I cant remember how it even came up, and it doesn’t fucking matter, but I told my partner about some shit i went through a while back and she said “yeah dude you gotremovedd.”
I knew that what happened was definitely SA, but I dunno. Hearing it put that bluntly from someone who knows me and someone that I love just kinda hits different. They have gone through much worse things than I, so like…I dont even fucking know what to say here.
I’ve emailed my therapist but its like 10pm here, so just kinda word vomiting. I feel like I need to talk about what happene, I feel like maybe I should be angry, I feel like I should be spewing details. But this was a long time ago. I went along with it. The worst fucking thing is that like a month before I met my partner, I went crawling back to this person for sex. I’m not like…crying or angry right now, but I feel like I need to just fuckin spew out words about it.
Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Having unclear inner senses in the wake of these things is not unusual. Took me decades to become capable of consistently feeling how what was done to me was wrong.I understand this very well. My abusive ex you’ve heard me talk about a lot also sexual assaulted me, and I stayed with her years after the fact. I remember talking to some of my friends about it like it was normal relationship issues and they were shocked that I was so casual about it, like I couldn’t process it until someone pointed out how bad it was. I went through a lot of sexual violence before I came out as trans, it can be kinda hard to look back on sometimes
I hope you’re okay
This nearly exact thing happened to multiple friends of mine. It’s the kind of realization that causes an existential crisis, but after that, you’ll be able to find peace. Sending you love from afar
This kind of thing isn’t uncommon. Sometimes the mind will take difficult experiences and hide parts until a time comes when the person is better able to process them. This doesn’t mean it was “less bad” nor does it mean that you were lying or stupid for not seeing it this way before. Its possible that other events in your life may get reprocessed in a similar manner now that this one has been brought to light. Not saying it will happen but just a heads up.
I’ve had similar experiences in the past few years and its never easy, my heart goes out to you. Trust that you will come out of this stronger.
