Last night I dreamt that there was a small, white, very cute dog living with a foster carer, waiting to be adopted. The foster carer was not kind to her and did not care about her at all. The poor thing was really sad, but it was OK because I was on my way to adopt her. I got to the house and she was so happy and relieved to be adopted. But then I started waking up, and I knew this meant she would not be adopted, she’d be stuck with this awful fosterer. I was so devastated, when I woke up and for a while after I really felt like she was actually real, like on the astral plane or something, and there really is some poor dog trapped in a miserable situation out there because I woke up.

I think it’s maybe a metaphor for my landlady’s dog, he is small and white. Due to my situation, chronic pain, illness, disability and poverty with no way out and constant stress, I think every day about suicide. The only two things that stop me are the difficulty of doing so while disabled (already have one failed attempt) and the knowledge that my landlady will not look after her dog properly, and he will have a miserable life without me. Like if I wake up out of this shitty life (ie commit suicide) he will be trapped here in this miserable world having an awful time, just like my dream.

  • Letztertod [he/him, he/him]@hexbear.netEnglish
    5·
    3 days ago

    I understand what you mean, I have tried but it is too difficult, I wish assisted suicide or euthanasia was an option. I sometimes think cruelty and torture is what everyone wants, they don’t us to live a fulfilled life with our conditions yet don’t let us go out in peace either.

    • DisabledAceSocialist [comrade/them]@hexbear.netOPEnglish
      5·
      3 days ago

      I totally agree. So many people don’t want to employ the disabled as we need more time off and can’t do a lot of things, but they also don’t want us claiming benefits as they hate “scroungers”. But if we then end up homeless due to lack of money, they don’t want us on the street and put up hostile architecture so homeless people can’t sleep in doorways or on benches. But they don’t want us accessing assisted suicide either. If we then try to commit suicide on our own it’s “Oh you’re so selfish, don’t you know how many people care about you? How could you hurt them like this? Some poor person had to find you!”

      Most people are just evil shits who virtue signal about not wanting us dead but make it impossible for us to live.