Not /j, /srs.
I was looking back over my posts, and that was my honest reaction. It’s not very nice to keep autistic children around as your goofy lolcow, you know. Friends don’t let friends post cringe. In your own words, I want to know why you thought it was fine to act like the kind of fuckin internet posting I do was fine, and that I should continue to do so, more, worse. Does that really seem like a good idea to you? Go look at those comments and say it to my face, fucker.
If you didn’t, you are obligated to share with the class why you didn’t offer even an ounce of dissent about it. There’s a point past which politeness becomes condescending, and many months ago you could have saved everyone a ton of trouble, if you’d just said “this is terrible” or maybe even “lol cringe” at some point. It would have been mean, but it would have been less mean than sitting back and alllowing the high volumes of horror and embarrassment that ensued to happen. I mean, really.
If you disagree, I’d like to invite you to consider that you’re wrong, and whoever gave me the ability to think and transcribe those thoughts with a keyboard has a lot to answer for. I looked at the megathreads today, and seeing people even partially attribute the 2500+ comment threads to my repulsive disaster posting is awful. There are people who actually post things of value in those threads.
come on ash, your posts were always good and had value, fight me about it. sry but not gonna affirm you putting yourself down like this. “lolcow” “cringe” “repulsive” nobody sees it that way but you. you wouldn’t talk about someone else in the community that way, you don’t get to do it to yourself. this is just bullying. glad you’re back but sorry you’re feeling this way, seems like a really negative and frankly hateful perspective on yourself which isn’t reflective of how anyone here views you really. this kind of self flagellation is completely unnecessary. I’m sorry if this is harsh but “condescending politeness” seems like a really disordered view of the reception to your posts, I and many others sincerely appreciated them, looked forward to them even and missed them while you were away. the idea that traa users were just tolerating your presence is simply not the case. we weren’t all playing a big joke on you. you’re actually a highly valued member of the community and you posting a lot was very much welcome. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, i totally know how that goes. but if you’re able, you have to try to to look on yourself with the same kindness and grace you always extended to people on here. I know it’s really fuckin hard sometimes. really am glad you’re back.
I am still mildly proud of bullying Whipping Girl, it’s not exactly the 5D chess of theory but given the lack of spoons I managed to put words in the computer. Sometimes my posting is pretty sick.
However I’m utterly unconvinced that nobody else in the community holds this negative and hateful perspective on me. Hexbear is too polite a place for it, but it’s out there, I am certain. I do know people have liked my postings (thank you) because every now and then I go over my comment sections and whatever, but being embarrassingly bad to the point of offense at talking to people wears on a person. What actually happened is that I realised I have this little brain-voice that tells me I am dogshit, and I was posting loudly and constantly. Mostly this was born from a genuine commitment to unmasking and posting honestly, but secretly also the positive replies and stuff were staving off the brain-voice. I didn’t feel like this was a healthy relationship to socialising, even online, so I just stopped, and that basically crushed out the “fuck it we ball” energy I’d built up. That’s how I got here.
I know that there is no coordinated “big joke” because that would be goofy, but it only takes someone thinking shitty things about me and not outwardly saying for it to become at least a little joke. And since the space is too nice to tolerate outwardly saying shitty things to people…
Thank you for saying though, I have been cooking up posts to make everyone regret ever saying anything nice in this thread !
I believe in cringe accelerationism.
That’s the cool and based kind of cringe, though.
OMG SHE’S BACK
Also, embrace cringe. Cringe is just a negative word for sincerity.
It pretty much is, and I hate cringe culture as it exists as well, here I’m trying to weaponise it primarily for indicating who is really annoying and pissing people off all the time.
I tried “embracing cringe”, which you can tell based on how often I spilt my guts on here. It kind of hurts though, because it turns out you can’t really just raw-dog anxiety forever.
I want to know why you thought it was fine to act like the kind of fuckin internet posting I do was fine
I don’t remember your exact posts, but I am always going to remember how you made me feel when I was first figuring out gender. I remember you being compassionate, and kind, and explaining things to me. I remember feeling hopelessly alone, lost, and dysphoric. And you’d almost always have something to say to me or offer. I distinctly remember posting and hoping you were still awake so we could talk a little bit. I remember talking long into the night with you. I remember how comfy you made me feel. That was extremely valuable to me and I miss you a lot.
I’ve posted a lot of horrifically cringe things in the mega over the last year. Things I hope no one remembers, even if I think about them all the time.
Threadwinner thus far
I like that I had a positive impact on someone, and my borderline insomnia did too, lol lmao.I don’t always catch your posts before they get
'd but they have never made me cringe, honestly. Too earnest and decent, y’know?Aw, thank you
well its all true, and its good to see you back here.Well the purged ones are the worst of it
but ty <3
Deleted comments get me kinda sad. Deleted accounts sadder. Everyone (other than me) should say stuff online at all times…
sorry nerd, i love your posting and presence and i’m glad to see you back. pistols at dawn if you want to fight about it
Why, but also a duel I will surely lose
lots of reasons, but if i had to be brief…
i really enjoy your passionposting! it gives me an immense amount of joy to see other people enthusing about the things they love. i like how engaged and active you are in the community, i like your dedication to deworming people’s brains, and i really appreciate how in-depth your knowledge of your chosen topics is. on a more personal note one of your posts about asexuality expressed something my partner couldn’t for the life of her put into words, so even without all the rest of it i’d always be positively inclined towards you for that reason.
i think you are an overall boon to this community, and i’m very clearly not alone. every time you leave there are plenty of comments wishing you well and hoping for your eventual return.
basically i like you and there’s nothing you can do about it. now draw!
really enjoy your passionposting!
Another connoisseur of the infodump
love to see it. I am not that knowledgeable about all of my SIs because at least one of them I invented as a bit, but y’know. Thanks…i like your dedication to deworming people’s brains
Okay no absolutely fucking not
one of the easiest “cringe” things to point out is how badly I have failed at conveying any of the bootleg gender enlightenment I’ve obtained to most people. Plus, I really don’t want to be romping around lecturing people about the bugs in their grey matter, it must be pretty galling to post a sad vent in the mega, and have some fucking total dipshit slide into replies like " 
uhm did you know that gender is made up by a guy" or whatever. There have been fights over this subject, and I truly do not want to be annoying people over it. I lack the people-skills to try to convey it in a way that’s useful, so it is better not to try to engage people deemed “brainwormed” on the topic usually, I think. I would want to be a lot more empathetic and understanding, because I’ve been there too, but I am really bad at it and make enemies that way. Ugly…one of your posts about asexuality expressed something my partner couldn’t for the life of her put into words,
OKAY this is based, probably a top 5 of my time on bearsite. Since I am too useless to go outside, I pretty much only hope that I can help people at all in any way with my idiot blabbering. This pleases me greatly
It is actually fucked up that people speak of me so often when I leave, I put my username into the search bar once and horror burst forth. My honest reaction is: me? Why not Cromalin or Yor or literally anyody else? No, the yapper?
Also oof ouch I lost, too slow
at least one of them I invented as a bit
the beauty of being
is that it could be all of them and i wouldn’t know!Okay no absolutely fucking not
strong words for someone who is losing this duel. but seriously i think you’re very hard on yourself; from my perspective i’d say you have good people skills and a terrible self-image. but i’ve seen enough of your interactions with people of brainworms to know that you have useful insights and convey them well. you can’t always judge the success of interactions like that based on the immediate outcome. you wouldn’t sow a seed and then call it a failure when it didn’t immediately turn into a tree.
probably a top 5 of my time on bearsite
you’ll honestly never know how much i appreciate you just for that one post alone. it was like a cipher key for understanding my partner’s feelings. genuinely cannot overstate how big of a deal it was!
Why not Cromalin
funny you should bring her up, i was going to make the explicit comparison earlier actually. i think about her fairly often. she’s another one whose obvious love for something was infectious and a joy to see. i hope she’s well. and i hope you are too, silly.
it could be all of them and i wouldn’t know!
My entire being was made up
from my perspective i’d say you have good people skills and a terrible self-image.
This is true, it’s hard to reliably perceive anything so who fuckin knows, right?
I cannot judge the success of any interaction ever! Maybe thinking about it in terms of how it went is too goal-oriented again, talking to people is not slot machines after all. But any amount of ambiguity is the mind killer due to anxiety(and also autism), and will result in me awake at 4am turning conversations over in my head wondering how badly it went. Many rooms in my mindpalace are taken up by screaming about old exchanges. My nightmares, haunted by rejection sensitivity!Even if I could keep going like that forever, (rawdogging that shit is soooo much fun) it would bite me in the ass eventually when someone I’ve upset without realising finally loses their shit at me.
you’ll honestly never know how much i appreciate you just for that one post alone.
i think about her fairly often. she’s another one whose obvious love for something was infectious and a joy to see. i hope she’s well. and i hope you are too, silly.
Never have I respected a weeb as much as cromalin… I hope she is well too. I’m not, but that’s just how it happens Idk.yeah that’s right i’m picking this back up days later, i’ve got that gold-tier subscription to social anxiety
(also you don’t have to reply ofc, i just felt bad leaving you on read!)My entire being was made up
fuck i’m shadowboxing ghosts!I cannot judge the success of any interaction ever!
i honestly think this is very normal. like you said it’s hard to perceive anything reliably, doubly so when you’re inside the thing you’re trying to get a view of.
Maybe thinking about it in terms of how it went is too goal-oriented again
eh i think the main issue is that you can only get your view of how it went and only in that one moment. you never know when your words are running through someone’s mind totally unbidden. imo it’s fine to approach an interaction with a goal in mind, i just think it veers into harmful thinking territory if you feel like you’ve failed when you don’t reach the goal in that interaction, you know?
Many rooms in my mindpalace are taken up by screaming about old exchanges
i hate that i feel this but god do i ever. the only thing i’ve found that really helps with the social anxiety is dealing with my partner’s social anxiety, which is significantly worse. talking her into accepting that a given situation went fine (and that if it hadn’t, there’d be some kind of blatant sign rather than one she had to go hunting for) has sort of forced my brain into the same kind of thought patterns when i start to suffer from “did i have a bad interaction” syndrome. it’s…still not great, but it’s definitely made an improvement.I hope she is well too. I’m not, but that’s just how it happens Idk.
In This House we adore that girl, wherever she is. and yeah, i’ve seen some of your subsequent posts. :< i’m sorry things are so rough in your life. i truly hope they improve soon.
also sorry if this was annoying or came off as preachy, i’m coming off the heels of a bad interaction (ironically? probably not) so i’m a little scatter-brained lol
i’m picking this back up days later, i’ve got that gold-tier subscription to social anxiety ([…] i just felt bad leaving you on read!)
Especially on the goofy forum, dw about it. I try not to “YOU LEFT ME ON READ” people, chats gotta end and on bearsite they’re like, emphemeral Idk. People just move on, y’know.
like you said it’s hard to perceive anything reliably, doubly so when you’re inside the thing you’re trying to get a view of.
I gotta get out of the thing
I wish I coild just be at peace with not perceiving anything. Alas…you can only get your view of how it went and only in that one moment. you never know when your words are running through someone’s mind totally unbidden.
Can you imagine the things I say living rent-free in anybody’s head? Literally who??? Not possible lmao. Mostly when I go to yap, I have more of a specific idea in mind to yap about, like some idle thought about a gender thing bites at my mind for a week and then I yap. Yappist…
talking her into accepting that a given situation went fine (and that if it hadn’t, there’d be some kind of blatant sign rather than one she had to go hunting for) has sort of forced my brain into the same kind of thought patterns when i start to suffer from “did i have a bad interaction” syndrome.
Should I… give my better half hardcore anxiety so I can fix mine?
I mean I’m glad it works but waow.I wish I could just medicate this shit but sertraline, gabapentin, wellbutrin, tons of stuff that either didn’t work or had side effects as ugly as what they were treating. Idk what I’ll do longterm.
In This House we adore that girl, wherever she is. and yeah, i’ve seen some of your subsequent posts. :< i’m sorry things are so rough in your life.
Hey some good things happened today so there’s that =) as far as being scatter brained again don’t worry about it, you’re fine. I was like Rad, another message!
Because your posting is valuable, unique, and entertaining. Entertaining in a genuine “this is written in such a fun way” and distinctly not a lolcow way.
if you’d just said “this is terrible” or maybe even “lol cringe” at some point.
You would have beaten us into submission
I probably would have, but maybe the psychic damage would have been enough to make me stop right after? Get it over with?
I like your posting nerd
Why, but thanks…
wb, you’re cool and your absence was noticed /gen
No but also thanks for saying.
I didn’t think your posts were cringe, so either that makes me more cringe, or your cringe isn’t actually all that cringe, and you’re being hard on yourself unjustly. Trust me, this is math.
Trust me, I made a New Vegas effort-comment on the millitary structure of the NCR, and how to make it fresh and sensible.Anyways, welcome back!
I actually want to say, in universe iirc the NCR has at least some heavy industry. They have working vertibirds and stuff (long after the Enclave disbanded) at Hoover Dam, they mint their own currency. While it wouldn’t fit with their military ethos, it wouldn’t surprise me if they’d come up with replacement parts for power armour too and learned how to pilot it. The biggest issue is clearly that NCR power armour was a pointless nostalgia grab built to sell skins in Fallout 76 :^) good effortpost.
Also math is apex cringe, practitioners of math are ableist reactionaries.
Thanks! I agree that they do have some heavy industry, and it would make sense for them to develop, I just didn’t like the mish-mash of traditional millitarism with the expeditionary Rangers, lol
It’s a betrayal of the NCR’s whole point, in the fiction, kinda. Badthesda.
Badthesda indeed.
I can’t say I know what you’re talking about i just had a look at your profile and it seems pretty standard hexbear user to me
If I am a standard issue hb user, I want to see the others.
Might be pretty tough to find another user that posts about special interests and gender, you’re right
q.e.d.
you’re back, I’m incapable of liking anything ironically and I still think your postings on gender are great, posting gender acceleration manifesto helped me realize I’m 
so if nothing else hope that helps. I’m also pretty 
so I do worry how I come off too but I really don’t think anyone is fucking with youThe bearzone deserves a better class of gender accelerationist than this befuddled autist, but I’m glad to serve that role if I can.
Someone is ALWAYS fucking with me, I can tell because it’s impossible to read social cues even irl, so it follows I am missing things.
Thanks again for the gender postings and if it helps you always got my support for your postings. Your passion and sincerity make it worth reading everything you have to say even as my attention span dwindles with my age
also really like your video game postings 
it’s rare to find someone as interested in 06 as I am.Ah now you got me, I adore Sonic 06. I heard in a Cifesk vidoe recently that maybe 06 was intended to run on Hedgehog once and they were waiting for it to be done… but given that Hedgehog wouldn’t be functional until like 2007 at the earliest, it seems weird that Sonic Team could then bodge together 06’s engine
I just dunno, I would love to talk to Sonic Team techs at the time about that.To be real though my gender posting feels woefully inadequate. Looking back at all the times I’ve been admonished for idiot gender musings, it feels like I arrived at the correct conclusion (gender abolitionism) by cheating the concept of intellect, a bad move that upset very many people.
See I was gonna lead off first with your sonic posting but last time I mentioned them you were like “oh no I’m known for this” but yeah genuinely cool hearing you as you put it yap. Love me Cifesk’s cut content vids only problem is you run out of Cifesk vids, I got around this by watching speedrunners with a recent one I’m digesting for sonic heroes seeing it broken down.
I’m still relatively new to gender musing so I can’t comment on any push back you’ve gotten but still you also got me to read gender outlaw so that’s another win you can tally
Well thank you for saying, but it’s still usually awful yapping ✨
Only problem I got with Cifesk is the dramatic oversimplification of Sonic Xtreme’s devtime. That game’s story has a gender revelation in it…
Should dedicate a whole video… The sonic slop on sloptube is pretty good though can’t disagree, I did not know people even speedran Heroes tho.I’m doing GENDER PRAXIS FR FR
spreading the theatre kid gospel ig
there’s only two kinds of people: people who admit to cringing at their younger self, and damned liars
It would be easier if I just hated my younger self, I mean she was a terrible 4ch brainwormed gender essentialist liberal, but that was kind of a given with the circumstances. I’m talkin bout posts less than six months old.
Ash posting is good posting actually.
Nah, mostly it’s bewildered screeching about some novel you’ve never once heard of
i genuinely thought you and your posts were pretty cool and still do. cringe culture sucks, you’re not cringe and no one else is either. i really hope you’re ok comrade
Why, but thanks… For me, cringe is when you annoy the fuck out of people, I guess. It is true generally that nobody else on hb is cringe =)
I’m not dead I guess, so that’s something!
- missed ya
Shouldn’t
