I wrote the other day about how I’d come across the facebook page of an old friend of mine. After this I felt an urge to google everyone else I’d gone to school with and I found a youtube page belonging to someone named James T______, who had the same very unusual surname of a friend I’d gone to school with. He had a photo of himself, and while I wasn’t entirely sure it was him as I haven’t seen him since 2006 and this person looked a lot older, he was bald, and James had gone bald last I saw him, so I left a comment on his page asking “Are you James C. T_______ from (hometown’s name)?”

I wrote in the disabled megathread about how it was him, and we sent emails back and forth for the rest of the night. I was so thrilled and excited to find him. However it ended with me doing a massive trauma dump on him where I told him about all my health problems, being unable to work, the fact I’ve become hideously ugly, the fact I haven’t seen any of my friends in years, etc.

It was almost a week ago and he didn’t write back again after that. At first I was just hurt by this. However as I mentioned in the disabled megathread, I was experiencing some type of religious mania at the time, which I have on multiple occasions previously, and honestly I think i am undiagnosed bipolar and I was having a manic episode. I did all kinds of stupid things during this episode including cutting my hair really short on the spur of the moment with some blunt scissors I found and throwing away some of my books because I thought God wouldn’t approve of them.

I think frantically searching for all my old friends and contacting James, and telling him all my problems might have been part of this mania. Now the mania has died down a bit I am so embarrassed at my behaviour I am cringing constantly and wish I could take it back. From my point of view at the time, I was simply sharing my life story with an old and dear friend. But now I see from his point of view he was contacted out of the blue by someone he hasn’t seen in 20 years who then immediately used him as a therapist, inappropriately oversharing all of their problems .

I must seem like a really desperate loser to him, reaching out to a long lost person and telling them everything like this. And I am a desperate loser but it’s embarrassing that he knows that now. Everyone here at hexbear is so accepting and always willing to listen to my problems, I guess I got used to that and forgot that in real life people don’t want to hear it and think you’re a weirdo if you don’t act like everything is fine all the time.

Why doesn’t life have a rewind button?

  • dil [he/him, comrade/them]@hexbear.netEnglish
    1·
    5 days ago

    That’s fair! For what it’s worth, he was interested in talking to you initially, and dropped off when talking to your manic self (who tends to say wild shit). Personally, I’m not ruling out that he’s just too busy, but either way I wouldn’t take it as a rejection of your “normal” self.

    Really hate “if I had a life worth living…”. I’m guessing “ah, but you do!” won’t help, so I’ll just say that I’m sorry that you feel that way and I hope that one day you won’t.

    Re: not being on meds, my doc recommended monitoring your sleep as a good check on mania. If you need less sleep and still feel energized, that might be a sign you’re manic. Getting enough sleep is v important, to the point where I’d probably recommend taking a sleep aid if you aren’t getting “enough” (where enough is unique to the person, but maybe 5ish hours?). Maybe you could take Benadryl, since it also helps with allergies…?

    • DisabledAceSocialist [comrade/them]@hexbear.netOPEnglish
      2·
      5 days ago

      I don’t have a life worth living though. I’m in chronic pain, dosed up to the eyeballs on meds with a ton of side effects, can’t even do basic things like walk or dress myself without great difficulty, trapped indoors much of the time due to often being unable to walk for long periods of time, alone, bored, and facing a lifetime of horrible medical treatments and endless poverty as I’ll never be able to work, constantly going through the stress of being reassessed for benefits. It’s an objective fact that this is not a life worth living, I know society loves to push the toxic positivity narrative and try and convince people in situations like this that their lives are worth living but that’s all a lie. If society had a shred of decency, assisted suicide would be available to me, but society likes to virtue signal and pretend they care too much about the disabled to let us die, all the while making it as difficult as possible for us to access the benefits and medical treatment we need.

      I am already prescribed loratadine for the allergies but they are getting worse over time. I don’t think benadryl will cut it.