I constantly get ads about horny milfs in my town but horny milfs are an invasive species where I live and we’re not allowed to have them as pets. I don’t even live in a town. I live in a grand duchy.

I have a running joke with a friend about “what Jeff wants to sell me today”.

(Jeff being Jeff Bezos, i.e. Amazon recommendations.)

Strange things Jeff has wanted to sell me recently:

• falconry equipment
• a gallon of molasses
• a quern-stone
• veterinary surgical adhesives

After playing a bit of Baldur’s Gate 3, I now imagine Jeff Bezos as a deep gnome merchant with an astonishingly random assortment of products …

So it isn’t a strange item, but the length of time I got targeted ads was absurd.

In 2018 I had to buy a new mattress. I Googled directions to the nearest mattress store and got a mattress. For the next 3 years every single video ad I got anywhere was for mattresses. Do y’all know how many people decided to just start making mattresses… I didn’t think the ads would end…

Around 2010 I was going through a traditional Irish music phase. I remember listening to Pandora while eating my lunch and after the song “Finnegans Wake” I got an advertisement for “Funerals starting at $900 in the {where I lived} area”.

I understand why it was suggested, most people listening to The Dubliners are probably 30-40 years older than me. It also made me laugh to imagine some sales guy going to a funeral home and pitching advertising as a way to drum up more business.

Oh my algorithm is FUCKED because I’m so insanely curious.

So first of all I’m always googling stuff from medical procedures to culture and liguistics. That’s part of how I found out that apparently black Americans will sometimes get a nose job to confirm better to western beauty standards.

Second of all, I will click on everything that I can’t identify, which often turn out to be kitchen implements or specialized hobby equipment. One time I clicked on some weird looking shoes, shortly followed by some bizarre looking amorphous plastic things which turned out to be special climbing shoes and screw-in footholds, respectively.

So anyway, that’s the story of how Google adsense thinks I’m an African American woman who hates her nose but is also extremely passionate about indoor climbing (none of this is even remotely true).

Few years ago I got an “ad” that was just some dudes really bad call of duty black ops 2 sniping montage.

I mean full on some of the most meh trickshots and quickscopes I think I’ve ever seen, against the built in AI opponents that you can enable in custom games, something like 5 or so years after the game was actually relevant to pop culture.

I never see any online ads.

YouTube gave me an ad for an organisation to deradicalize islamic terrorists.

The night before a terror bombing very close to my house, organised and readied in a house a few blocks from me that I walk past to get the bus.

Back in the day, my shaver broke so I looked online for a new one. Bought one, and afterwards I had ads for nothing but electric shavers. It was so friggin bizarre, like reading some random article and getting 6 ads for shavers. That’s when I finally started using adblock.

I should check my ad vault to see what ads Adnausem is blocking for me.

Helped my parents get treatment for $old_people_health_complications. I used my phone for contact. I had barely started using that number in particular.

Next week I received a call asking if I wanted to “reserve a place in the town cemetery in case of the unfortunate” (it wasn’t in the US, words might be different).

It wasn’t me, it was my parents, and the fuckers tried to manipulate potentially grieving people.

I was snowmobiling with my brother in an area with no cell service. We stopped for a break and I mentioned that the headlights kind of looked like Blinky the 3 eyed fish from the Simpsons. I have never said that out loud before or after, and I haven’t even watched the Simpsons in years. The next day I get an ad on Instagram for a sticker of Blinky the 3 eyed fish. Thats so specific it could not have been a coincidence. My phone must have heard me say that that one time, REMEMBERED it until I get back into an area with cell service, and then phoned home to tell whatever corpo that I might be interested in Blinky. Wild stuff.

I was bra shopping and clicked on one that was also a breast pump. Started getting ads for baby stuff for a couple months. I also listen to Spotify at work, there are currently a bunch of Hispanic construction workers working on the building. Since then about a third of my Spotify ads are in Spanish. I don’t speak Spanish.

youtube hit me with an ad for a company that makes those little outlet boxes that go in walls. so of course my ass watched the full video, liked it, left a comment, shared the url, the whole nine yards.

I block all possible ads so I haven’t been getting any random ones in ages, but my email provider has an ad for “Moorhuhn” on their page that always slips through the filter somehow so whenever I check my emails I’m asked to shoot virtual chickens.