Putting on black nail polish used to be the highlight of my week in the early days of transition and way before I came out. I was never good at it, but I liked how it looked on me and it felt like a way to get control back in my life in one of the few ways that I could.
Now HRT has done some pretty nice things to me after three years and I don’t feel as connected to nail polish, and everything I didn’t like about it feels much more of a pain. Like that it’s expensive, that it can be a mess, and after a decade, I still always miss my nail bed and get paint on my skin.
I do still like taking care of my nails. I enjoy filing the shape just right and exfoliating them and moisturizing to keep them healthy. That’s all fine.
But then I get the intrusive thoughts that I’m not femme enough or not alt enough if I don’t wear black nail polish. Of course, I know that’s not true, but it is what my brain tells me. So that’s kind of where I’m at.
Super normal! Transition is a lot like speed running puberty. Cis women have had their childhood and teen years to try different styles of femininity and pick what feels right for them. Many of them don’t wear nail polish or makeup. You don’t have to have nail polish if you don’t enjoy it, and it doesn’t make you any less femme because of it.
Heck, I still have some leftover baby-trans clothes that I’d be really uncomfortable wearing now. I thought they were what I needed to wear to be femme enough when my dysphoria was still raw during early transition.