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Do you have hobbies and interests? If so, hop on Google and search for MeetUps in your areas. When you find one, go to it and do that activity with other people. This is a practically fail proof plan because it sets you up to do something that you like doing with other people that also like that thing… which gives you a built in conversation topic.
While you’re there, talk to everyone for a few minutes. Next time there’s a meet up, go back. Don’t put pressure on any one person but, after you’ve been a few times, you’ll recognize and enjoy the company of other regulars and, voila, friends.
Yep. Meetups are the best. You def have to go regularly though… Don’t expect magic from day 1.
What if your hobbies & interests don’t lend themselves to meetups? I tend to have a lot of those that are more solitary in nature, which means others with them were probably drawn to them for similar reasons, being relatively content alone.
Up until they have that nagging feeling that they may benefit from socializing, anyway.
Just about any hobby can be a group hobby. I run, bike, hike, rock climb, watch sports, drink, try new restaurants, play video games, travel, and shit post. All of these can be done individually or in a group. My old man likes stamps and guns. There are shows and meet-ups for that too.
What are you in to that can’t be done with others? If these are truly solitary activities then are you willing to give something new a shot? Try something new and if you don’t vibe with the peeps or the activity, try something else new the next time.
Your hobbies aren’t set in stone, is it possible to find other ones (in addition) that involve socialising? You’re free to try out various things until you find something you like.
If it’s a hobby worth doing then it’s a hobby worth talking about. There will be a group or meetup or something with like-minded people. My hobby only has about 5,000 people in the US and I go to several meets a year and have friends from multiple states. I could do my hobby without ever interacting with anyone (and some people do it like that) but I like the social part.
There is another thing I want to mention is like how do people find dates? I don’t wanna sound like I’m whining or anything but dating apps never worked for me so I was wondering like how do you meet your potential dates in-person like at bars? Sorry if it sounds dumb but I’ve had a hard time with that so I thought why don’t I would just genuinely ask about it?
how do people find dates
Two main ways. My brother is very likable. To the point that it’s almost silly. Dude is 6 ft 3, maybe 300 lbs. He looks like an offensive lineman. He’s probably the strongest, roundest, happiest guy I know. When he was single he never had a problem getting quality dates. Even at his size. But it wasn’t just the charisma. Dude would shoot his shot and, if that didn’t work, he’d shoot his shoot again with the next lady. If you can talk a good game, don’t care if you miss and, ideally, be attractive, then you can slay it at the bars.
I am not as likable as my brother. But I’m funny. I’m decent looking. I treat ladies right. I have hobbies and interests. When I was single, my dates always came from my activity groups. Does it turn out Jenny from run club really likes music? Invite her to a show. And, here’s the key. Only invite people to things you’re going to do anyway. The line is “I’m going to the show this weekend, wanna come with me?” No matter what Jenny says, go to the show. Talk to the people that are there. Have a great time. If you have a great time with Jenny, terrific! If you don’t, or if Jenny doesn’t come, invite someone else next time. Common interests and quality time can take you a long way. Even if it’s a longer game than my brothers.
Really solid advice!
I think one should take care not hesitate too much talking to new people. The outcome can be either ways any ways, but that usually is nothing to carry around for too long time. I figured for myself it should be (and feel) casual (not only during dating).
So of you are a nerd not used to talk to anyone, maybe get used to talk to people again before trying to advertise yourself on the dating market. Usually, most of people not overly busy are open for a short chat or a funny remark*.
*Disclaimer: may differ depending on where you live.
I recall reading somewhere making new friends as an adult takes 200 hours (it some arbitrary number) if time together in some social aspect. This requires some level of common interests as you speak of. I also noticed this factors in a couple of friends I have made. Those hours together though must be due to mutual interests and this the reason you build hours.
I see this in my personal life and those around me. As a child you often have many good friends. I have noticed the ones that survived into adulthood are those that took similar work paths. The ones that work in different fields tend not to be so close anymore. It also factors if you move away for work. Like I did. You simply don’t see the people you had such strong ties to and that is difficult. You get busy and prioritization changes. Same if some have kids and others don’t it do it at different points in their lives.
Work then becomes your next place to find people with common interests and skills. Generally this applies to jobs that are more career oriented and not the temporary mcjobs. The risk is that people job shop much more now so that friend of yours may move away. As stated joining social groups are also possible. But it takes effort and you need to be engaged to keep going. That can be difficult.
- Stop declining when people invite you to stuff.
- Stop being picky about activities/food/music/etc.
- Be vigilant/safe, yet open minded, open to new experiences, spontaneous.
- Plan trips and events, both budget friendly and splurgy, then actually commit to doing them.
- Smile and laugh n shit.
- Compliment people, thank people, be considerate to others even if it’s not always reciprocated.
- When it is reciprocated, gravitate more towards that person, and gravitate slowly away from people who don’t seem to appreciate you.
You have encapsulated everything difficult about being an autistic adult
You have to be ok with believing that you’re not annoying others when talking about yourself and asking about them. And you have to do it in a not-creepy way. I haven’t quite figured it out yet.
The creeper paradox: the harder you try not to be, the more you appear to be.
Redefine creepy as ‘surpressing emotions’. When you surpress the awareness of surpressing emotions, then you surpress even more, so you appear to be more creepy.
Creepy has a lot to do with not picking up on signals from other people that your attention is not wanted (or in the case of genuine creeps not caring about and ignoring those signals). Unfortunately that works against the advice you just gave. I do realize this is problematic when that advice is kind of needed by someone who suffers from excessive self-consciousness.
And of course you mainly learn to pick up on those signals by practice. Which I guess points back to your advice.
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Anything in particular help you shift away from that?
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Hobbies and pursuing them. Like board games? Join the local game night! Like sailing? Join a sailing club and attend! Like football? Join a local football team. Like thinking and debating? Join a Sceptic Society!
It’s hard to be the new kid, it never changes with age, but you just need a few shared experiences and people start thinking of you as part of the tribe.
Like sex? Join a sex club!
Sure. Not for me, but I do have a friend who’s very active in the swinging scene and he’s made friends there.
I guess that joke works for almost every activitiy, except for those which incorporate death of people.
Except you’re necrophile, so even there. /s
Like sex? Join a sex club!
easier said than done, buddy! there’s not just sex clubs hanging around that any man can just go and join
Put yourself ‘out there’ more. Friends are very unlikely to fall into your lap. Don’t shy away from get togethers that you usually would and you’ll likely find people that you gel with. Work is a good place to make friends and you can branch out from there. Pre-established friend groups are also nice to get in on. Other than that, regular activities are good (gym, classes, volunteering etc) there are nice people everywhere (just avoid the dicks)
“I have problems being social”
“Be social”
Hobby clubs, fitness groups, volunteering, specific interest events. Personally, I plan to attend more local events. There are some upcoming local events that pique my interests.
How does one discover/find hobby clubs, fitness groups, and volunteering opportunities? I know of meetup.com, but are there other ways? Also, what exactly are special interests events, and how does one become aware of these events?
I mean it depends on where you live. But sports clubs are easy enough to find if you just search for your sport and area.
Same I would guess with other hobbies.
Fitness groups no idea to be honest.
Volunteering: there are usually quite a few forums and such discussing volunteering opportunities. In my country the biggest ones are the volunteer fire department, volunteer first aid (red cross, Johanniter, ASB, Malteser, etc.), technical relief (THW), and different organisations regarding the homeless and poor (biggest ones probably are the Bahnhofsmission and Tafeln) - this is all Germany specific but I’m sure there are somewhat similar things in other countries, too. For smaller things the are often even websites from the local government where you can search for volunteering opportunities interesting you, by topic.
To be honest, I’ve gone back to Facebook to discover local events. I never knew that the local comic shop had events like boardgames and book signings. I also discovered that the South Florida fairgrounds has its own comic con of sorts and my county has an annual event named “PalmCon”.
Very common question but no one wants to hear the truth… You don’t.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news but for the majority of people you kind of don’t. The social situations where you might meet people in your you ger days are closing or have already closed.
School is usually a big one for most, but after a certain age, you’re not likely to be in school any longer and if you are, then you’ll be considerably older than others.
Work is another one, but recent trends work against that. People tend to work at places for a short period of time before they jump ship. Shorter period of time, short number of connections you might make. Also with the hysteria over sexual harassment, people tend to not want anything to do with finding close connections these days at work. And of course working from home is clearly the biggest killer. You’re not going to connect with someone over a few Teams messages.
People tend to be less physically active as they get older, so meeting people on a team sport tends to be less common.
Lastly everything kind of snowballs. The less friends you have, the less friends-of-friends you might meet. And if you have some friends that are in a relationship, then forget about it. They’ll want to spend time with their significant other, and god forbid they get married and have kids. You’ll never see those people again unless you also have kids. I’m not painting a very positive picture here, but I think it’s way more realistic than many want to admit.
This is incredibly cynical and untrue. There are plenty of ways to make friends around hobbies, but you do have to work at it, like most meaningful things. It also takes time. The internet can be isolating, but it also can bring people together via meetups and other avenues.
Early thirties here, married, and we have 2 kids. You hit the nail on the head, unfortunately!
Key here is married. You already found each other and gained each other’s friends
We also just moved to a new city, far away from everyone we know… So now neither of us have any friends.
Wait for your kids to make friends, then get to know their parents
It’s easy to make acquaintances, but just because your kids are friends does nothing to make the parents “click” and be friends.
OK, and how is that any different than making friends childless?
They have kids, also known as friend repellant.
You can also gain friends through kids
Those are not friends but partners in suffering.
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Yeah, well, it’s a usually self-inflicted condition, so I don’t feel any empathy in those cases.
These are indeed reasons why people tend not to make friends as they get older.
But none of them are reasons why one couldn’t make friends. All you need to do is find someone else who also wants to make friends, and then become friends. None of these make that actually impossible.
All you need to do is find someone else who also wants to make friends
You just responded to a message detailing why it’s difficult to find people who want to make friends. This has the same energy as telling someone with depression to just not be sad.
I see it as a list of reasons why you actually have to search for people to befriend. Like use an online system or run an ad in the newspaper or something, rather than just hope you already are going to encounter suitable people just going about your life.
I don’t think not having any friend candidates handy is the same kind of problem as depression.
That’s what makes it difficult, isn’t it? It’s something that used to passively happen as you went about your life, and suddenly you need to actively work for it. Something you’ve never learned to do.
I don’t think not having any friend candidates handy is the same kind of problem as depression.
No one is comparing the problems. I’m comparing the proposed solutions. If someone says “I have problem X”, it’s very unhelpful to respond with “just don’t have problem X”.
I really want to say “you can solve problem X!”. It can be done! Don’t lose hope!
Though that is silent as to how exactly.
Volunteer
I’m not a “go-getter” and am pretty sure I’d be shunned for not being ambitious enough even at like a soup kitchen or whatever the hell people volunteer at
They literally just need people to show up and do basic things. As long as you aren’t creating a disturbance, I can’t see there being any issues.
They literally just need people to show up and do basic things.
like what?
My partner and I recently moved to an entirely new city. It’s in a region I’ve lived in before, but a different city.
We found a meet up group called “ 20 something’s meetup” and went to a few events. We found some people we really enjoyed and invited them to a few other events, and still regularly attend the group as a whole. The internet has done a lot of work for us.
I think we make too much of a deal about making friends as adults. Kids are so much easier in this: “Want to be my friend?”, “Sure!”
I’m guilty about this as well, too shy and awkward to just make friends. But I believe most people would be happy to have a new friend if the other made the first move. We’re all just so socially awkward about these things.Anyway, if anyone wants a friend, I’ll be your friend :)
I realize this doesn’t really answer the question. Best way is to be open and eager to make friends, I suppose?
Some of us were bad at it as kids too.
Of course not every child is the same, and I don’t mean to say it applied to every single one of us.
I specifically meant around the age of preschool, kids don’t think of the consequences and are just happy to do stuff together.
My own childhood from primary school onwards wasn’t blessed with a lot of friendships, so I understand what you’re saying here.
It’s easy as kids because you know you’re both regularly going to be physically present in the same place at the same time, so you’ll actually have a chance to do friend things. You don’t get that as an adult. You need to figure out if you can actually stay in touch with this person (e.g. maybe you have a shared hobby that allows you to regularly meet). You also have a better idea of what kind of people you get along with as you get older. With less time to spare, you definitely want to have these boxes checked before you invest more time into a relationship.
I understand what you’re trying to say here.
Maybe I’m using a different definition for the word friend. The activities you describe are what I would associate with a close friend, someone you trust and want to hang out with.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that there are plenty of people at work, sports, etc. with whom you get along well with and they would probably enjoy more interaction on a friend(ish) basis. Doesn’t mean you have to hang out or become close friends. Just that the tightening of bonds with the people in our surroundings should be easier than it really is.
I have a few coworkers with whom I share my enthusiasms, gripe about shared annoyances, go out for lunch and sometimes dinners. They’re not really close friends, and I never really do anything with them outside of work, but I still consider them friends.
Does that make sense? Maybe I’m just rambling.
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Exposure pretty much. Meaning get out there, join some groups, talk with people at work or anywhere you spend a good amount of time at, and see who you connect with. Be curious but not invasive.
Search for a community of people with similar interests where you live. E.g. something you like doing for a hobby.
Board game meetups and clubs work great
Warhammer 40k has been great for this
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You can be social and go to events but that only helps you meet people, it doesn’t mean you’ll make friends. I’ve recently moved, first year I was completely alone because I thought that eventually someone would come up to me. Most people are like that. They’re passive and expect friendship to pop out of thin air. I put together a basic strategy and now I have 2 friends I hang out with and a few acquaintances. Here it is, hope it helps.
- Most people are just as socially isolated as you. Lots of people are the passive partner who won’t initiate but they still want to make more friends. Covid-19 fucked everything up so this is actually the best time to make new friends if you can approach people.
- Pick someone you’re interested in and introduce yourself. It can be anyone and for any reason. My best friend of 10 years only became my friend because I sat next to him in 1st grade lunch. You don’t need a reason to talk to someone. Talk to people you aren’t interested just to get the feel for conversation, older folks work great as they’re low risk and just happy to have a conversation.
- Talk to this person every time you see them. Basically, pretend you’re already friends with this person. Ask them about their weekend, what their job is, and how they got into whatever it is you’re at. Start with 2-3 minute small talk and gradually make your way to longer conversation.
- Repeat these interactions for about a month.
- If you like them, say you’re going to see a movie or whatever other activity and ask if they’d like to join you. Invite them to something you’re already doing, even if you’d only do it to invite them. It puts less pressure on both you and that person.
- If they say yes, you’ve pretty much made a friend. All you need to do is keep the inertia up by scheduling a recurring event. Best case scenario, they invite you to a bar group and now you can make more friends by proxy.
- If they say no, go to the event anyway and try to talk to someone. If it wasn’t an outright refusal then you can try again. If they don’t take the second invitation, pull back and focus on someone else. Put the ball in their court and see what happens.
- Repeat until you have friends.
A lot of the advice other posters give is great for meeting people. But it implies that you’re already able to turn a meeting into a friend. You’ll probably suck at it for the first 3 months as you flex your conversation muscles, don’t worry about it. It’s a long-term process and it will get easier. Oh and of course modify the advice to suit your situation.
