Currently the amount of Dysphoria I have is relatively low and while this sounds kinda nice it makes transitioning more difficult. I know that I am trans, but due to having little Dysphoria I dont always have recent “evidence” of being trans (I know for sure I am trans, but Dysphoria is kind of like the most obvious sign of being trans), it always feels like I am “faking” it. I know how bad my Dysphoria has been, I do sometimes have minor to medium levels of Dysphoria, I have one hell of a backlog (even written down), but since all of this happened quite some time ago, it feels like it was just a phase (which it isnt).
The main problem this causes is, that actually transitioning now gets extra hard, because this current state of not having to do that much is relatively comfortable. I know that I want to transition, but especially when thinking about doing DIY it becomes extra scary, because in the hypothetical case, that I am not trans doing HRT has long term consequences. And since my Dysphoria is so small it is not enough of an incentive to rush through transition and actually do something.
So basically, my mind is annoying and makes me think that I am not trans, due to lack of Dysphoria.
tbh even once I transitioned it has remained that way - but the question is whether I would ever actually want to stop estrogen and allow my body to revert to testosterone (or now that I’m post-op, administer exogenous testosterone) - and the answer is always a very strong and obvious no.
To me this indicates the answer, I don’t really need anything more than that. Even if I’m somehow “really a boy” inside or some nonsense I come up with, the fact is that I would never want testosterone to touch my body again - and as long as that’s true, I’m going to look like a woman and might as well socialize myself and acclimate to life as a woman (which, wow, by coincidence - I’ve always wished I had been born a girl instead and I’ve always thought it would be better to be a woman!).
I still wake up a man / boy every morning, though. (I’m just shy of 2 years on HRT, so it’s still early for me.)
in a way it’s consoling to hear experiences like that. in my personal life there are almost only people who are very very certain about who they are. i just know who i’m not. that’s a weird fact to back decisions with.
i guess it is what it is. :)