I was at a party where this very handsome guy kept making moves and initiating. It felt so nice to be chosen out of many people, and the chats were good rather than superficial small talk. After a while he asked “my place or yours?” No matter how much my mind was aware that I am not the type of person who can carelessly hook up and I get attached, my heart couldn’t say no in the moment. So we went to his and hooked up. We were also drunk which didn’t help. Full disclosure, he couldn’t get completely hard, and I wonder if it has to do with me but he said it’s probably because he’s drunk. We mutually did other intimate things too, and cuddled afterwards which got me - he was giving compliments and being sweet.
Then it got weird. I couldn’t sleep and woke him up once after which he turned over and at one point said “get out”. He was in and out of sleep with eyes closed, but it was very clearly said. He also claims that he doesn’t remember anything after he hit the bed. So does that mean it’s possible he was dreaming/sleeptalking and it wasn’t directed at me? I accidentally left something small at his place and he added me on social media later on saying he found it. We sent a few flirty messages back and forth across a few days, and he recently asked about my weekend plans but is now ghosting me for the second time.
I just feel old and stupid. I naively thought there could be something this time but they are all the same. I hate that I fell for it and couldn’t control myself. What should I do or say now? We’re in a professional organization (although not a workplace) where word travels fast, my friends all saw us and were so curious, and I really care what our peers think of me. I asked when he was drunk to keep this between us so I’m afraid it didn’t register deeply enough. Should I have a real talk with him, and if so, over food or just a talk in person or over the phone? I feel so lost. Please help me out, friends. Thank you!
I mean, what’s past is past. Absolutely no reason to feel bad because of a drunken hook-up. The stringing-along and ghosting seems more like a him problem than a you problem. More likely than not, this guy is just as insecure and flaky as he appears in hindsight.
It fucking sucks that we’ve got so many lemons in the dating pool. Your story is one I’ve heard a dozen different women of all different ages and experiences reiterate. A guy turns on the charm, you get swept off your feet, then he’s back to business as usual the next day and you realize he’s just a normal POS.
But we’ve got an urge for companionship, so we all keep putting ourselves out there. The struggle is real. Know that even if you’re lonely, you’re not alone. Lots of people feel this way and nothing you’re doing is bad or wrong, even if it feels frustrating.
One Night flings are rough precisely because you build a deep bond very quickly with someone who - in the long term - wasn’t going to work out. I’m not going to say “don’t do that” because people are horny and fucking is fun. But you can’t beat yourself up afterwards, because mixing guilt and horniness is miserable and ruins the fun part of fucking. Then you’re just left with this hollow urge divorced from the joy of sex.
I can say that finding love among friends (at least in my experience) tends to be more fruitful than trying to find friendship among lovers. Dragging someone out on a date a few times isn’t just about counting the encounters before hooking up, it’s about building a list of things you like to do together that you can do when you’re not naked.
And sometimes just going out and doing things you like to do, and meeting other people who do things you like to do, is the best way to find a long-term companion.
And if that’s going to parties and clubs - because you plan to keep clubbing straight through your retirement years - that’s great. But if you’re a golfer or a painter or a board game enthusiast or a mall rat, you gotta go find big groups of people doing this kind of thing and date from there. Cause the people you meet at bars are, more often than not, the kind of people who want to be at the bar for the rest of their lives.