Today, a particularly nice afternoon with some tea and a good book made me aware of one of the greatest things about transition for me: Allowing myself to be soft and permitting softness in my life.
Pre-transition I always felt this toxic need to be hard, to be a man, to be strong and never show emotion. I was trapped in the narrow role men are allowed in cishet-normative society. I felt like the world wanted me to be this boulder without feelings. I even went to the gym to “toughen up”, I never went out of my way to make my apartment more comfortable, I never sent heart emojis, I didn’t empathise with others nearly as much as I do now.
Now, a year and a half into medical transition and a good two years into social transition, I am so so soft. Physically as well was emotionally and spiritually. My hands are soft, uncallused. My nails are so pretty. My skin is soft. I adore soft fabrics, I’m currently wearing velvet pants that just spark joy. I love curling up in bed in soft blankets, with plushies. I love warmth. I love the feeling of my soft rug when I get out of bed. I allow myself to be soft, to cry when hurt, to feel my emotions. Hell, to feel, at all! I love texting my friends cute things, I love lifting them up and making them feel good when I say I love them. I don’t feel bad when I complain about something being hard or cold or unpleasant. I’m a softie, and that’s not only okay, that’s great!
Feel free to comment if you’ve had a similar (or different!) experience :) Just sharing a conversation starter here.
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Pre-transition, I had always thought there were rules about thought: that thoughts always had to stay “normal” and couldn’t really veer off a beaten path. This could have come from my childhood, where I grew up in a culture where conformity was taken to an extreme.
But now, I’ll write random notes to myself, say funny things online and into a microphone, and be human as broadly as possible, to relate to the feelings of others and create my own as well, do lateral thoughts, wordplay all over, and just try to do and think things that make my personal world a bit brighter for me.
Ohh this resonates! It took me quite a bit of time to learn that my thoughts are valid and “normal”. I always felt like such an outcast, being the weird kid and not really fitting in with my very traditional family. I even had to learn that my opinions are actually valid! Your “now” sounds fun :) It’s really the little things that make life brighter, isn’t it?
At at one point in the distant past, my school notes were cold, clinical, written in neat straight block lines, without style or care; people had accused me of memorizing Helvetica; they weren’t far off.
And now, here I am in my middle age, taking a photography class, and my notes look like this:
Ooh, I do love me some Neue Haas Grotesk, but your handwriting is beautiful! And the lowercase a’s? The slash through your 7’s? Dotted quadrille paper? Be still, my heart.
handwriting envy…
I am cis, and that was a very important self-actualisation and self-discovery path. I was the quiet shy kid in high school. Luckily, I had some amazing friends that brought me out of my shell and accepted whatever came out. Over time (so much time!) I finally embraced weirdness and random thoughts, and acting on them. It’s incredibly freeing to just do what you want to do! I’m a “serious person” with a “serious job”, I still paint my hair silly colors and do whatever I feel like!
Whenever dysphoria rears its ugly head and attempts to make question who and what I am, this is what I remind me of: I no longer feel restricted by masculinity, I am free to be soft and vulnerable and indulge in cute and feminine stuff as I always wished I could. That never fails to remind me that my transition was the right thing to do, even on a bad day.
This, so much this!! It sounds so stupid but on bad days I buy a nice candle and curl up with a soft blanket and it helps so much!!
I recommend adding one, two or more plushies. 😉
Oh you bet! I have a trusty blahaj (of course), my teddy bear and just ordered a polar fox a few days ago.
Almost 2 years into HRT and same! I never felt comfortable enough to allow myself to be anything other than standard issue manly, emotionally repressed and miserable but never doing anything about it because I should just toughen up and get over it. Now I’m making up for lost time enjoying life in ways I was afraid to before and I fucking love it. A few weeks ago my wife and I did acid at a rental lakehouse with half a dozen friends, it had a tub big enough for my 6’3" ass to fit almost completely laying down with room for her as well, the two of us made a big collaborative effort to light tea candles all over the room and spent what felt like hours just talking openly and crying and splashing about and enjoying each others’ company. Being able to actually be vulnerable with a romantic partner like that was completely unimaginable to me before, and it was so fucking nice. I could never go back to living the way I did.
