I was at a party where this very handsome guy kept making moves and initiating. It felt so nice to be chosen out of many people, and the chats were good rather than superficial small talk. After a while he asked “my place or yours?” No matter how much my mind was aware that I am not the type of person who can carelessly hook up and I get attached, my heart couldn’t say no in the moment. So we went to his and hooked up. We were also drunk which didn’t help. Full disclosure, he couldn’t get completely hard, and I wonder if it has to do with me but he said it’s probably because he’s drunk. We mutually did other intimate things too, and cuddled afterwards which got me - he was giving compliments and being sweet.
Then it got weird. I couldn’t sleep and woke him up once after which he turned over and at one point said “get out”. He was in and out of sleep with eyes closed, but it was very clearly said. He also claims that he doesn’t remember anything after he hit the bed. So does that mean it’s possible he was dreaming/sleeptalking and it wasn’t directed at me? I accidentally left something small at his place and he added me on social media later on saying he found it. We sent a few flirty messages back and forth across a few days, and he recently asked about my weekend plans but is now ghosting me for the second time.
I just feel old and stupid. I naively thought there could be something this time but they are all the same. I hate that I fell for it and couldn’t control myself. What should I do or say now? We’re in a professional organization (although not a workplace) where word travels fast, my friends all saw us and were so curious, and I really care what our peers think of me. I asked when he was drunk to keep this between us so I’m afraid it didn’t register deeply enough. Should I have a real talk with him, and if so, over food or just a talk in person or over the phone? I feel so lost. Please help me out, friends. Thank you!
Firstly, if you have friends or family who know you who you trust with these matters, definitely speak to them and value their opinions over those of internet strangers. As a second option, a therapist is trained and obligated to have your best interests in mind.
If you’re looking for a relationship, then you deserve someone who is fully into you, not a guy who will hook up and flirt and not much else. The two options are “fuck yes” or “fuck no”, and not something in between. Given the story so far, there’s nothing that really indicates this guy is looking for any kind of real relationship. Even if you want one, you can’t convince him or nudge him into wanting one and worrying about him will ultimately just waste your time, which is valuable even if you don’t think it is.
Also, his actions are not a reflection on you, they’re a better indication of where he’s at than anything else. People are in all kinds of places in their sexual and romantic lives and those places won’t always make sense or work with where you’re at. I don’t think there’s any value in blaming yourself for hooking up with an attractive guy or for catching feelings – it’s part of who we are as people and it doesn’t make you weak or naive. The fact that you are asking yourself these questions instead of blindly thinking of this guy as your “new boyfriend” shows that, deep down, you can tell that he’s not taking this seriously.
Be patient with yourself. Find someone who is willing to show that they want to be with you. You’ll get there in time.
Thank you so much for your input! Unfortunately, people love to gossip in this org so it’d be high risk and I really find that internet communities give great objective insight. Your comment is an example of that! I needed to hear this: The two options are “fuck yes” or “fuck no”, and not something in between. Powerful. I am exhausted of the in-betweens, the ones who are lukewarm and give half effort and yet expect full effort in return. I’m not getting any younger, and I’m still single when everywhere on social media someone’s getting engaged or married. It gets really hard to stay optimistic and hopeful that something will come around. But I guess that’s what many others are experiencing too. Anyway, from one internet stranger to another (or who knows, some of us may have crossed paths without realizing), I’ll just keep looking for the “fuck yes” and not waste my time with another something in between which should immediately be recognized as a “fuck no”.
I agree entirely with this one OP.
You seem like a wonderful human? Very respectful and supportive and you deserve someone who reflects the respect and courtesy.
That man did not deserve your attention. Let it go, you deserve better.
Thank you so much. This is really kind. I feel like I’m often meeting the wrong people. Emotionally unavailable, entitled, self-absorbed. I hope I can meet someone who fits your description and respects me for who I am, meets me halfway, and genuinely cares.