So I met this girl by chance and we really hit it off, once I learned of her age I decided to just be friends as I think that 19 to 25 is an age were we mature a lot and I remember myself as a 19yo and I was not mature enough to be a good partner and to be good to myself.
I talked to a female friend of mine and she said that I’m over thinking it and that I should ask her out and be open minded, and so I did and we are going on a date soon.
The thing is, she seems really mature but I can’t put aside the age gap.
Am I over thinking it? Should I really just take it slow and just be vigilant about the situation and notice if this isn’t healthy for me or her?
Or should I let her down easy and continue as friends?
Update: We went on a date and it was great, I read all of the comments and there were some really good advices that I took to heart. I will take things slow and try to be as aware of the situation as possible. I hope it will go well :)
Thank you everyone!
The age gap might make a relationship difficult, but it’s not wrong. Just make sure you have clear open communication and understand each other’s expectations. You’re both adults.
Thank you!
As for what other people may think, the “half your age + 7” rule is pretty consistent
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Half-age-plus-seven-relationship-rule.svg
But yea you guys will know the situation best. Communicate well :)
The only problem with the chart is that it doesn’t account for stuff like independence. If a 19 year old has a stable job and is living on their own I would be a lot more forgiving than if the 19 year old was still in college and living with their parent.
Also a 19 year old who never dated vs. a 19 year old who dated a few different people already.
Relationship experience is important to help us be safe in our relationships…
Check to see if there is a power differential here.
Are you an established adult with a Real Job and a nice apartment while she is struggling to figure out how to get out from under the thumb of her controlling family? Or is she happily making her own way in the world as a small farmer or boat salesperson or something while you have been futzing around painting skateboards and playing in a minor punk band?
Older people dating younger people can be wrong because it is easy for the older person to have too much power in the relationship. If you have something she really wants or needs that you can provide or withdraw at will or as a condition of the relationship, you should not date.
Wtfh why do you pretend like people can’t be nice if there is a power differential? A couple with a moderate power differential like you describe is only a problem if the powerful one decides to be a dick about it; it’s literally fine as long as they are a nice person and can commit to not taking advantage.
Yeah, probably more of a ‘proceed with caution’ rather than a flat no.
Plus in any relationship there are wants and needs being met by the relationship that would be withdrawn if the relationship were to end. Mutual benefit is why you get into a long term relationship in the first place.
If you have something she really wants or needs that you can provide or withdraw at will or as a condition of the relationship, you should not date.
There’s a sex joke in there, but the conversation it to mature for me to make it.
I guess there is some of that but I think that if I take it slow and let her be her own person outside the relationship (as we all should) it should be less of an issue
The fact that you are talking about "letting"her be her own person outside the relationship sort of implies that she might not have already figured out how to do that on her own.
People are right to wave red flags here, but are also right that it isn’t necessarily the age that is the potential problem.
Make sure she knows how to be an independent adult with her own career, hobbies, and motivations, or you get into unpredictable territory.
From a viewpoint of a 40+ you are practically the same age.
While I agree it’s hard to deny they are really not that far apart in terms of age, 19 year olds and 25 year olds are worlds apart. Disclaimer: American, can’t speak for other cultures
Yeah I’d really have a hard time dating someone who is likely still living with their parents if I’d been on my own a year or two. I wouldn’t consider making the relationship serious until I knew they could stand on their own feet.
It really depends though, some people are just really mature at a young age. I know some teenagers who are unfortunately taking care of their parent(s) and siblings. Life is very different for different people.
The thing is, she seems really mature
Every time I read this I cringe. Because most of the time this comes from someone that cant really judge that. You dont seem to know each other for a long time or have a deep connection.
Besides that I wish both of you the best and maybe it turns out as some of the positive stories in the other comments. Or not. Both are ok.
I suspect people often mistake ‘chilled out’ or ‘doesn’t enjoy partying much’ as mature.
True but not in this case, I’m looking at it from a world-views and emotional understanding point of view.
Its true that I don’t know her for long, she seems mature from my short time with her but I know it doesn’t say much
I’m turning 31 this year, and my girlfriend is 25.
We’ve been together six years now. I didn’t realize she was still 18 until the end of our first date, and she caught that I was visibly startled by it.
I owned up that I didnt realize and assumed from our interactions that she was at least 20-22 and she laughed and apologized, saying she thought I knew her age.
After going home and thinking about how well we hit it off, and how she found my concern amusing, I decided I was being silly and that if the age gap was a problem it would make itself evident.
Best decision ever. Nothing wrong with paying attention to those things, just keep open communication with each other 👍
I’ll also note that I had skipped college and had been working, and was about to go back to school. She was about to start her second year in college.
There are multiple ways people can find themselves on the same path and there was some serendipity for sure.
To the point of many other people here, yes, over the next five years she is going to evolve more than you as a person. So just understand going that growing apart is more likely than if you were both in your 30’s.
Nothing wrong with that, just a reality to acknowledge.
Did you ever get your degree, Mr Poopybutthole?
Master of Sharts in Colonial Studies
Thanks!
USAian society has probably told you there is some kind of formula to calculate whether it’s alright. Fuck that. Treat her like a human, not some input to a formula. Be decent, communicate, and if she’s fine with it and likes you, that’s all that matters. Society shouldn’t come between you and another human.
Yeah, there’s really nothing wrong with a 50 year old dating a 19 year old. Age is just a number. There’s no power imbalance there or expectations. It’s perfectly healthy for the 19 year old to get into a long term relationship where their partner is going to be 70 before they’re 40.
Or, maybe, half your age + 7 is a good rule. It’s pretty lenient.
At 18 we let people vote on the direction of the entire nation. We let them buy houses and go into debt for life. We let them die in war for their country. Most places in the world let them drink and get married. Of all of these rights, the absolute least of them is the right to fuck whichever other adult they choose. I cannot understand the utter insanity of thinking one is responsible enough to vote but not have sex. If you don’t think they’re responsible enough to have sex then they’re sure as shit not responsible enough to everything else.
18 year olds are adults. It’s time we stop infantilising them. People used to get married much younger than even that. If they want to fuck an older person, more power to them.
Yeah its not illegal for an 18 year old to date a 50 year old. You can still recognize that the 50 year old in this case is a creep.
No bank will give a home loan to an 18 year old that doesn’t have income. They will happily give them a student loan and saddle them in debt for life though because the loan can’t be discharged. That scenario is legal and is also rightfully criticized.
You say let them die in a war like thats a feature and something the teenager wants. Governments would conscript younger teens if they could get away with it.
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Way to treat another human like an input to formula. Good job
That formula is French
I’m French and never heard about it from French people. It’s always brought up by Americans.
I thought in France the formula was your age x 0 + 15
That’s only true in the Quinze region of France.
Lol, it’s from a comedy, it was never meant to be serious.
It is usually cited as 1/2 your current age + 7.
That’s the formula that this commenter recommended to fuck.
Fuck it hard
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Depends on the input
I agree with your friend, I think that you’re overthinking. As long as both are adults and willing, I don’t see anything wrong.
Lack of maturity can be a problem in the long run but it’s a problem that goes away over time, plus it is not some unsurmountable barrier.
According to the universal dating age formula, (25/2) + 7 = 19.5, so I think you’re good. Anything less would be creepy.
I too was going to mention “the rule”!
I too was going to mention that I too was going to mention the rule!
I dated a 5 year younger woman in my twenties for 5 years and while the age gap itself wasn’t an issue to us or anyone else, what turned out to be an issue, was that she changed quite dramatically during those 5 years and we ended up growing apart. That’s a feature of a young age though, not the age difference.
This is the real issue. Date her and have a great time, but don’t consider moving in together or getting married for years. I got married when we were both 18 and after a few years, she turned into a different person and ended up really hurting me. 0/10 would not do again.
I think this is the biggest risk. 19 year olds often change a lot before they’re ready to settle down. If OP is looking for a long term relationship it’s more risky.
The moral panic about age gaps for any relationship where both people are over eighteen is so ridiculous.
You’re fine. Just date her in you want to.
I don’t think it is, while age ia not THE determining factor it does point to a possible lack of maturaity, experience, etc
So for some 18yo it night be okay to date a 21+ while others might have a 16yo mindset and really should’t date anyone.
This is a good take, and you seem like a decent person. I think after a couple dates, you would quickly know if she is as mature as she seems and if it feels like the relationship is unbalanced or not.
My wife and I are similar distances and met at a similar age. I couldn’t stand most girls her age, or even my age. But she has always been an old soul, and was more mature than most women I would have met, and certainly more mature than I was back then.
you can’t be 100% sure about a relationship until you try it. it might work out, it might not. age is not going to be an obvious problem upfront if she seems mature. you just have to accept that you’re taking a risk.
Ffs date her and see what happens, you know find out what she’s like and all that…
Date the person not the number…
Also cuz I know the internet likes to be ridiculous with stuff don’t take the above statement and say some dumb shit like what if a 12 yr old was the number, this thread is about an 18 year old who is of legal age for the most part in most places
Your age, divided by 2, then add 7 = minimum age that most of society will deem okay.
For example:
25 ÷ 2 = 12.5 + 7 = 19.5
So the acceptable age for you to date that avoids the ‘ick’ is around 19 years old. Honestly it’s not a big deal in the long run.
For me as long as your above 18 and it’s consentual (ie. not forced, pressured, or groomed, etc), it’s fine.
My wife is 7 years older than me. We met in college. I think I was 22. We’ve been married for 25 years.
So your wife was prowling the local colleges for guys at 29 years old? 🤔
Maybe she wasn’t able to start collage sooner… There are many reasons for why s1 is at collage at 29.
Could’ve been a TA, masters or PhD student, researcher, anything really lol.
I finished university in 10 years. I know a lot of people who did it in even more.
Why do people consider bigger age gaps a problem? Because there’s often a difference in maturity and experience that makes it harder to communicate, have the same goals and often puts the younger party at risk of being taken advantage of.
So if you think that the thing the age gap is a stand in for, a gap in maturity, doesn’t apply, there’s also no reason to get hung up on the number and mistake the map for the territory.
I think it’s good that you’re questioning yourself though and you should probably keep being a bit cautious about the situation and reevaluating yourself until you can be certain you two are on the same level.
There can be a power imbalance due to the younger one being less experienced and often having access to less resources.
You learn a lot dating in your late teens / 20 that allows you to avoid bad situations later in life.
But you can’t say it’s wrong with X years gap. Just that the potential for abuse is greater.
The experience gap at the low end is the big reason all this age stuff exists, no one really cares as much when you’re 30 and dating someone over 40. The 18-22 range has huge experience gaps, most have never been independent before 18, many aren’t truly independent until 22-24 due to college.
The exposure to different points of view and lifestyles that happens for most at this age is significant and it can cause real problems in a relationship. If one person has already done that journey of self discovery and settled into a career, and the other hasn’t even started. That can lead to long term resentment or drifting apart as that discovery happens.
Thank you!
Not sure that a 25 year old is in a great position to judge the relative maturity of a 19 year old, but in general terms the only issue here is if you find it an issue. If you can’t be comfortable in the relationship then it doesn’t really work for you and you shouldn’t force it.
That said, there’s no harm in exploring the prospect over the course of a few dates… just don’t commit yourself until you feel comfortable.
I’m 8 years older than my wife. We’ve been together over 11 years. When we first got together, she was 21 and I was 29. Now I’m 40 and she’s 32.
As long as you’re both consenting adults, there’s no power disparity, you have commonalities, and you’re both at the same stage in life, age is meaningless.
I’m not sure that we are at the same stage in life but we should be in about 1-2 years
