… Doritos!
Since there’s already enough advice in this thread, I’ll just share a silly meme
What do you actually want to say to them? What do you want them to say to you?
What do you want to avoid saying to them. What do you fear them saying to you?
Is your friend someone who is able/likely to pick up on subtle signalling, or do they need direct communication?
Are you trying to find the right way to tell them how you feel? Or are you trying to find a way to understand how they feel about you first?
Is this a friendship you want to keep, or would you move on from it if it can’t be more than just friendship?
Keep on being normal platonic friends and doing normal platonic friends things until they get the hint(make sure you are as ambiguous as possible, want to make them very awkward and question everything. If you want to accelerate things, at the coffee meet up you should complain about not being able to find anyone, “I just want to meet someone like [descriptions of friend]” then move to a different country in embarrassment and 10 years later message them about going on a second date.
If you are insecure I guess you could instead say “I meant for coffee to be a date, sorry if I wasn’t clear, would you like to go on a date?” and skip all the blissful nights of keep yourself up wondering what they think of you.
A thought experiment (which isn’t perfect) is to ask yourself “how would I act if this was done to me”, would you be in some awkward limbo if a platonic friend invited you to coffee or would you even think nothing of it or would you jump to this is probably romantic I should make me knowing it is explicit off just being invited to coffee by an established friend and not “be oblivious”? What would it take for you to be like “this is romantic, here is my chance to respond (in interest or disinterest) and this is how I respond…”?
Kiss them on the mouth
This would work on me (after double checking with a friend)
Want to echo that the direct approach is good if done respectfully! Expressing this stuff directly can be easier said than done ofc, it can be really really nerve wracking, especially if you’re already prone to social anxiety.
“I hope it goes without saying that I’d love to continue being friends if this is one-sided or a bad idea for any reason, but…proceeds to express interest directly” worked well for me last time this came up in my own life. though it was admittedly preceded by a couple of no expectations hangouts and I kind of did wait for a moment where it “felt right.” best of luck!!
Just want to say so much solidarity and support I have for you as a fellow human being, such a relatable moment and still always such a big one. Already lots of great advise, so i’ll just piggy back on- What happened with my current partner and me(we were friends for 9-12 months at this point): one on one hang “Hey…I’m nervous to bring this up but its been on my mind recently…sometimes I think I have feelings for you that are beyond friendship. I don’t want to lose our friendship or make you uncomfortable and I still thought it was important that I bring that up with you.”
