Putting on black nail polish used to be the highlight of my week in the early days of transition and way before I came out. I was never good at it, but I liked how it looked on me and it felt like a way to get control back in my life in one of the few ways that I could.

Now HRT has done some pretty nice things to me after three years and I don’t feel as connected to nail polish, and everything I didn’t like about it feels much more of a pain. Like that it’s expensive, that it can be a mess, and after a decade, I still always miss my nail bed and get paint on my skin.

I do still like taking care of my nails. I enjoy filing the shape just right and exfoliating them and moisturizing to keep them healthy. That’s all fine.

But then I get the intrusive thoughts that I’m not femme enough or not alt enough if I don’t wear black nail polish. Of course, I know that’s not true, but it is what my brain tells me. So that’s kind of where I’m at.