kinda in my head, a little sad. I want to be how I used to be, before life happened. A little dramatic this post, I guess.
How do you stim? I can’t do it anymore. I used to, when I was younger, I would wave my arms and say random things and vocalize stuff and sing. But that was a long time ago, and I’ve long since been trained out of it, both explicitly and implicitly.
So… How do you do it? How do I stim again? I can’t even pick up the stimtoys they put out in meetings for fear of someone seeing me. But… It makes me feel better, but I can only ever let myself do it when I’m alone. Maybe its not even stimming if I can prevent the behavior like that. But, I would like to be able to do the things that help me feel ok.
What’s wrong with me?
Edit: y’all make me feel ok, make me feel kinda not broken. Thank you <3
My stim of choice was bred by not being allowed to be openly autistic. You know those smooth shirt tags? The kinda satin-y feeling ones? I’m constantly rubbing those against themselves. I even have satin pillowcases so I can stim on those. I was never allowed to show signs of autism as a kid so I hit my autism, and that’s one of the ways I did it.
This reminds me of reseaerch I read about how neurodiverse girls often sit on their hands as kids to hide the tism or adhd. It made me so sad, because yeah that’s the type of stuff we did. Solidarity.